That's a good thing. Generally people dont talk to you for 2 hours if they don't want you in their lives. She might be starting to miss things a bit.
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Tomorrow she might be back to cold calculating WW but for today she was a bit better. The conversation ended well and I got off the phone before it could go off the rails.
Take the win. Tomorrow is another day. I think as long as these up and down periods continue, we have to live in that moment. I'm glad the conversation went well for you. I call these "mini-thaws". Just watch out for the potential body slam on the other side. Hopefully it doesnt come this time.
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Do I tell her my goal for the relationship? She likely already knows I’d prefer to get back together. Don’t want to state something she already knows but don’t want to be unclear on my intentions either.
This I would wait on if it were me. You've been through a lot. Like you said, small steps. I would need to see a sustained period of improved interactions over time before I start thinking about peeking over the wall.
My W also wants family dinners in our schedule (originally she said weekly, now less often)... I wonder if it’s a way to feel safe by observing directly how you interact with the kids. I don’t get it either. We had one so far and they are awkward...
Your concern is valid R2C. Ordinarily I’d never tell her my goals for R(goes against every rule in the book); however when she asked me what my goals about our future were I feel she deserves an answer. I know her well enough to know this question won’t just disappear off the face of the planet.
These were her words to me on this “ultimately we need to have the conversation about goals before we embark on this new journey; we need to know that before we start spending time together as a family”
My NGS would tell me to wait forever and see if she tells me her goals first so I can align with those to make her happy. That won’t get me what I want nor will it make me happy. I may crash and burn; I already don’t have a marriage outside of a piece of paper so what is there to lose?
I told her I would have to think about it. She gave me time to do that. I can’t think forever or I just look indecisive, weak, and unable to make a decision. She has practically begged me to be more decisive in the past; my NGS would always kick in and default to “I don’t know” followed by never telling her what I wanted or “whatever you want” most times. I figure I’ve got a week or two to mull this over.
I clarified the scared to be around me thing yesterday too. She is not scared of me physically or of being around me...it is more a matter of uncertainty about how it would go. Her brain works overtime creating crazy scenarios that never actually happen. How the conversation would go. Would we be able to talk without poking each other about past hurts? Would we be able to walk away if needed? That kind of stuff.
We have agreed to talk more on the phone as we move forward. The voice inflection is necessary for both of us to help with intent of the message. I’ll just record the conversation to back me up legally.
I also told her after deliberating yesterday that I won’t be meeting her dad to divide our household stuff today. It is our mess to clean up, we need to work together to do that, and using him to avoid dealing with our issues isn’t going to work for me. He isn’t comfortable with it and neither am I. I gave her a couple proposals for how we could do it. We I’ll see how she responds.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
My W also wants family dinners in our schedule (originally she said weekly, now less often)... I wonder if it’s a way to feel safe by observing directly how you interact with the kids. I don’t get it either. We had one so far and they are awkward...
I don’t know what her motivation is; she brought it up and I’m adult enough to know this is more time I get to see the kids and it is most definitely not time to work on any of the issues with W. It can be fun and not awkward as long as that mindset is kept in my head.
This was very out of the blue, but also very much thought out. She didn’t hint around it or try to get me to figure out what she wanted, just came out and said it. “I would like to start having dinner as a family” we’re the words spoken. Not I think it’s best for the kids, or perhaps sometime we could maybe do something if I feel like it, or any other wishy-washy stuff. I’m taking it at face value. If you read long ago in my sitch I said one of my goals was to have a family meal again. This is the opportunity to meet that goal.
Probably won’t happen for a month or so because I’ve got a 10 day fishing trip planned and a few other things. My weeknights are fairly full and so I’ve got to make time for this without dropping everyone and everything else because that is the wrong answer.
Also breaking news...I scored VIP tickets to the blue angels today in Seattle like 30 mins ago...and it’s W weekend with the kids...she is letting me take S11!! I’m so happy right now, almost have tears because spending the day just me and him doesn’t ever get to happen.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Why are you wondering about her motives? You can never know and probably she won’t know exactly. Use it as a chance to show how great you are . Suggest you go for “family “ meals out .
Why are you wondering about her motives? You can never know and probably she won’t know exactly. Use it as a chance to show how great you are . Suggest you go for “family “ meals out .
I’m not wondering about her motives. I can see how my Statement could be taken that way. Unchien had wondered whether our W was using it to evaluate how we interact with the kids. I simply said I didn’t know why she was proposing it; I’m gonna run with it though because it was a decisive thing for her and not beating around the bush.
I definitely agree with going out to dinner; I think that’s what she wants as well. I’m just gonna do it when it happens and be a fun and engaging dad for the kids. It’s. Is not a show for her even though I am fully aware she’s paying attention.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I love seeing my kids at our “family” dinners. Nothing is strained but it is just really awkward interacting with my W. More time with my kids so I’m also okay for now.
As I read my thoughts from above I can see how thinking along those lines is possibly a temp check to keep me on the line as plan B. If I tell her My goal is to rebuild the marriage from scratch, she knows I’ll be around as long as needed; essentially stuck under her thumb. If I don’t tell her what I want, then I’m back to being a NGS dude that doesn’t tell others his wants and needs and is angry because I never get what I want. We haven’t been the best communicators; what if she is just waiting for me to be the alpha and tell her what I want? It’s quite tricky sometimes to navigate this minefield. I could talk myself in circles for hours on this topic. Risk and reward...nothing risked yields nothing in return. I’ll let this play out for a while and see if she shows any further signs of interest.
My goal has wavered at times but I’m still committed to a rebuild attempt. This is like a wildfire that destroyed my whole home and property. There were plenty of issues I didn’t like about my home, things I couldn’t change about it, and things I’d like to change about the home. It’s now in ashes and I’m sad. I remember all the good times, the holiday dinners, and the pictures that were lost. I have a couple choices here...decide the risk of wildfire is too much to deal with and sell my land and move somewhere safer, or rebuild exactly how I want it and keep the property safer in the future by doing regular maintenance on the grounds and home. Everywhere has risks, there is no safe place to live with 100% certainty of outcome. Very much like marriage...I could quit and push the D through, move on to someone new, and have plenty of risk; just different risks from a different person. I could really enjoy my new place or despise it shortly after moving there. Or I could rebuild myself and potentially my marriage the right way with the known risks while taking precautions and doing the upkeep that a marriage requires. Choices in life are hard. Right now I’m choosing to work on myself and be ready to rebuild if that opportunity is presented. Today...I stand for my marriage and my W. Tomorrow...well that will be for tomorrow. Sometimes my analogies only make sense to me.
The advice is to let her pursue, hold her feet to the fire for her actions, show true remorse, beg me to come back, etc. I’m actively re-reading DR now that I’m seeing myself in a different light and not in a deep dark hole. It discusses not missing the small signs of change. I’ve seen a few just in the past couple days in her attitude towards me and in our communications. Letting me take my son today on her day was a big positive and I thanked her in person for that. Doesn’t mean squat for our relationship; it means the world to me and S11. It was the first non-selfish behavior I’ve seen From her in this whole situation. Previously if I had asked for today it would have been “no we have plans” and I’d find out they spent the day on the tablets at home or “yes he can go but you need to give up a weekend to make up for me not getting my required time with them.” The tit for tat behavior was missing this time. It was nice.
I’m going to keep reading throughout the week and see what I glean from it.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
your W is all over the place and I am deeply concerned about her motives.In my view she just wants to know that you are on a leash and so she jerks the leash every now and then. I would be hard pressed to imagine myself ever being with such a person. She just sounds evil and vindictive. And you are still flogging yourself way too hard regarding the issues from the past.
