W:"Bla bla bla bla family dinners bla bla bla bla" H:"Next time I take the kids out, you are free to join us"
W:"Bla bla bla bla every tuesday bla bla bla bla" H:"I will think about that.
W:"Bla bla bla bla bla" H:"I understand you feel that way. "
If she invites you during her parenting time, then you can accept the first one, the third one, the sixth one. Make sure you decline some. Then make the decision based off of DO I WANT TO and IS THIS THE BEST CHOICE AT THIS POINT IN THE PROCESS.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
LB - to be honest it sounds like YOU need space and time to figure this out.
As far as telling her what your "goals" are, I wouldn't get deep into anything at all about your true goals, especially if it's a temp check. Yes we all want to see improvement, that's the LBS way, but tread extremely carefully.
Maybe saying something generic and abstract like I have short term goal to concentrate my energy and focus on family time etc...? If you decide to tell her at all.
Do I tell her my goal for the relationship? She likely already knows I’d prefer to get back together. Don’t want to state something she already knows but don’t want to be unclear on my intentions either. I think I’m gonna go visit my work bud and see what he thinks. He’s never met my W. He’s been through this divorce process twice and has some good perspective to keep me from doing dumb things.
IMO, you do not tell her this. She's put you through a lot.
And what makes you think that she knows this already?
Originally Posted by LB55
She gave me time to do that. I can’t think forever or I just look indecisive, weak, and unable to make a decision.
How can she give you what is yours to take? She may have wanted an answer right then and there, but I guarantee she's changed her mind on it several times since then. No answer is an answer in and of itself. Plus, even if she were beating the door down tomorrow, you'd need a lot of consistency before you could believe anything.
Originally Posted by LB55
How the conversation would go. Would we be able to talk without poking each other about past hurts? Would we be able to walk away if needed? That kind of stuff.
Sounds like she is totally healed.
Originally Posted by LB55
If I don’t tell her what I want, then I’m back to being a NGS dude that doesn’t tell others his wants and needs and is angry because I never get what I want.
Do you believe, in this case, that asking for what you want will get you what you want? It's not NGS to protect yourself either. You know your situation best.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
If she invites you during her parenting time, then you can accept the first one, the third one, the sixth one. Make sure you decline some. Then make the decision based off of DO I WANT TO and IS THIS THE BEST CHOICE AT THIS POINT IN THE PROCESS.
Definitely intended to let her initiate them. I need to see that if it is something she wants, that she is committed to putting in the effort to discuss it and help plan it. I've told her I want it and that won't change; however it doesn't bear repeating again and again though. If she wants it she will ask about it.
I have plenty of outs that are legit to ensure I don't accept each and every invite all the time. At this point I have the kids every other weekend, and one negotiable night per week. If we start some sort of dinner plan, at this point what I would want is every other week on a weeknight evening, probably Wednesday. I still get my night with the kids in addition; family time doesn't replace dad time. This would give me every other weekend, 1 night each week (M-Th) of dad time, and one night(M-Th) every other week of family dinner.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
LB - to be honest it sounds like YOU need space and time to figure this out.
As far as telling her what your "goals" are, I wouldn't get deep into anything at all about your true goals, especially if it's a temp check. Yes we all want to see improvement, that's the LBS way, but tread extremely carefully.
Maybe saying something generic and abstract like I have short term goal to concentrate my energy and focus on family time etc...? If you decide to tell her at all.
You are correct in a way. I know what I want. I need time and space to figure out a plan to get what I want. I have the time and space. I can't force her to come back; the only part of this I know is I am working on the potholes in the road back home. Those are my issues to resolve.
As far as goals, I have mine and they are in my head. I told her my goal is improved communications between us in the short term. We both agreed that email is a tough medium with emotions and will call when we need to discuss something. No ghost calling, if we call, we leave a voicemail describing what we are calling about. We will see if its sustainable. I talked with her for 2 hours on Saturday on the phone as described above; additionally for a few minutes sunday morning to work out the deal to spend the day with S11, and for about 10 minutes in the driveway when bringing him home last night. So I'm taking that as a good start to meeting that goal. I still need to define how it will be met, or possibly refine it to be able to objectively be able to meet the goal.
When we were talking last night, she surprised me; she reached out and grabbed my shoulder and held on for a second. I almost instinctively withdrew as first; it was odd. It wasn't the kind of flirty touch that shows romantic interest, but it was not unfriendly either. I wasn't sure if she was going to hug me; her body motions were very close to that as she reached for me; I almost reached out under her outstretched arm and embraced her and gave her a big hug but I refrained; it was such a natural movement from our past. Such an odd thing right now. I also refrained from telling her she looked nice(she really did), or any of the other pursuit stuff.
I decided im going to find some cologne I like this week. That's a personal goal for me to accomplish.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Do I tell her my goal for the relationship? She likely already knows I'd prefer to get back together. Don't want to state something she already knows but don't want to be unclear on my intentions either. I think I'm gonna go visit my work bud and see what he thinks. He's never met my W. He's been through this divorce process twice and has some good perspective to keep me from doing dumb things.
IMO, you do not tell her this. She's put you through a lot.
And what makes you think that she knows this already?
I've told her that while I disagree with divorce being the solution to our problems, I won't stand in her way. She has told me more than once that she knows I don't believe in divorce but she doesn't see any other way right now.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by LB55
She gave me time to do that. I can't think forever or I just look indecisive, weak, and unable to make a decision.
