Moving Forward

[Jac12]

Quick Question:

My wife just asked if she could have another day with our son this week after work. We had previously agreed on Wednesday's after work and Saturdays 8am-dinner.

This past Saturday she chose to do something else rather than spend the day with her son.

How do I respond?

[unchien]

jac12 - Is a PA a deal-breaker for you? For some (like me) it is, for other it is not.

Although I agree the circumstantial evidence does not look great, I don't think you have hard evidence and hence a confrontation may turn sideways for you.

Are you wanting the S agreement because of your PA suspicions?

[Jac12]

I would say it's not a deal breaker for me. I'm open to understanding her reasons and working through them. I do feel like she's had a lot going on in her life that would make her unhappy and she's likely seeking happiness from easy places.

I want the S agreement because financially I need her help and she's been unwilling to contribute. I guess I also hope that some tough realizations may break her out of her fog. There are consequences to her behaviour.

[Jac12]

I ended up telling W that she was free to come see our S on Monday. I will come back in time for his bedtime routine but otherwise I'm going to give them some space to connect and have some fun.

Thanks to Sandi, I won't chat with my wife tonight about her possible affair. What's the point in the end? If she is going to turn things around and come back she'll need to realize that on her own. I've been nothing but supportive and patient to this point and she knows I'm willing to work through our challenges. In order to show strength I'm just going to go on with my life.

I'll stay positive as best I can and keep interactions pleasant.

I will also be seeing my lawyer tomorrow to get the S agreement drawn up and sent later this week. She'll be pissed I think but if she says anything what's the best response? This was her choice and I need to make sure our son is looked after?

[unchien]

I ended up telling W that she was free to come see our S on Monday. I will come back in time for his bedtime routine but otherwise I'm going to give them some space to connect and have some fun.

Good for you, clearly you thought about your W's request and decided to accommodate. I think it's healthy to demonstrate you are not digging your heels in on everything, and also that you recognize the importance of the relationship between your W and S. That is good modeling.

Thanks to Sandi, I won't chat with my wife tonight about her possible affair. What's the point in the end? If she is going to turn things around and come back she'll need to realize that on her own. I've been nothing but supportive and patient to this point and she knows I'm willing to work through our challenges. In order to show strength I'm just going to go on with my life.

I'll stay positive as best I can and keep interactions pleasant.

Did you end up chatting?

I will also be seeing my lawyer tomorrow to get the S agreement drawn up and sent later this week. She'll be pissed I think but if she says anything what's the best response? This was her choice and I need to make sure our son is looked after?

The S agreement is your choice, not hers.

I know what the vets will say... if she says anything, just listen, validate, etc. No need to explain or justify.

I completely understand the impulse to provide some reason. Part of the problem with doing this is the conversation can quickly go off script. If you were to say "I need this to make sure our son is looked after," your W may want to change the timeshare arrangements with your S. Are you okay with this? Especially if her motivation appears financial? She may accuse you of having purely financial motives for caring for your S.

I'm only suggesting that mixing the financial piece with caring for your son is likely to heighten emotions and trigger both of you. This is one of the reasons to just listen, validate, etc.

[AnotherStander]

Jac, I know this all is miserable to go through and you feel the need to do SOMETHING to shake things up. But even if your W is having a go at the local football team, she wouldn't consider it an "affair" because she's already moved out and essentially fired you as H. Sure there's some paper filed somewhere saying you're still married, but to her that's just a pesky detail. So in her eyes if she's having no sex, a little sex, a lot of sex or an insane amount of sex, it's "NUNYA" (that's our office shorthand, if someone asks where we're going to lunch we say "nunya" which is short for "nunya business" ) So if you confront her she is very likely to set the record straight for you, that you are divorced in everyway except that pesky piece of paper, that you have no right to pry into what she is doing and in fact HOW DARE YOU snoop and make accusations etc. etc. You see where I'm going, it'll all just blow up in your face and you'll end up looking like the bad guy for even bringing it up.

[Jac12]

Unchien - I didn't end up having a chat with her. I've done what I can and although it's taken some time i realize she needs to work through this on her own. I'm here if she needs me and she knows that.

As for the finances - at this point I just don't have many options. I don't want to take the money out of our investments. She should be helping us out and I'm only asking for the help so I can make sure I can stay in this house for my son. I'm doing what I can to make more and I'll keep trying.

No, I don't want to share the time with our son. She knows me well enough to know that the money has never been an issue to me and I just want my son. She hasn't shown an interest in being his mom over the past 6 months - her needs over his, and right now I'm doing the better job at parenting. She was a great mom before all of this and I hope she changes things around to be better in the future.

When I came home tonight she did ask if I met up with friends. Instead of lying I told her the truth: I went out to dinner on my own so she could have some quality time with our son and I could have some quiet time for myself. She appreciated that. I asked about her day and she shared how work was. When she left, she gave me a hug.

She also noticed a few times that I was still wearing my ring. I caught her looking twice.

Anyways, overall a good day. Thanks for following up.

[Jac12]

AS - point taken. I have to remember that right now she's not herself. I wonder if her sexual assault from high school (she never dealt with it) has any lingering effects to any of this. I guess its up to her to figure out.

She's making some new friends at work and they are girls for once. She brought that up and made a point to tell me she's making friends with girls and she seemed happy about that. I just said :"that's great".

I was in a bad spot for a couple days but with everyone's help on here I feel a little bit better regardless of what she's doing.

This weekend I'm taking my Son to a friends cottage for a few days so we'll enjoy that.

[Jac12]

Also - it appears she has yet to contact a lawyer regarding our S agreement. Apparently a friend of hers recommended she use my lawyer and try to do this amicably. Her brother called to tell me this. We talked about this a week ago and she still hasn't moved forward.

My BIL wants to give her a reality check. Her father would have but he never got a chance so he sees this as his role. I'm staying out of it.

[SoTorn]

Jac, I know this all is miserable to go through and you feel the need to do SOMETHING to shake things up. But even if your W is having a go at the local football team, she wouldn't consider it an "affair" because she's already moved out and essentially fired you as H. Sure there's some paper filed somewhere saying you're still married, but to her that's just a pesky detail. So in her eyes if she's having no sex, a little sex, a lot of sex or an insane amount of sex, it's "NUNYA" (that's our office shorthand, if someone asks where we're going to lunch we say "nunya" which is short for "nunya business" ) So if you confront her she is very likely to set the record straight for you, that you are divorced in everyway except that pesky piece of paper, that you have no right to pry into what she is doing and in fact HOW DARE YOU snoop and make accusations etc. etc. You see where I'm going, it'll all just blow up in your face and you'll end up looking like the bad guy for even bringing it up.

An example of this sort of reaction was my EXWW when I confronted her with proof from the PI I hired. She literally told me "I cant be with a man I cant trust, how dare you have me followed "