This has been a weird week for me. As I mentioned in a few posts before, I've been feeling OK (and having lots of success with GAL and working on the things I'd bring to the table in a reconciliation) but this week it feels tougher than it was and like I'm headed in the wrong direction emotionally. WAW and I met up earlier in the week for MC, and then again today to work on setting a budget and getting our finances in order through the S. This was prompted and set up by me. Partly because I'm traveling to Europe next week and partly to 180 as one of WAW's chief complaints from our MR was my reticence to involve her in our finances and take her wishes to save more money seriously. In the grand scheme of things it's small, but I do want her to recognize a consistent change here and also be reminded that when we're working on things as a team, we have fun together and we make for a formidable duo.
Like previous interactions with her, it was again very cordial and friendly, falling back to our usual rapport and enjoying each other's company. I do sometimes wonder if I'm projecting that, but I can certainly still make her laugh and she is generally very engaging and open with the conversation. The downside of course is that I greatly enjoy the time with her, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't still very physically attracted to her. So, I guess when they net out these interactions - as important as they might be logistically - are probably making me feel worse about my situation. I recognize that. The goodbyes are particularly awkward as we head our separate ways.
When I'm feeling confident and optimistic, I'm able to remind myself that there's a lot of reciprocity to the feelings: she said recently in MC that she's never been more physically attracted to me and she that's confused and hurting and masking it by overworking herself. When I'm feeling pessimistic, I have a very hard time seeing how we go from barely talking to working on things, and worse, that I'll never find someone that I'll love the way I loved her. I also have an incredibly hard time with the guilt of the things I'd have done differently and the ways I failed the MR.
I came across a thread on the forum that talked about not misinterpreting kindness or small gestures from a WAS as something more, and that is what really prompted the flood of negative thoughts and feelings. Not that the thread was unwelcome - it was super eye-opening - but it really made me confront just how much the situation I'm in hurts and how far away from each other we really are. I'm still operating out of such a place of fear: being afraid that NC will drive us further apart and that there's no way back at all.
All I can do is keep writing here, keep reading other threads, keep GALing, and keep working on myself. Just repeat that over and over like a mantra. It's OK to be hurt and confused. Feel those feelings and process them; don't run from them. No shortcuts. Do the work.
I woke up this morning feeling worse than I have in some time, at least since the S. I guess these feelings are just cyclical but I'm having a really hard time putting one foot in front of the other right now.
Everything I see, if I'm watching a show with a married couple, it immediately reminds me of what I've lost. If I'm listening to a love song, same deal. I don't know how to escape it.
We were only married for two years. When I look at texts that I've backed up, six months ago, you'd never guess anything was wrong. I don't know how things got so bad, so quick. She doesn't either, or at least she hasn't given any reason.
I know I need to go find something to do, see friends, go work out, something. And I will, but now I'm just glued to the couch, running through endless memories in my head.
Obviously I need to work on detachment, and I need to work on internalizing an abundance mentality. In time, I know that I'll be fine regardless what happens, but it's so hard to focus on that when in the short-term, all I can think about is how unhappy I am, how guilty I feel for not doing more, and how lonely I am without my life partner. I was about to type the word "helpless" but I stopped myself because I'm not helpless; I am the ultimate agent in my own happiness. I'm only helpless relative to things I cannot control, and my current unhappiness is because I'm feeling helpless in trying to control them.
This feels like a rollercoaster. I'm emotionally at the bottom of the hill right now.
Whenever I feel down like this I remind myself that this must happen for me to grow as a person. I've become so much better in every single way since this all started. Yes, I wish I could have my w back because how amazing would that be? I'm this awesome person now and if I had the woman of my dreams on top of that? But like you said, you can only control you.
Someone wrote this to me early on but I would go through this all over again if it meant I would grow into the person I am today. And this is all in just the past 3-4 months. Imagine where we will be in a year or two from now if we learn from it and see it as an opportunity rather than something negative?
You can do this! You will get through this!
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Whenever I feel down like this I remind myself that this must happen for me to grow as a person. I've become so much better in every single way since this all started. Yes, I wish I could have my w back because how amazing would that be? I'm this awesome person now and if I had the woman of my dreams on top of that? But like you said, you can only control you.
Someone wrote this to me early on but I would go through this all over again if it meant I would grow into the person I am today. And this is all in just the past 3-4 months. Imagine where we will be in a year or two from now if we learn from it and see it as an opportunity rather than something negative?
You can do this! You will get through this!
I appreciate the reply, thank you.
I do recognize that as a result of this, I'm taking a very hard look (and addressing) my NMMNG issues, my integrity, and other things that contributed to the difficulties in the MR. I have no doubt that for my next relationship, I'll be a stronger and more emotionally healthy partner. I doubt I'd have had those awakenings without a BD and without being forced to address them.
I can't change history, so for as much as I'd like to say that I wish I'd had read NMMNG six months ago, that's just wishful thinking. I do believe that if things move to D, I'll always look at my MR as a failure, a person I loved deeply but wasn't emotionally complete enough to make it work. That's a painful lesson, but it won't kill me.
What little optimism I do have is buoyed by the fact that there *are* people who have reconciled and pieced things together; both here and in my social group. I simply need to find the balance between maintaining that hope/standing up for the MR and detaching.
Just doing some journaling again. I'm on a plane overseas currently so I have a lot of time to think, and unfortunately no friends or family to reach out to in order to help me process my thoughts.
As I said in my post before, it's been a really tough weekend. I don't know if I've felt this lost or upset since the S. I've been doing well on GAL, but hit a bit of a wall this past week - I just don't have a lot of energy to go out and do much else than work out, even though I know it's important to keep busy. I feel like I'm in a loop: I'm sad over my situation and so I turn inward, and then beat myself up for doing the opposite of what I should be doing, which in turn makes me feel worse and cycles the loop all over again.
