Had MC earlier today. We did a communication exercise where I was the speaker and W was the listener. I chose a past event that encapsulated a lot of our issues - my W's tendency to unload all her resentment at once, my own inability to process the information (at the time) without cycling and spinning, our joint inability to work together through issues. We got pretty deep into things. It was very matter-of-fact and not particularly emotional - partly because of the awkwardness of the setup. My W seemed a little defensive but she listened. I brought up some ways I have changed since this incident, not trying to go too deep into my personal issues... this part was awkward. At the end, the counselor suggested I make a request that I need to be heard. I corrected him, and said, "I would like to be heard, but I don't need to be heard."
I'm not sure if this exercise was good or bad for our relationship whether as co-parents or spouses. I guess we'll see. It's probably my W's turn next week ::cringe::
However... I'm glad we did it. Either I was laying necessary groundwork (for MR 2.0) or I was being much more assertive and shedding some NGS. No outcome expectancy from this talk. I feel really good. When I did some coaching a couple months back, the general advice was to just be positive and focus on improving myself. That's how I felt today -- positive, and happy to let go of some of this baggage and air out my feelings.
It's a weird feeling... part of my NGS has been giving over control and power of my happiness to my W. It's almost like my happiness was a delicate crystal ball and she shattered it -- I want to thank her for making me realize happiness is my responsibility. I didn't feel particularly emotional today, just described how I see things. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been as attracted to her in the past, had I resolved my NGS issues sooner. I honestly don't know.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have been as attracted to her in the past, had I resolved my NGS issues sooner. I honestly don't know.
Your story is slowly selling me on reading that No More Mr. Nice Guy book. In life, I typically don't do "nice" things (holding open doors, buying a date a glass of wine) with any significant expectations. I do them because I like seeing others feel happy. I have to admit it was different for me once in a relationship and in the "Circle of Trust". Good for you learning some things about your boundaries, what you want in MR2.0, and finding ways to have deep conversations with a difficult partner without cycling/spinning.
CW - For some people like me, NMMNG reads like a freakin' biography. You may or may not get the same mileage out of it. I do highly recommend it.
Same for me. I was shocked at how much I identified with it.
And I'm not going to lie: it stung, because for so long I felt that being a nice guy was what separated me, and the refrain I'd hear from people "You're such a great guy!" really validated me. I wasn't until I read the book that I learned the hard downside - so many covert promises, so much people pleasing, so many problems with integrity and shame.
I wish I would have read it a year ago, as I think it would have made a difference in my MR. All I can do now is commit to getting emotionally healthy, and hope that there's a MR to go back to after S.
I wish I would have read it a year ago, as I think it would have made a difference in my MR. All I can do now is commit to getting emotionally healthy, and hope that there's a MR to go back to after S.
I agree, Steve but i’m Not sure it would’ve resonated in the same way without a BD first. I think I’d have agreed in principle with a lot of its points but not really thought it a problem.
I actually read NMMNG over a year ago, when I was trying to deal with our DB (Dead Bedroom, in this case, not Divorce Busting).
Unfortunately the lessons didn't stick and I didn't put in the hard work. I thought I integrated the lessons, but I didn't scratch the surface. As Rooney pointed out, us ignorant fools need the BD to snap us awake.
There's some stuff in the book that's kind of a waste to me - the "here's why men are like this today" part. The rest is gold.
