Hey U, I know all the thinking about the custody arrangement can be super stressful. As I am filing tomorrow, I spent hours last night looking up and reading different custody schedules. I decided on 2-2-3 just because I feel like you get a little of every day of the week and the swap location is my Sons school which is very close and won’t be much of an issue. I’m glad you are thinking about it now though so you won’t be rushed.
Do you feel like MC is doing anything positive at this point U?
I've been thinking about custody since April when I figured out I was in pre-BD limbo. At this point I'm not particularly stressed worrying about what I want, other than feeling guilty about starting off less than 50% for now. But I do think it's for the best. Long-term I would want 50-50, and likely a 7-7 would work best with my work schedule. 2-2-3 or 2-2-5-5 I think are as good as it gets if you can do it. I'm glad you have something that works for you.
MC was really bizarre today. My W went back to the kid safety narrative, and I don't want to go into details, mostly because they aren't relevant to my larger point. One issue was something W and I had already discussed over the phone.
I hate delving into my W's head, but here is how I believe she is approaching MC (now that we are 5 sessions in):
- We are going to D. - What is best for the kids is that mom and dad are excellent co-parents. - Part of this includes dad being a safe parent, and I am worried about that. - Rather than filing for D immediately, I would like to push dad to be a better, safer parent, so I am comfortable with a joint custody arrangement that is good for our kids.
I actually brought this up today. I said I felt the 3 of us (me, W, counselor) were there primarily to focus on making me a better parent so that my W feels safer. My W said, "No! We are also working on communication!" I just don't believe it at this point.
Because of the history of my sitch, I feel it is in my best interest to continue with MC while our timeshare arrangement gets cranking. At the moment, I feel there is little benefit to our MR. We are communicating better, although mostly I feel it is obvious to me when we don't communicate well, but my W needs MC to understand when she misinterprets things.
All in all a big swirling mess in my head right now. I felt pretty beat up in MC today. I said I'm going to be a better dad regardless of this situation and I'll take the negative feedback to heart. My W tried to recover and give some positive feedback, but the constant hammering on my parenting leaves me numb. I need to work on my PMA at these times, and not feel victimized.
I keep telling myself to weather the storm. Even if I was 100% convinced I wanted a D, now is not the time to file.
MC really threw me for a loop today. I need to take this as a lesson and absorb it. I'm a bit of a mess. I'm frustrated with myself.
I am sucked back into my old patterns of thinking. This is a lesson in letting go of outcomes. In this case, MC outcomes.
We continue to cover kid safety heavily in MC. Anytime my W brings up a topic, it is kid safety. We repeat discussions we have had outside of MC, items I thought we closed. I am not diminishing the importance of the safety of our children. But I do feel put under the microscope. Any parenting mistake I make is dissected and analyzed. These are not mind-blowing mistakes. The details are unimportant.
I'm not supposed to do this, but I do wonder what my W is really thinking with respect to MC. I can't understand what is going on. Mostly I wonder if she thinks she is being the bigger person, that rather than filing for D and full custody which would damage the kids, she is giving me the "gift" of proving my worth as a father, and then she will file and we will have some amicable happy family D. I could be completely off-base. I have no clue what she is thinking. I know that I can withstand this kind of pressure for only so long - I'm trying to make it through for awhile so we have established regular timesharing with the kids.
The old patterns of thinking haunt me. I feel attacked, accused. I feel like my feelings are treated as less important than my W's. I feel like my concerns are secondary to hers. I feel like my wife only values my money, and the fact I am the father of our kids... everything else annoys her. I feel like she is very controlling. I feel betrayed, hurt, small.
I do stand up in MC when I can. I said today that regardless of how much negative feedback I get, I will continue to be positive and work to be a better person and a better father for myself. My W at that point started giving me positive feedback... "so glad you took them on that trip, you all deserved it, I really mean that". Her earnestness rang hollow for me. I don't even know if she meant it. She just never talks that way, and I felt like it was pried out of her. After the session she was her normal self, we had some brief banal discussion about swapping a weekend to accommodate her t which point I said "Not sure, I have plans that weekend"
This post is a mess and I am a mess of swirling thoughts. Not as bad as I would have been a month ago, but I recognize I need to work on myself here.
Big picture I feel kind of stuck going to MC for the moment. I need a better gameplan. I should assume my W will have some to sort of parenting issue to bring up, that I will be under the microscope, and prepare accordingly. Stop playing the victim, but also don't be dismissive of her concerns.
I wish I could see a year into the future right now. I know it will be better than the present moment.
I think part of your problem is you are taking the term "marriage counseling" literally when it is clearly not what it is right now and most likely ever. Again, you have made this way to easy for her to disassemble the family unit. This gives her the ability to tell your family and children down the road that you tried MC and it didn't work. Only you will know that it's all a bunch of bs.
