My EXWW almost ditched us all. The pull from OM was so strong she was going to up and move to his home state, where he lives with his wife, using the guise of "work wants me to move".
This was when she thought I didnt know she was cheating. She was going to work in his home state and come "visit" us every two weeks for a weekend.
I had not confirmed her A yet but I knew what was going on. I told her that I felt she would be choosing work over her family. I told her my feelings that she would essentially be ditching her family for work. It royally pissed her off that I was not on board with that.
Before OM she always planned on us moving as a family if her work afforded such an opportunity.
Of course now, even though we are D, her kids know why we are D so she decided to stay in our home town.
I honestly wish that she would just leave and give me full custody. But she wont.
Last edited by SoTorn; 08/02/1902:36 PM.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Yes as Sandi said it happens. Previously doting and loving mothers (fathers too) suddenly wanting nothing to do with their children. It can be extremely difficult to come to terms with, it just really highlights how your W is not the same person you knew and loved. She may come out of it or she may not, it can't be predicted. I can't remember if Michele said this in her books or if it was one of the vets here, but when they disconnect the go in this order- spouse, children, family, friends. When they reconnect (if they ever do) they do so in the opposite order.
that's interesting and the order in how she disconnected was pretty spot on.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Just got back from a nice weekend at my friends cottage. Took my son and we had a great time - he loved riding on the Jet Ski.
W sent a text the morning of the day we were driving up: "Hope you guys have loads of fun this weekend. Have a safe drive".
I just sent back "We Will. Thanks".
It was nice to be away from the madness for a few days. Busy week ahead, including the S Agreement Proposal being sent to her at some point during the week.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
My W just sent me a text reminding me that "Bachelor in Paradise" starts tonight. We used to watch this show together for some unwinding but I have no interest in it on my own. She did the same thing a week ago about the Bachelor Finale. Last week I texted back: "Thanks for thinking of me"...I know I should have just let it go but I thought I'd be nice since she was thinking of me.
I won't respond to this one but why isn't it nice to just say "thanks" back? Also, I'm in the process of reading No More Mr. Nice Guy in case anyone was going to suggest that
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I won't respond to this one but why isn't it nice to just say "thanks" back? Also, I'm in the process of reading No More Mr. Nice Guy in case anyone was going to suggest that
Don't skip around and/or rush through the book. Read all of it, slowly. Then give us the answer to your question.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - is it because I'm saying it in order to get some sort of reaction out of her? Or to make her feel good? Basically it has nothing to do with me and my feelings and putting my own needs first.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Well...I had a chat with my WW this evening. I wanted to be up front with my feelings as this was something I wasn't good at before all this happened. Basically talked about some things I had learned about myself and how it may have contributed to our marriage going downhill - a lot of nice guy syndrome things. She seemed to appreciate me doing some introspection and said maybe she should be doing the same thing.
But....she has no feelings for me. She thinks there are too many little things that have added up and she has no interest in working on the marriage. She said she would likely be dating in the near future (I think she's seeing someone now, just a hunch though). She thought she was clear a few weeks ago when we chatted about it being over. I asked her then why she said she wouldn't sign the divorce papers and she said because it seems so final. But she reiterated that she's done and she doens't care if I was with someone else.
So since the BD dec 9/18 she has done nearly zero to work on our marriage and keep our family together. We have a beautiful little boy who one day will ask his mom if she tried and she said "I'm comfortable telling him no, I didn't feel it anymore". WTF. I am beyond hurt and angry and sad.
I told her tonight that I haven't recognized this person for the last 9 months. She said people change. I said you used to be a great mom and now you'd rather go to Toronto with friends than spend the day with your son who you only see twice a week. I don't know this W, the old W was a great person. I also said she should continue to see an IC bc this isn't you. I don't know this person.
So it looks like we will be getting a D. She'll get the S agreement proposal this week which is pretty much what they'll use in the D.
I'm asking for full child support of course. I'm asking that my son lives with me and I am the custodial parent. She can visit on certain days and I'll be cooperative with giving her some time. In lieu of full spousal support I've asked to keep our house and my investments.
She won't be happy as basically it works out to $2400/month and she's off the house and can't touch my investments. But...that probably beats her paying $4000/month. My L thinks I'll get what I am asking for.
I thought she was the love of my life. I loved her completely. I don't know what happened.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
This is why we say "no R talks". Most LBHs can't handle getting their grapes crushed like this. R talks get you no where and only set you back further.
To other LBSs, use jac's experience as a valuable lesson.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This is why we say "no R talks". Most LBHs can't handle getting their grapes crushed like this. R talks get you no where and only set you back further.
To other LBSs, use jac's experience as a valuable lesson.
Steve, I think this outcome was coming right from the very start. She has had no intention of trying to work things out in our marriage. She's a ghost of her former self. She said she wants me in her life, just not romantically.
I'm actually doing better than I thought I would. I've probably been expecting this and I'm not attracted to the person she is now.
Also, I couldn't let this continue the way it's been going as she's been neglecting her responsibilities to her son. Saturday's are supposed to be her days and 2 Saturdays ago she chose to go to Toronto with her friends instead of spending it with her son. She isn't paying any financial support and I've had to change my job so I could look after our son while she goes through her mess. I'm at a point where that can't continue and she would have dragged it on so she can spend her money however she wants.
Maybe she would have come around, or still may, but she's not doing any personal growth work on her end or trying to see how she contributed to anything. She'd rather take her issues onto the next relationship.
I'll still let her handle the actual D filing as that isn't what I want (however, I'm getting closer to that myself). I'm not ready to be in another relationship at this point but it looks like seeing other people is now on the table.
How can I have any respect for someone who left their child? I really believed there were some mental issues going on but she's not addressing them and really doesn't believe that to be the case. It's just how she feels. Are you suggesting those feelings can actually change?
How do I move forward now as far as our interactions go?
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Jac it's called riding the storm out. You don't try to do busy renovations in the middle of a hurricane. All of our wives were done with their marriage after BD. All of them neglected their responsibilities of they were wayward. All of them said things similar to your wife. The key is patience. Your sitch is no different now than it was before this discussion. The only thing that changed was your entire emotions based on her words. You've broken two DB principles:
Don't start R discussions. Believe nothing she says.
Just like before she is likely to do nothing and sign nothing that moves S or D forward. We say this all the time, that usually the LBS has to do that. WAS are notoriously lazy about that kind of thing.
Jac, when you have the urge to do something usually the best course of action is to do nothing. As Cadet says, in DBing doing nothing IS doing something.
Take a deep breath. Step back. Calm down. Stop trying to control the sitch and her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
