Hell yeah gekko! I can appreciate the idea to call BS. I’m in a pretty similar situation where I found no evidence but had suspicions. I would love the chance to call her out if she does indeed have a new man that was “just a friend”. I’m sure you would hear about it from your kids if someone was coming around to the house. A little different for me as S is too young. Glad to hear you are focusing on yourself and kids! I’m sure you are having a good time!
LOL maybe sometimes too much of a "man" R2C. I've toned it way down since my younger days but it's still a work in progress.
Yes Hallzy I actually am having some fun despite the shytty process. I had a great life before I met W and will have a great life after. Even better than before because I have 2 amazing kids. Great family and group of friends, blessed for that. No casual OW yet and I'm not even going close to that sitch until I move out, sticking to my guns and morals. I went through a bit of a struggle a few months ago, thinking of OW, that mostly grew out of being at a bar stocked with beauties and a particular flirty interaction I had. Kinda messed with my head, honestly. All in due time. Patience.
I am less than a week away from moving day. Movers are set and W and I have an agreement regarding splitting just about all the household possessions. Some stuff is going to have to wait as I am busy at work and just can't get to it all.
Communication with W is nothing but business.
Kids are excited about the new house and neighborhood. I wonder how they will handle the house shuffling once we get it going. I want to make it as easy on them as possible. The kids aspect of this sitch is the main thing that hits my gut. The financial aspect also sux but I will work that out. It's really the kids feelings that I worry about and causes my some pain, I can't lie. I'm strong as an ox in front of them and pretty much everyone else but I do hurt for them.
There are going to be some bumps in the road but I know there will be plenty of great times ahead. My life was incredible before I even knew W existed, and will be amazing after D as well. Difference is now I have 2 incredible kids, so things are even better than before W. Not excited about seeing W at school events/sports events, etc., but that comes with the territory.
It is heartbreaking and frustrating watching kids go through this. My kids are each handling it in different ways, it is really the hardest part to experience and each one has said things that have crushed me. They are also resilient and incredible people.
One suggestion is let the kids pick out stuff for their rooms - decorations, bedding, etc. My kids loved this -- they picked out stuff online, and partly I surprised them. It really helped. It also helped me focus on some positive things during the move.
At the same time, all 3 of mine, at some point, have absolutely crushed my heart:
D3 - often before bed, randomly breaks down and buries her head in the pillow. "Don't leave me, I'm going to miss you" D5 - "I don't want to live in 2 houses, I don't want to go back and forth" S7 - "What if mom deletes your phone number and forgets where you live and we never get to see you again?"
I think the best you can do is exactly what you are doing... nothing but business with W, no drama in front of the kids.
Thanks unchien. I know I am going to get hit with plenty of shots to the heart. I love my kids, I think they are amazing kids, and they know it. I know they love me. There is comfort in that. I can take the shots to the heart, I don't want any but just like with W I can't control it, only deal with it the best way possible. Even without a D kids will still hit your gut with stuff sometimes, part of being a parent I guess.
Kids have already picked out their own bedrooms, furniture, comforters, etc. They are part of the process and so far seem to be having fun and there is a level of excitement. They know some other kids in the neighborhood already and are excited about being on the same street. I think there are lots of good times ahead in the new place.
I have the keys to my new place, went over there last night to scope it out and get mentally prepped for the move. Wasn't there more than 10 minutes before a knock on the door, it was a guy I know who lives down the street and saw me drive in. He knows my W. I told him I was getting close to finalizing the separation of all the household stuff, and referring to my W and this process he said "she seems like she would be tough to negotiate with" while he looked me in the eye knowingly. I just looked back at him and kind of shrugged my shoulders, and he said "sorry, man".
It has been a seemingly endless string of unsolicited comments from people regarding W's personality. It has happened so much, I am wondering if they are just trying to make me feel better, like the D from her is a good thing, or what is going on. So many people just chiming in with little comments that are unsolicited. Part of me likes it because it validates how I feel about W's issues, but it does eff with my head a little too. Makes me shake my head, how could I have ended up in this sitch with this person?
Part of me likes it because it validates how I feel about W's issues, but it does eff with my head a little too. Makes me shake my head, how could I have ended up in this sitch with this person?
20/20 hindsight. Think of all the knowledge you have now for your future relationship/s.
Don't know about you, but I have this same thought and then take it further -- how did things start off so great with this person, and then turn into this sitch? Will I be able to trust or commit fully to another person in the future, knowing what can happen?
Don't know about you, but I have this same thought and then take it further -- how did things start off so great with this person, and then turn into this sitch? Will I be able to trust or commit fully to another person in the future, knowing what can happen?
In the early part of relationships most people are in positive sentiment override, but later might find themselves in negative sentiment override. Anyone who doesn't know these conditions should google them because they explain so much.
In my sitch, I saw glimpses of my W's harshness - toward her dad, the clerk at the store, etc. Not often, but enough to get my attention. But I was in positive sentiment override, perhaps too positive. W was never going to hit me with that harshness, I would shut that down in a millisecond, so not a big deal. Enter marriage and kids, and all of a sudden the harshness ramps up and its not so easy to kick her to the curb. A lot invested in the R. And try as I might I could not get her to stop with the criticism and disrespect.
One of the morals of my story is that if you are in a R with someone and you see them treat someone else harshly or with disrespect, get ready because you are eventually going to be a target for that behavior. Maybe the biggest target of all, once you are M'd with kids and with that person every day. They will have lots of ammo to fire at you. Once of my biggest pieces of advice now is to jettison anyone like this as soon as you see this behavior toward others. There is no need to get entangled with someone who has a nasty harsh streak.
Personally I doubt I will have any issues with commitment and trust in the future. My W is who she is, and I have had long term relationships prior to her with great women who had zero nastiness in them, so I know they are out there, lots of them, fantastic women. My job is to be the best man I can be and learn from the things I did wrong in my M, and screen the women that come into my orbit to weed out the ones who may have the inner harshness that my W has. That's all I can do. It's going to be a fun journey.
Hey Gekko, glad to read you are about to be in the new place and are excited for it! I know your sitch is far longer than mine, but I think you will enjoy finally not being under the same room as W. It’s almost like you can get peace at home finally. I totally agree with all your thoughts on seeing a persons nastiness. My W was always incredibly rude and nasty to her own mom. And granted her mom was not a great mother when my W was growing up, this behavior isn’t acceptable as an adult. You are right in saying we think to positively in the beginning, I did the same. It’s only a matter of time until the spouse becomes the target of bad behaviors.
