I think every newbee should read your thread and follow you lead.
Enjoy your kids and your freedom.
I agree. Gekko, your posts always sound so balanced and thoughtful. In fact I often want to respond but I have nothing to say other than... this guy is handling things so well!
Thanks for the kind words all! This can be really tough stuff, and I can totally understand how sometimes a LBS may just want to curl up in a ball and close their eyes to it all. But you know what they say about when the going gets tough?
I am getting fairly frequent (every other day) texts from W about kid logistic stuff and I can't tell you how weary I am getting. W is very high strung and anxious and it's always something. I am keeping my responses very short but I can't ignore the kid stuff. I know my mindset is not yet where it needs to be because I just don't like the feeling when I see W's number pop up on my phone. I would prefer much less contact.
W just took the kids on a vacation and I am doing the same soon. I'm excited to get on a plane with just the kids and me and to be able to run the whole vacation itinerary myself. W has control and micro-management issues and it will be nice to be free of that on a vacation.
The biggest looming thing on the horizon is setting a firm custody schedule. I will keep the board posted on how that goes, I am certain there are going to be some choppy waters on that topic.
I am feeling an increasing level of independence and freedom as I transition into single life. I think there are going to be a lot of great developments on the road ahead. I am moving very slowly and plan to continue to do so. One of the benefits of moving slowly is that it is easier to see and enjoy what is right in front of you and to live more in the moment, instead of screaming down the freeway where everything is a blur.
I am getting fairly frequent (every other day) texts from W about kid logistic stuff and I can't tell you how weary I am getting. W is very high strung and anxious and it's always something. I am keeping my responses very short but I can't ignore the kid stuff. I know my mindset is not yet where it needs to be because I just don't like the feeling when I see W's number pop up on my phone. I would prefer much less contact.
My W is also high strung and controlling. I have an ominous ringtone for my W's texts just so I don't get anxious when other texts arrive. (It also provides me a little dark humor).
We are experimenting with a weekly call to hash out what we can, and then texts for logistics only. There are pro's and con's. The calls are definitely a healthier way to communicate, but by the end I am completely spent. It does help put off non-critical items that we can discuss all at one time.
I'd say just hang in there and be consistent. Over time hopefully your W will adjust and tone it down - people tend to mirror moods. We are almost 2 months in now, there are microscopic movements towards healthier communication. My W has shown some glimmers of awareness about her mind-reading and emotional reasoning. It's still a daily struggle to navigate the minefield of communicating.
Is she getting triggered emotionally a lot on text messages? Or is she just high strung and texting a lot about minor stuff?
Originally Posted by Gekko
W just took the kids on a vacation and I am doing the same soon. I'm excited to get on a plane with just the kids and me and to be able to run the whole vacation itinerary myself. W has control and micro-management issues and it will be nice to be free of that on a vacation.
Yes! You are going to love this part. I just did this 2 weeks ago. All the complaining about how hard it was to plan a vacation and keep track of the kids clothes and meals etc... I loved being in complete control, it was a big confidence boost for my ability to be a single dad going forward. Memories that I will never forget.
Originally Posted by Gekko
The biggest looming thing on the horizon is setting a firm custody schedule. I will keep the board posted on how that goes, I am certain there are going to be some choppy waters on that topic.
Where are you at today regarding custody? Are you targeting 50-50?
I think you have the right mindset taking it slow right now. When I moved out I went a little overboard the first few weeks and wore myself out, now I'm recalibrating.
My W does not come across as overly emotional or triggered in her texts, it is just the volume that is my issue. And emails as well. If anything I could say that I am somewhat triggered by the volume, LOL. I really want to keep the level and frequency of communication to a minimum, while understanding that yes we do need to communicate on kids stuff.
We already have a 50-50 custody agreement but it is very general because we can not agree on who gets what days. We have been handling it on the fly because of summer schedules, but once school starts I want a set schedule. We have a court date in September so I need to get papers together for that, and I will be requesting my preferred schedule. We'll see if we can reach an agreement before then...
I took a few weeks off the self-improvement podcast/YouTube circuit but have gotten back into it the past few days and it's been good for my head. Even though a lot of the advice is stuff I know and already practice, it's still good to hear it and reinforce that I am on the right track. I find myself more open these days to acknowledge and work on my weak spots. It reminds me of a professor I once had who analogized learning with physical workouts. He said there is a tendency for people to keep working out the same muscle groups in the same way because that is where they are strongest and they have a history of success and familiarity - like the guys who focus on chest and arms in the gym and ignore legs. So they end up with chicken legs and a big upper body, an unbalanced body. This professor said to focus on your legs aka focus on your weak spots, don't neglect them.
I am craving intimacy. W, even when things were good, is not a particularly affectionate person. She also repelled me with her criticisms and snide commentary, so there was a chasm between us. I have a tremendous connection with friends and family but have missed and am missing a romantic connection. I am taking my time with it and have not really taken any steps toward romance with anyone yet, and when I do it's going to be slow going. I do think about it, what it's going to be like, how I'm going to feel. I'm pretty excited about what could be in store for me. I wonder what it's going to be like "out there". It's going to be an adventure.
Criticism - your posts are always so well thought out that it's hard to respond with anything useful!
The volume of interaction is exhausting, I completely hear you. My W will go a couple weeks without much interaction, then flood my e-mail in box with 6 different items of various levels of importance. Some are important, some are not. I just want to come home from work, do something fun, and not deal with it at all sometimes.
I think you have the right idea to take any romantic connection slowly. A good divorced friend of mine has warned, "Beware the rebound!"
Did you go on vacation with your kids yet Gekko or is that still happening? If you did, how was it? I took my kids to San Diego during Spring Break. It was great fun!! I agree with all the others. Sounds like you are doing great. I, too, missed the intimacy as it was gone from my marriage for a long time. It took awhile for me to really recognize that and to know that I deserve better. You do too and I have no doubt you will have it again. (((HUGS)))
Thanks all for the kind words. We leave on vacation today. S is crying, he says he didn't know W wasn't coming despite having told him many times it would just be the 3 of us. D is fine. S doesn't want to go at the moment but he will come around once we get moving. It's hard to experience but this is our new life. As for me, despite S's mood I am happy to be doing the trip without W, who would be trying to constantly control everything.
As a child of divorce I know the future off my little family of 3 will have its bumps in the road specifically due to the D, I am not envisioning ever really crossing the goal line and spiking the ball, even after my kids launch, but even parents in intact families never cross that line, you always worry to an extent and there are always issues. My mom's husband has kids in their 50's and there are still big issues.
I feel strong as an ox, mentally, emotionally, physically even in my advanced age :)…..but I can confide in this group that sometimes it's hard to be strong all the time. I have my moments of doubt and weakness. I have them privately and I let them come and pass like clouds on a mountaintop. When they pass I am still on the mountaintop. I think having those moments actually somehow makes me stronger overall, I can't explain why but I think its true. I'm not a Terminator, I'm human, and I accept my weaknesses and flaws and work on them and work to be better and stronger. I think its just part of the human experience, something that I want to embrace fully. Overall I like how I am feeling and I am so optimistic about what lay ahead for me and my kids.