I know that a good bit of my sadness right now is self-inflicted. Between the MC and getting together with WAW to work on logistics, there hasn't really been anything close to a clean break. And when we do get together, it reminds me and makes me confront what I've lost - a woman that I l still deeply love and the loss of a future that I was so excited about. I'm working on coming to grips with various aspects of denial: that she's the same woman I married, that there's potential for R, that she's noticed the 180s, but it's hard when I'm filled with so much wishful thinking. Maybe I'm being hard on myself here too, as it's only been a month. Or maybe she has noticed the changes, but I have no transparency into how she's feeling or thinking at all. Either way, detachment is clearly where I need the most help.
In my IC, one of the key things we've been working on is my fear of abandonment. It's been a pattern all of my life: I was given up for adoption, my parents had a terrible relationship, fighting all of the time and leaving my brother and me to basically figure things out for ourselves. They also went through a brutal multi-year D, after which my mom's health issues caught up to her and she passed away. Every relationship I've been in save one, I've been on the bad side of the breakup, no doubt to nice-guy syndrome and scars from my childhood. NMMNG really, really opened my eyes to some of my worst behaviors, and while it's good to have a reference for it, there's still a lot of work to do in resolving them.
Another thing that my therapist tries to instill in me that I cannot move forward if I am not willing and able to forgive myself for the areas in which I failed the MR. I understand that, but it's very hard to do that when so much of what went wrong traces back to things that I feel fall on my shoulders. No D is ever 100% on one side, but WAW has never really articulated areas in which she feels like she didn't do enough or things that she's regretful for. Maybe that's something to work in MC. It's probably the NMMNG/abandonment issues flaring up, but I just feel overwhelmed with guilt over things I would have done differently. We were only married two years, how could it go so bad, so fast? How could I make the mistakes I did, and take for granted the woman I loved so much more than I could have ever imagined?
I don't really have any answers. I don't know if there are any. All I can do is give it time, keep committing to making myself a more emotionally healthy person, and see what happens. I've probably said this before, but I have tremendous empathy for anyone and everyone who finds themselves reading and posting here. I wouldn't wish this pain and loneliness on my worst enemy.
This is all so hard to type out, hard to process, and hard to absorb. I feel more lost than ever. Maybe next week I'll feel like I'm back on the right track. Right now I'm just a sad, lonely man trying to hold it together 45,000 feet above the Atlantic.
Hang in there Steve. This is a very tough time for anyone who is here. The feeling of being alone and blaming oneself can be just very tough to deal with. I know it was and is for me. Balancing GAL with good self care and rest can be tough too! It’s exhausting. Finding a good balance is key.
I’ve found that through this whole situation for the past 9 months, when I’ve felt my lowest someone or something has done something or said something that made me take notice and see myself moping and feeling sorry for myself. I think it has to do with living in the moment. When I start thinking about the past or the future I get upset and feel down. When I focus on the here and now, I tend to do better.
I was feeling down the other day...then I read a post by another poster that had been almost fully through his D, was dating, and now his w wants to reconcile and give it another shot. It motivated me to stay the course and do what is best for me and for my kids. The future is out of my control but certainly not outside of my influence.
Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Those go together like peas and carrots.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
SteveS - sorry to keep this short but I’m on travel.
I have the FOA (fear of abandonment) and the tendency to beat myself up also.
It helps me to think of the things I would like to see my W change. Not that I expect her to change, but it helps me realize she has her own baggage too. We are all just people carting around baggage. Also I think it is a good step to healing NGS - take her off the pedestal and view things from a balanced point of view.
Honestly... name the top 3 things that you would like her to change if you agree to reconcile. You should notice a little power shift just by thinking this way, you get your self respect back a little bit.
Hey Steve sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling great. I am similar in that I will be doing very well not thinking of W and feeling pretty detached, and then some small interaction or new information about her will cause me to have a sad day. Just remember that it will get better in time.
LH told me a great quote today: Someday this will all be a distant memory. It hurts now, probably one of the tougher things we all have been through. But in a few years time, with or without her, we will feel far less emotional about these tough days.
I always try to go crazy with GAL on days I’m feeling down. Doesn’t help if you’re just sitting around thinking about the sitch ya know?
When I start thinking about the past or the future I get upset and feel down. When I focus on the here and now, I tend to do better.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. This part is so true. I have read that flying makes people more emotional in general, but I remember what really triggered this was the fact that right after BD, I had to travel to the same place I'm going, and it really brought me back to that awful moment.
I also was thinking on the flight in that the life I'm living - lots of travel, lots of work, professional success - I don't know if it's really what I want anymore. I'm not driven by it the same way I used to be. I'm sure it's a byproduct of the S, but the it's sad that I don't have anyone staying up worrying that I got in safe, or someone I can tell how much I love them right before we take off. I never expressed to my WAW how important that was to me and how much it made me feel loved.
SteveS - sorry to keep this short but I’m on travel.
I have the FOA (fear of abandonment) and the tendency to beat myself up also.
It helps me to think of the things I would like to see my W change. Not that I expect her to change, but it helps me realize she has her own baggage too. We are all just people carting around baggage. Also I think it is a good step to healing NGS - take her off the pedestal and view things from a balanced point of view.
Honestly... name the top 3 things that you would like her to change if you agree to reconcile. You should notice a little power shift just by thinking this way, you get your self respect back a little bit.
Hope that helps... I go through the cycles too.
That's great advice. I'd want her to work on understanding my love language (physical touch), for us both to be more openly communicative, and continue to work on managing her anxiety such that it doesn't manifest itself in controlling behavior.
She's not perfect, and I have to remind myself of that. Our situation is 50/50, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
