I don't think people are saying "don't care" because clearly you are not at that point. They are saying "fake it til you make it" then it will start to get easier. The point is not to dislike, not care about, or kill any feelings you have for your wife. The point is to back off and detach so you can get some perspective on what you want in your life moving forward and demonstrate that you are not always going to be waiting in the wings as a "Plan B"
So the consensus is I should not go to wedding. Go out and GAL instead
YES. Want a tattoo? Go get one. Need a haircut, Go get one. Want a new style, go shopping. You don't have to buy anything. Find some local music. Go listen. Personally I recommend not drinking alcohol during this process. Go to a bar and drink water. People watch. Watch how two women talk. One is talking and the other is listen and sometimes validating. Watch the sunset. Watch the sunrise. Walk in the rain. Be safe and do not walk in a thunderstorm
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If she’s having affair then so be it? Recon or no recon?
Do nothing right now. Be observant.
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How do I detach without just not caring. I’ve read the thread again and again. I just can’t get it.
Might have to not care for a while.
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How do I let myself be ok with her laying down on her back and letting another man get on top of her
Do not let your imagination control you. wait for the truth. Keep working on you in the mean time.
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How. How do I let go. HOW do I do that and still love her HOW do I do that and feel nothing but hate HOW!!!
Control your thoughts. Do not let your thoughts control you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
"One more day to be myself", "Remember, It all starts with me", "They will be done", "A man reaps what he sows","What is best for my kids is best for me"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ozman. To some degree all of us here are suffering from the same situations weather at the Affairs are people walking away or emotional Affairs or spouse is moving towards divorce plus all the financial and legal battles and all the other crap involved with custody. We go back and forth in our own heads of who we thought this person wasn't who they are now and who we perceive them to be what some of the signs were there all along.
There are going to be moments where you try to convince yourself of something and it won't stick because your emotions conflict with your thoughts, your wants and your needs. Everyday I drive myself [censored] crazy going back and forth between the past memories, who my wife is now what she's doing, and whether she may or may not be cheating. It feels like one gigantic chess board only we're playing multiple boards at the same time trying to figure out all the legal stuff figure out all the emotional stuff from within ourselves and our situation. I know it's all the situations and advise here it gets very confusing because so many things apply to other people situations into our own sich's and it can become overwhelming on what to do because of time being of the essence and learning.
Maybe this will help. There is no one on earth, not even your W or S ( well children are debatable) that is more important than yourself, your well-being, your security, your happiness, your future, and your confidence. No one. Everyday I go through parts of my day being really down on myself and really down on my situation and depressed and then I flip flop between that, then I'm getting cocky with myself that I'm better than this person that's leaving the marriage. I've realized it after reading so many stitches here, all these issues within all these marriages come down to self-respect healthy boundaries wants and needs communication validation compassion self integrity core principles and values.
Everyone here says a lot being happy is a choice. It has to be acquired from within. Even though I've realized this for 7 months in my sich, I was talking a good game but I didn't really believe it. I've also realized that all the self-help stuff my wife is red she also talks a good game but you can tell by her actions she doesn't commit to it or believe it either when it comes to bettering herself. we are most likely divorce in and we are moving towards mediation. maybe we actually will and maybe we actually won't but I'll tell you one thing. If you're going to decide to divorce you better get yourself healthy and in the right mindset and make that decision for a position of strength and confidence and not from weakness and being emotional. It's hard to detach and GAL I know I get it. going through all this both people wind up losing their identities cuz there were coupled together for so long. What I want to end this on is our own happiness is a choice and we do have that choice. When you finally get to that point where you're so tired of being miserable, then you will choose it annual say hey I can control my state of mind I can control my emotions I can control my self despite all this chaos going on around me. When you choose that happiness, then your gal will go from being a distraction to having meaning and purpose. People try to fill emotional voids in their lives by seeking other people or seeking Pleasures or seeking Hobbies or seeking activities oor seeking experiences, or seeking knowledge. All these things are good to pursue but if we're seeking something outside of ourselves to fill that void it will never be filled. Until we starting the side that we want to stop being a bottomless pit that consumes everything around us in hopes of fulfilling a void in our lives. Doesn't matter if it's conference emotional connection sex experiences traveling Pleasures money booze drugs affairs whatever We will never be satisfied. And neither will anyone else pursuing that for those reasons. this is going to sound counterintuitive but I want you to try being so miserable to the point where it's pathetic to where you no longer want to choose misery anymore and choose happiness choose it first and foremost for yourself in every moment and everything that you do and then go and pursue your GAL activities with people that you care about and care for you. if a significant other or a person or a friend or a family member isn't serving your needs at this moment in time then let them go. it took me so long to realize this that that's what everyone was trying to say here in the very beginning about focusing on yourself. You were complete before you met your wife and you can be complete again. do you want to waste more months of your life worrying about how this is all going to turn out? or are you going to make the best of it and make us clearance decisions as possible without all the hemming and hawing and make a good attempt to make the best out of the situation in the best person that you can be. Until we feel enough pain and want to change bad enough to wear want to move away from that pain for ourselves there is no way in hell we could ever attract another person back into our life, or introduce a new person to it for that matter because then we will keep repeating the cycle without any real meaningful change in ourselves. if we want love and our lives we need to choose it and not because we need it. This is essentially what everyone is saying when they say love yourself first. Because no one else is going to do it for you
The Vets here may agree or disagree on this one. But you need to make it crystal clear to your wife that you do not wish to spend any time with her unless she wants to spend time with you and that is only under the circumstances on whether you are doing something for yourself or not not doing something for them. They are the ones that are leaving the marriage. Even then it still doesn't mean anything in the current moment. If they want to reconcile you will know you will not be confused if you are confused then those little glimmers of hope don't mean anything. They are just being friendly to the person willing to be in the friend zone.
