Midlife wife crisis9

[Wolfman]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2859713&#Post2859713

Here is the previous thread.

[Wolfman]

Another rough day. My w was just spitting fire. All because I went to the house to pick up my d and my d gave me a hard time as always that she doesn’t want to go with me. So of course w takes out on me that it’s my fault that we should have left right away. I asked my w a couple of days before if it was ok for me to bring some stuff over to make breakfast. She said it was fine. Now because my d doesn’t want to leave right away I get blamed. My d was saying she didn’t feel good but every time she has to go with me it’s the same excuse. W said it’s not fair that she is a prisoner in the house. I said I understand how you could feel that way it must be frustrating. She gets so mad when I validate. She goes oh I know you know. She said it must be nice you can come and go as you please. But I am stuck here all the time. I’m saying to all of you. I don’t know how she could say that. No one and I mean no one goes out more than my w. She is literally only in the house to sleep. Again I said I can see how that can be frustrating. Then she says, you say your goI guess to change and nothing has changed. I asked can you tell me what hasn’t changed. She said the communication. You were suppose to feed them then go. I said I am sorry that it is not working out like it was suppose to. I went back into my d room at that point and said to her I’m leaving with brother and I will be back in an hour when I get home you need to be ready or we are going to have a bad day. Then I left with s. Oh wait as I was leaving she said you guys like to torture me it’s not fair how all of you treat me. I really wanted to laugh out loud. Then I left. Man I have never seen someone so angry at life like her!!! She is just a miserable human being. Oh and I kept thing of all of you about validating. A couple of times I was going to lose my cool and I thought about all of you. Thank you. I hope that was better.

[LH19]

W,

I would suggest you stop have any contact with your W that is unnecessary. Pick up the kids and be gone. Also, it may be time to push along the D so you can get your own place.

Lastly what are your boundaries? The more you allow your W to treat you like $hit in front of your daughter the more your D will lose respect from you.

[Wolfman]

W,

I would suggest you stop have any contact with your W that is unnecessary. Pick up the kids and be gone. Also, it may be time to push along the D so you can get your own place.

She started the refinance process so I can buy my own place. It looks like September is when it should be done. I need my own place I don’t want to talk to her or be around her anymore. She is nothing but negativity and misery!! I am done with her. It hurts a lot though to be with someone for almost 20 years and watch her flush it down the toilet. I miss having someone that cares for me the way I care for them. I know it will come in time but for now it still stings. And it’s not so much her it’s just missing that bond with someone.

I was at a bbq today and just watching a lot of the couples interact bothers me/ hurts. Like I said I just miss that interaction.

LH how could I have set up a boundary? I sometimes feel so lost when to validate and to basically walk away.. thanks

[LH19]

W,

First off don't validate $hitty behavior. Remember that everything right now is about respect so your boundaries should be around high she treats you.

As for the other couples just remember that many of them aren't happy in their marriages and are looking and envying you.

[Wolfman]

W,
First off don't validate $hitty behavior. Remember that everything right now is about respect so your boundaries should be around high she treats you.

I guess this where I get confused. When do I validate and when do I set boundaries? I must be really mixing this up. I thought her feelings are her feelings and I should validate them. Obviously after a little while if she gets hostile verbally that I should say I am done with this conversation and walk away.

At this point it really doesn’t matter what I do it won’t change anything. I just have to get my respect back at this point. But when I feel like I am doing that everyone tells me I am arguing. So basically just walking away in a nice way is setting boundaries and getting my respect back?

[LH19]

If she’s being a biotch and talking down to you it is not to be tolerated. Once you get your own place things will start to get better.

[Ready2Change]

Feelings are different than beliefs. Feelings are angry, sad, happy....

Google Images:
Emotions and Feelings Charts | Three to five for Twenty-Four


W:"I went for a walk in the park today"
H:"I bet that was peaceful"


W:"We always did what you wanted"
H:" Bla bla bla frustrating bla bla"

[Ready2Change]

W:"You are a <censored>"
H:"I understand you feel that way. "

or

W:"You are a <censored>"
H:"I am done with this conversation until you decide to be more respectful"
W:"Bla bla bla bla bla <censored.> bla bla ...."
H:Quietely walks away


or

W:"You are a <censored>"
H"When you resort to name calling, I feel.....If you....I will....if it continues, I will......"



Having conversations with my kids, I had to state this frequently:

"Hate the behavior and not the person"
"Describe the behavior and how you feel"

BAD:

"I hate you"
"You are a blank blank"


Better:

"I am frustrated because you left the sink full of dirty dishes"

[Wolfman]

LH I have a question for you. Are you still married? Just wondering how you did it. I read some of your situation when you first came on here. I can’t belive you hung on for 2.5 years. Now that is strength!!!