Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (8)

[Ready2Change]

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Definitely make it her choice. You could say something like "I've thought about this and looking back I feel like I coerced you into moving out rather than letting you decide if it was what you wanted. I just wanted you to know that if you decide you want to move back in at some point then I am open to discussing that when the time comes." In other words, don't just roll out the red carpet, but let her know you're open to it and that it's her decision one way or the other.

[Ready2Change]

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Also remember, the truest and most helpful words I have ever seen on here are these:

"You will never look more attractive to her than when you are walking away"

[Ready2Change]

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I've moved to being cordial and pleasant but I'm not communicating anything more than logistics...

At a higher level, I'm not proactively informing her of D3's activities (e.g. if she wants to know that D3 had a bath last night she can ask me, I'm not telling her). I do inform her when I will be taking D3 out of town but it's this: "FYI, I'm taking D3 to [hometown] this weekend, she'll be there Fri-Mon". I'm not even acknowledging TMs from her that I don't need to (FYIs, etc.).

All that to say that you should make this as easy on yourself as possible - if in doubt, don't communicate it out. Unless it's something your W needs to know for logistics then don't send it. Keep all messages brief. Don't tack on any personal stuff. Don't even put in small talk ("House is locked up. Crazy weather, huh?"). If you want to communicate with someone, do it with other friends, coworkers, or at your new hobby (you're getting those, right?).

[Ready2Change]

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I think it is important that you make sure they understand two things:

1. That you are willing to walk away and end things. As quoted earlier in my thread (s), "they will never find you more attractive than when you're walking away". So true.

2. That they understand that you do love them, that you'd prefer to stay with them, but not unless there are changes and work done in their end.

[DS9]

R2c just wanted to thank you for the time and effort in collating this thread. It’s been invaluable for me.

[Ready2Change]

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I really want her to know I still don't want this. Is there anything I can say or do? I know everyone always says don’t talk about the relationship but I want her to know I still don’t want this!!! Even if she knows I don’t want it I feel she needs to still hear it from me

She knows. She doesn't care. LISTEN TO ME. SHE DOESN'T CARE SHE DOESN'T CARE. SHE DOESN'T CARE!!! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS. She wouldn't have given all of her actions and all of this thought and planning to go through with this if she wasn't emotionally prepared to. She thinks the grass is greener. She might be wrong or right. Only time will tell. Let her live with her choices if she no longer values you. Your self respect and dignity comes first in your life. Before your XW, before your family, before your children, all of it.

LET HER GO! DISMISS HER. FOCUS IN YOUR OWN PRIORITIES, TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!


I'm starting to realize this whole thing from dating to marriage it's all an attraction game and people always want someone that's more valuable then themselves or so they're perceived to be. There will be a mix of delusion and reality in their minds from both sides. But your self worth come first before anybody's.

You two are either working for each other or not at all, there really is no halfway, and when someone has one or both feet out the door you let them go.

[Ready2Change]

R2c just wanted to thank you for the time and effort in collating this thread. It’s been invaluable for me.

My pleasure. So many wise people giving great advise.

[Ready2Change]

I really want her to know I still don't want this. Is there anything I can say or do? I know everyone always says don’t talk about the relationship but I want her to know I still don’t want this!!! Even if she knows I don’t want it I feel she needs to still hear it from me.

Here's the problem. She's done for now, so if you say anything she's just going to BD you all over again. But her feelings may change in a week or a month or a year, so you'll ALWAYS wonder if you should say something AGAIN, just in case her feelings have changed. But you don't need to say something, because if and when her feelings do change, SHE will seek YOU out. She's not going to change her mind and then sit at home saying "I wish wolf would ask again, because now I'm ready to reconcile." No, if she wants it she will make it quite clear to you.

At the end of the day you're probably going to say something anyway, because you can't stand not to. But you've got to have zero expectations, because it's not going to change anything. Paradoxically if you had zero expectations then you wouldn't need to ask. So don't ask, but if you ask have zero expectations, but if you have zero expectations then you won't need to ask.

[Ready2Change]

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I want you to accept a large truth in life- you don't know what she's thinking. Don't pretend you do, don't think you do, don't act like you do. If you want to know what someone is thinking then ASK THEM. That's what listening and validating is all about. Don't ever make assumptions, because I promise, you'll be wrong every time. ESPECIALLY if it's a woman you're making assumptions about.

And if you do ask while DBing, make sure you can emotionally handle what they tell you. Do not argue. You listen to understand.

[IHCLACS]

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I want you to accept a large truth in life- you don't know what she's thinking. Don't pretend you do, don't think you do, don't act like you do. If you want to know what someone is thinking then ASK THEM. That's what listening and validating is all about. Don't ever make assumptions, because I promise, you'll be wrong every time. ESPECIALLY if it's a woman you're making assumptions about.

And if you do ask while DBing, make sure you can emotionally handle what they tell you. Do not argue. You listen to understand.

^^^^ That is great advice. Despite everyone from there own experiences giving advice here, its just too bad that a lot of us here have to go through great losses, sometimes incremental tortue, day by day it feels like something else we had with this person we shared a life with gets taken away. Love, conversation, communication, homes, families, belongings, trust, honor, empathy, etc. It takes all this great loss to really learn how to listen, how to validate neutrally as if your own emotions were not at stake or involved. Kind of like if you were a good bartender or a friend. But once you get to that place, at least in my experience, once you are somewhat detached, you pull the pin on the F@$! IT grenade, and start living for you, start taking stock in yourself, start realizing your worth, your self respect yourself, and start rebuilding and focusing on yourself. You stop caring so much about your partner and your marriage, and realize you are going to be ok, Your life has a new chapter to write. That you can be happy for yourself again. Because you got yourself back. A new chance and a new opportunity to right the wrongs for yourself in your life, with new choices ahead.