I was worried about that. You say you want to snoop because if it's a PA it's over. In that case I'd say nothing. Over means done. No point to confront or for further dialogue. Then I'd focus on me, my kids, and cordial logistics with her like co-parenting. I see confused thinking. Why do you want to know?
Originally Posted by "Ozman"
We have no body to babysit except her family How do I tell them I need a sitter without saying wife went to wedding without me?
WE have nobody to babysit? How do YOU tell her family? Why are you trying to help solve her problem, when the problem is how to go to a wedding with an easy-talking co-worker without you?!
Ummm yeah.....dont say any of that. So if you go to the wedding are you going to hide in the bushes? Video tape her from a far? Lurk in the shadows and when you see her and OM doing something go confront them on the spot? What's the plan?
I would want to know if she is so I could confront her.
If and when I find out. How do you react. What do you say. What are the first words out of your mouth? How do you control your emotions?
And
We have no body to babysit except her family How do I tell them I need a sitter without saying wife went to wedding without me?
A Man Only A Fool Would Leave
Did you not read the acronym thread? You should.
So you want to confront her.....but have no idea what that entails? oz you really need to think through things a little better. You see, most LBHs lie to themselves. "I want to know so I can confront her." That isn't true at all, is it? What you really want is to know she ISN'T cheating. And you are using "wanting to confront her" as an excuse for snooping. Digging. Etc.
If you want to know the truth, there is no shame in that. Admit it. However, you need to understand that if you find out she is cheating (PA) then there are things you have to be willing to do. And talking is the last thing you should do! If she is in a PA:
1) You move her out of the MBR. Don't say anything, just take all of her stuff out of the MBR and put it in another room. When she asks what is going on you say: "I know what is going on. I refuse to share the MBR with a cheater." Do not tell her how your know. Do not show her how you know.
2) You double down on GAL. As in you come up with a schedule of nights and weekends you will be home with S8, and nights and weekends you will be out doing other things. Stick to it.
3) If you really can't get over the D, then you have to go talk to a lawyer and file for D. (Most LBHs later come to the realization that they can get over a PA, so make sure you REALLY can't and want a D before taking this step.)
4) Detach. Fully. Do not start conversations. If she catches you and starts a conversation, listen and validate. When you are out ignore her calls. If she texts you do not respond unless it is a direct question. Even then you only answer after some time has passed....and with as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
5) You stop any and all work around the house that isn't directly related to you or S8's activities. Do not wash her clothes, only yours and S8's. Do not clean up after her, no matter how big of a mess she makes. You clean up after yourself and S8. THAT'S IT.
oz, if you are ready for 1-5, then by all means start doing recon. If you have access to her email and phone, check it. Check phone records. Look up numbers that look suspicion or have a lot of activity. Hire a PI if you have to. Follow her. Just be aware that all of this can backfire, badly. If you get caught doing these thingsand she is innocent it could be the final straw to push her to file for D. Even worse, if she isn't innocent, it could cause her to say "okay, he knows now!" and go full bore. We've seen many LBHs here that have found out about a PA, confronted, and the WAW/WW just flat out started dating the OM.
oz, this is not an easy road. Be sure you are ready to handle all of this. It is a big step. Like I said before I get the impression that you aren't at a place yet to handle the truth if in fact she is in an EA or PA. If she is you have to be prepared to react confidently and decisively. No asking why. No begging and pleading. No crying in front of her. The moment you find out, you start commanding her respect....with actions not words. I laid it out for you in 1-5 above. You'll have to grow a spine, man-up, and be the king of your castle.
Are you ready for that?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have no body to babysit except her family How do I tell them I need a sitter without saying wife went to wedding without me?
WE have nobody to babysit? How do YOU tell her family? Why are you trying to help solve her problem, when the problem is how to go to a wedding with an easy-talking co-worker without you?!
This.
"Hey SiL, can you baby sit for a few hours Saturday night?"
If she says, sure. When you drop S8 and she asks "Where is W?" You say: "She went to a work wedding. I have other plans. Thanks for babysitting!"
If SiL pries more, jus say "I wasn't invited to the wedding." Leave it at that.
People aren't stupid, your SiL will start putting it together. She probably knows more than you even think already. But as CW said, that isn't your problem.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/19/1903:35 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I love you and we had something awesome and we still can. I know there is something going on with OM
But if you sleep with him we are done, I will D you
I know this will not work.
I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING!!!! I want to knock some sense into her. To fight for her.
I have spent my whole life being passive and she knows it. How in the hell does being passive now help
Weak. Needy. Not commanding of respect.
Women are attracted to men they respect. Your efforts from this point forward should be to command her respect. You don't do that with words. You do it with action.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When I say I don’t get DBing. I mean it. I have been doing a lot of 4 already. Is that bad? I let her calls go to voicemail then I call back later. I don’t text and when she does I keep replies short
I really DO want to know. I would love to find out she isn’t cheating. But if she is what is the benefit to not knowing. Explain that please
When I was told I might have brain cancer they thought it might be a cyst. It was much harder not knowing. I wanted it to be a cyst REALLY bad. But the limbo was crushing me. When I found out it was cancer I was crushed. But then the wondering was gone. I had an objective. I just had to figure out best plan of attack
But if she is what is the benefit to not knowing. Explain that please
1. There is a not insignificant chance of Ozman getting caught and doing significant damage. 2. You have not outlined positive actions you'd take upon learning that outweigh the above disadvantage. In fact, you indicated more passive talk. "What are the first words out of your mouth?" 3. Steve85's: "I get the impression that you aren't at a place yet to handle the truth."
If you know she is and you confront her you have to be prepared to go all the way. If you dont confront her and you DB like a mad man and leave her to her mess it buys you time.
If she knows you know and you do nothing but profess your love for her and pursue her she and the OM will sit back, laugh, and she will lose even more respect for you.
