Just to give you a female perspective on this.... For women, knowing their man had an EA can be more devastating than a PA. We think about emotions being involved and that meaning more than just sex. For most men I know, it's the opposite. They do not want their women to have a PA because that means more to them than the emotional part.
Let me break it to you, women can have sex without a lot of emotions attached just like men. They can have sex and it not mean very much to them just like men can. It can make them field good in the moment, it can block out other painful thoughts, and feelings and confusion about their life.
From what I've been reading on this and another forum related to MLC, it is common for these MLC, WAW, WAY spouses to connect with people who they perceive to be "just like them" However, "just like them" mirrors how they perceive themselves at this time when all the confusion of what they want has set in. It's usually not about that person being "better than the spouse." It's about availability, it's about lack of complication with that person, it's about limerence, feeling attractive in the affair partner's eyes, and the other reasons I listed above, but it's usually not about love. I think that is why, most on this and my other forum advise to disregard the magnitude or importance of the affair and minimize it in your mind. You can't control whether it happens or not, you can only work on you! In your wife's mind, she has checked out of the marriage and she may not even believe what she is doing is wrong.
As others have mentioned, working on you makes you more appealing and more attractive so your spouse can see that there is something to fight for and lets her know that you are able to move forward without her so they may start to have a fear of loss. If they don't come back, it sets you up for better relationships in the future. I know that this is easy to understand in your brain and but hard to reconcile with your feelings and much easier said than done but this is why the forum is here to help.
In my book. There is nothing you can do to be closer to somebody than to ML with them. If she shares that part of herself. I don’t think I could ever feel that connection with her again
When I say I don’t get DBing. I mean it. I have been doing a lot of 4 already. Is that bad? I let her calls go to voicemail then I call back later. I don’t text and when she does I keep replies short
I really DO want to know. I would love to find out she isn’t cheating. But if she is what is the benefit to not knowing. Explain that please
When I was told I might have brain cancer they thought it might be a cyst. It was much harder not knowing. I wanted it to be a cyst REALLY bad. But the limbo was crushing me. When I found out it was cancer I was crushed. But then the wondering was gone. I had an objective. I just had to figure out best plan of attack
First, on doing #4, no you haven't. You've done a little, but not fully. As proven by the "want to go swimming" exchange.
And when you found out it was cancer, you took action! If you find out she is cheating, you need to be prepared to do the same.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In my book. There is nothing you can do to be closer to somebody than to ML with them. If she shares that part of herself. I don’t think I could ever feel that connection with her again
Not going to tell you that you are wrong. But you can have sex without making love.
Originally Posted by ozman
When I say I don’t get DBing. I mean it. I have been doing a lot of 4 already. Is that bad? I let her calls go to voicemail then I call back later. I don’t text and when she does I keep replies short
DBing is quite simple. GAL. Detach. Work on bettering yourself (180s). You don't get it because I don't think you want to. You are too impulsive, reactive, and if something feels counter-intuitive to you then you make excuses, hem-haw around, flat out ignore. Go back up and read that very long post I sent you. It was a post about being ready to take action IF she is in a PA. You gleaned the one thing out of it (#4 fully detaching) and then tried to say you were already doing that. Did you understand that my point was if she is in a PA then your DBing efforts just become even more arduous?
Notice, I said "4) Detach. Fully. Do not start conversations. If she catches you and starts a conversation, listen and validate. When you are out ignore her calls. If she texts you do not respond unless it is a direct question. Even then you only answer after some time has passed....and with as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers."
Then you said: "I have been doing a lot of 4 already. Is that bad? I let her calls go to voicemail then I call back later. I don’t text and when she does I keep replies short"
A lot? Dude, you haven't even been close to what I said. What I described is one step above going completely dark on her. You came back and said "I've been doing a lot of 4 already. I let her calls go to vm and then I call back later. I don't text and when she does I keep replies short"
My message was "If you find out she is in a PA YOU DON'T CALL HER BACK!!! YOU DON'T TEXT HER BACK, unless it is a direct question....and then only with yes or no if appropriate, and extremely brief otherwise!"
Here is from your last thread:
Originally Posted by ozman
H. Hey I missed a call from you W. Ya I went to sisters house to pick up S. We got invited to swim. You wanna go? H. Hmm sounds nice it’s really hot out, you wanna go? W. Hmm maybe. It is really hot H. Well if not I think I’m gonna hit the shower and check out the pottery shop around the corner W. (Voice changes forum upbeat, happy and content to a little irritated and like WTF). Uuuhhhh ok? I guess what are you gonna do) H. Well swimming does sound nice too W. Ok I’ll talk to (family) and see if they still want to H. Ok well if I don’t answer I’m in shower
How is that even close to what i said in #4?!?
So many non-DBing mistakes in that quote.
YOU started the exchange. YOU asked her if she wanted to swim. YOU said "if you don't want to swim then I am gonna GAL. (WHAT?!?!) YOU said what your GAL was going to be. (NO! You just go. "Sorry, I have a couple things I want to do. Have fun swimming." YOU reacted to voice changing to irritated by 1) Giving up GAL 2) Going over to swim with her 3) Not being detached even in the slightest!
ozman, we've had other posters here that claimed later "I tried GAL, it didn't work." In every single case they talked about DBing but never actually did it.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/19/1905:24 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sigh. I’m just panicked. I thought maybe I had detached some but it turn out I haven’t. I’m falling apart. I don’t know how to detach. To “not care”. You guys helped me understand yesterday that in her head nothing changed. She’s just being nice. It was only me perception that changed. I have dB a little. That’s why she opened up to me some. But I have done a terrible job other wise. I know what I need to do. I just don’t know “how” to do it
And I can’t get over this potential PA thing. Its consuming me.
I just want it to stop. I don’t get it. I don’t get how a person could do this
Everyone. And I mean everyone in my life at one point has told me I’m not with having. I thought she was different
I feel like like I have been discarded. Like some piece of trash. And tomorrow night. She is goona close the trash can lid
"Aha! #1" was on when I burst the illusion life with her was so dreamy, and began rating my happiness over the last nine days where we'd interacted--5 out of 10! Logically, it's possible to do better solo.
"Aha! #2" was when she broke a second commitment.
"Aha! #3" was when I spent an evening doing what I enjoyed and rated it higher than 5 out of 10!
What this all means is I can be whole and well on my own. I don't need her in my life. I'm rooting for her. I hope she is part of my life. But I will have a good next year no matter what.
Santa clause is not real. That does not mean we should tell children the truth. We let them believe the fairy tail as long as possible. At some point someone tells the child that mommy is santa. Now the child is confused. Time for the child to seek the truth.
Same thing with wedding vows. We let the couple believe this. Some may live the fantasy. Most will not. You lived the fantasy. ILYBNILWY does not line up with the fantasy. Now you are confused. Time to seek the truth. Most likely your wife has feelings for another man.
OZ"So what do I do????"
R2C highly recommends doing nothing right now but reading, understanding and making a plan.
PuppyDogTails, AllenA, Gucci, RobX, Steve85, AS, Sandi2, Coach are very wise and you should listen and understand as much from these people as possible. There will be conflicting advise. That is OK. Best to understand as many of your options as possible, and the likely outcomes.
If I could, I would take over your body and DB your wife back. It would be easy for me, I am not emotionally attached to her. Woman are easy to seduce.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Everyone. And I mean everyone in my life at one point has told me I’m not with having. I thought she was different
Self worth comes from within, not from without. If you need other people to value you in order to value yourself, then you are in need of some pretty good therapy. I know you insist you can't afford it. But at this point I don't think you can afford to not get into IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