As far as her feelings being the only thing that matters. Welcome to the world of the LBS. In time you will realize that life is to short to be constantly reminded how horrible of a person you are. Right now you are the young child touching the stove "hot" how about now "hot" now "hot" but you'll learn unfortunately it takes time.
I think part of your problem is you are taking the term "marriage counseling" literally when it is clearly not what it is right now and most likely ever. Again, you have made this way to easy for her to disassemble the family unit. This gives her the ability to tell your family and children down the road that you tried MC and it didn't work. Only you will know that it's all a bunch of bs.
As far as her feelings being the only thing that matters. Welcome to the world of the LBS. In time you will realize that life is to short to be constantly reminded how horrible of a person you are. Right now you are the young child touching the stove "hot" how about now "hot" now "hot" but you'll learn unfortunately it takes time.
As someone who is in a similar boat - although my MC sessions have been a lot more positive - do you have any recommendations for how LBS should approach MC?
Yes only attend if your W is working on the marriage. How do you know? She reads the 5 Love Languages and learns yours and actively try’s to implement them. She does the homework given. She speaks positively about you in MC.
Anything less is a complete waste of money and time but of course MC is not going to tell you that.
Yes only attend if your W is working on the marriage. How do you know? She reads the 5 Love Languages and learns yours and actively try’s to implement them. She does the homework given. She speaks positively about you in MC.
Anything less is a complete waste of money and time but of course MC is not going to tell you that.
So that basically means (if I'm hearing you correctly) that any couple that is currently S should not do MC, right? My WAW certainly knows my love language and to her credit, speaks positively about me but since we're S, we don't have much of a pathway to implementing them.
I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying participation is mandatory.
I’m skeptical when there is a separation. If she really wanted to work on it a separation is not likely needed. When people separate it’s more then likely another person involved. Obviously there are outliers.
Just so you know I am divorced and am often told my ex speaks positively about me. Actions not words.
U,I think part of your problem is you are taking the term "marriage counseling" literally when it is clearly not what it is right now and most likely ever. Again, you have made this way to easy for her to disassemble the family unit. This gives her the ability to tell your family and children down the road that you tried MC and it didn't work. Only you will know that it's all a bunch of bs.
You are right that I take the term "MC" literally.
My frustration is two-fold:
1. The "child safety" issue - There is an implicit threat that my W may at any time decide I have made a decision that endangers the children. So I feel forced to go to MC for the time being. I want to establish another month or two of regular timesharing.
I want to avoid a custody battle if it comes down to it. Establishing a regular pattern of timesharing now is in my best interest. This feels like I also have to "put up" with the repeated discussions on child safety and my inferiority as a parent in MC.
2. The "not working on the MR" issue - We went to MC last year. I would say we were "working on the MR" more then, but even then week to week it was confusing if we were making progress.
One thing I don't care about as much is whether I am enabling my W to tell family and kids that we tried everything and it didn't work. I'm not interested in fighting for hearts and minds. I know my kids love me and in many ways this separation is bringing us closer together.
Originally Posted by LH19
As far as her feelings being the only thing that matters. Welcome to the world of the LBS. In time you will realize that life is to short to be constantly reminded how horrible of a person you are. Right now you are the young child touching the stove "hot" how about now "hot" now "hot" but you'll learn unfortunately it takes time.
Thanks for bringing me back to center here. You are right.
I brought up yesterday in MC this point -- that the constant negative feedback wears on me. I followed that up by saying I would be positive regardless on focus on making myself a better person and father. I did not say husband.
To your stove analogy -- yep, I keep getting triggered. The kid safety issue triggers me more than anything else. And she keeps going back to that same button and mashing it over and over and over and over. I need to work on this, avoiding the trigger response.
I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying participation is mandatory.
SteveS and I are both struggling with what "participation" means. I think this is where our sitches diverge a little bit, with my MC so heavily focused on childcare issues.
Originally Posted by LH19
I’m skeptical when there is a separation. If she really wanted to work on it a separation is not likely needed. When people separate it’s more then likely another person involved. Obviously there are outliers
I wonder how this actually works in a separation where the couple reconciles. It does happen sometimes.
You start with a separation. At some point down the timeline, there must be dinner dates. How do you go from A to B? Where do you start? If you just separated, it seems strange to flip the switch and suddenly both be actively engaged in fixing things. Part of the point of separation is that one or both parties needs time and space.
I have a possibly controversial theory about separations that work out. I suspect substance abuse is involved many times. There is an obvious problem, both parties understand what the problem is, and one party has to go fix it.
Then there are separations like SteveS's and mine. Our WAW's are indecisive. Heck asking for separation is an incredibly indecisive move, but with heavy consequences. I know my W did not think this through at all. It's "I want a D, but I don't want the guilt of a D."