How can she give you what is yours to take? She may have wanted an answer right then and there, but I guarantee she's changed her mind on it several times since then. No answer is an answer in and of itself. Plus, even if she were beating the door down tomorrow, you'd need a lot of consistency before you could believe anything.
That is possible. I think I look indecisive if I wait for her to ask about it again. Point taken; I have to take the time I need in this. Agree on the consistency piece. Lots more needed in that department.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by LB55
How the conversation would go. Would we be able to talk without poking each other about past hurts? Would we be able to walk away if needed? That kind of stuff.
Sounds like she is totally healed.
Thus my very skeptical comment above. I'm able to see this and I think that is a good thing. She has a long ways to go. I think part of this is she stopped going to IC because her IC 'took the summer off'. If she thinks she is good to go, then why go anymore. I will wait to see if she restarts or not here in a month.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by LB55
If I don't tell her what I want, then I'm back to being a NGS dude that doesn't tell others his wants and needs and is angry because I never get what I want.
Do you believe, in this case, that asking for what you want will get you what you want? It's not NGS to protect yourself either. You know your situation best.
This is an area that I struggle with. I'm re-reading DR and the NMMNG books this week. I honestly don't know if it would get me what I want. Its a decision I have to make and consequnces I have to be ready to accept if I choose to tell her my goal of re-building our marriage from the ground up. Perhaps I need to break down my really big goal into smaller more obtainable goals to help me here. Hmm.
Last edited by LB55; 08/05/1905:26 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Just remember that these things take time , there will be lots of wavering on both sides . One day at a time and do the right thing as best you can each time . One bit of good advice that I can give is if and when you go out for a meal you are looking your best confident, engage with the kids and people around you . In my opinion women are more tuned into the social side of things . Being the happy man that everyone likes is great . Obviously don’t overdo any of this , but get the focus away from her in yourself. If she sees you checking her reaction each time it will backfire. Along with R2C’s advice . Boom ( in a little way)
Just remember that these things take time , there will be lots of wavering on both sides . One day at a time and do the right thing as best you can each time . One bit of good advice that I can give is if and when you go out for a meal you are looking your best confident, engage with the kids and people around you . In my opinion women are more tuned into the social side of things . Being the happy man that everyone likes is great . Obviously don’t overdo any of this , but get the focus away from her in yourself. If she sees you checking her reaction each time it will backfire. Along with R2C’s advice . Boom ( in a little way)
This is a good reminder and helps me keep perspective. Thank you!
I'm totally on board with the looking nice and being confident. I've got a new wardrobe for the most part. I've been practicing being engaging and positive with the servers when I have been going out with friends or by myself. If it happens its for the kids; I know she will be watching but I won't be focusing on her or her reactions to things.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
LB - to be honest it sounds like YOU need space and time to figure this out.
As far as telling her what your "goals" are, I wouldn't get deep into anything at all about your true goals, especially if it's a temp check. Yes we all want to see improvement, that's the LBS way, but tread extremely carefully.
Maybe saying something generic and abstract like I have short term goal to concentrate my energy and focus on family time etc...? If you decide to tell her at all.
You are correct in a way. I know what I want. I need time and space to figure out a plan to get what I want. I have the time and space. I can't force her to come back; the only part of this I know is I am working on the potholes in the road back home. Those are my issues to resolve.
I feel very much the same way you do. I also know what I want. In my case, however,there is no way I am telling W that right now. She is far from being ready for those discussions.
What do you think you would you say? Might be helpful to mull over a few things that would be "safe" to tell her without "giving away the farm" and retaining your air of mystery.
Quote
As far as goals, I have mine and they are in my head. I told her my goal is improved communications between us in the short term. We both agreed that email is a tough medium with emotions and will call when we need to discuss something. No ghost calling, if we call, we leave a voicemail describing what we are calling about. We will see if its sustainable. I talked with her for 2 hours on Saturday on the phone as described above; additionally for a few minutes sunday morning to work out the deal to spend the day with S11, and for about 10 minutes in the driveway when bringing him home last night. So I'm taking that as a good start to meeting that goal. I still need to define how it will be met, or possibly refine it to be able to objectively be able to meet the goal.
Yeah email is not easy. My W is solely text message- nothing verbal at all. I have to re-read everything I write, trying to hear it in whatever tone she is assigning to it (which is practically impossible).
You cant go wrong with saying you want improved communications. that's my main goal as well.
Quote
When we were talking last night, she surprised me; she reached out and grabbed my shoulder and held on for a second. I almost instinctively withdrew as first; it was odd. It wasn't the kind of flirty touch that shows romantic interest, but it was not unfriendly either. I wasn't sure if she was going to hug me; her body motions were very close to that as she reached for me; I almost reached out under her outstretched arm and embraced her and gave her a big hug but I refrained; it was such a natural movement from our past. Such an odd thing right now. I also refrained from telling her she looked nice(she really did), or any of the other pursuit stuff.
Isn't it strange when the "nice" person we once knew makes a reappearance? Maybe your distance has begun to take effect a little bit, or maybe it's just a cameo appearance. These things are definitely not easy.
Someone told me once - way before any of this [censored] went down - that "they'll never learn to miss you until they go away". That person had been talking about teenagers going away to college, but I think it applies here too.
At any rate - my advice would be to take it very slow, and remember you've got the control here.
