Wolf, first I think you did a very good job validating, when your W spews and you just validate then it makes you look like the calm and collected one and her the loose cannon. So well done.
Second I 100% agree with the others that you need to forget about hanging out at the house with W. This is where 99% of your problems seem to happen, you're just hanging around there finding excuses to stay "for your kids" (I suspect you are making excuses to be around W). Spend your kid time AWAY from W. When you pick them up then get in and get out.
Regarding your D's behavior, she's doing that because you're pandering to her. If you just pick her up and leave then eventually she'll quit doing it. This is the exact same behavior pattern as when you start taking a kid to daycare. They cry and cry and hold their little hands out to you like they are the most pathetic thing ever. OF course you want to run over and give them one last hug and kiss, and maybe one more and one more after that... but what do the daycare teachers tell you to do in response? LEAVE. Because you know what happens? As soon as you're gone they're walking around playing and doing stuff and enjoying themselves. So you take them, you drop them off, and as they're crying and putting on a show you ignore it and leave. After a week or two they quit doing it because they decide it's not worth their effort if they're not getting a reaction. It's just a life lesson for them, they're learning what they can and can't get away with. Once they adapt then everything goes smoother.
So go pick up your kids and leave. In and out. Interact with W as little as possible. Treat her like you would a business associate. If D throws a fit just quietly whisk her out to the car. Don't yell at her or anything, just don't react to the tantrum.
W, Who gives a flying fuch if she gets resentful towards you. Stop trying to please her. I’ve asked you several times if you read NMMNG. You never respond. That book is DB 101 especially written for you. Everything you do is for her love and approval and when she doesn’t give it to you then you double down harder. She treats you like $hit and then you try even harder. Then you come to the board and state that you can’t believe she’s doing this after all you do for her. Rinse recycle repeat. Your acts are not genuine you want something in return. That’s selfish. Dating right now while your married is selfish. Abandoning your kids because you couldn’t deal with your W is selfish. Expecting her to stay in an unhappy marriage is selfish. I’m sorry for being harsh but you just don’t get it. There are no short cuts. You have to do the work. Stat by reading NMMNG!
I am a bit confused with your comments. When I try and do things for her I am being too nice and a doormat basically. But when I do things for myself then I am being selfish. So which is it? My IC suggested I not stay in the home because it was not a good environment for my kids. Looking back I wish I did stay. And say forget her. You know there were many things I did In This relationship that was not selfish: cleaning the house, taking kids to activities, food shopping, taking care of all the bills, taking care of the dogs, picking up second job, cooking half the to E, taking care of the pool, when her or the kids hinted that they wanted something I would surprise them for either a birthday gift or Christmas gift. So me GAL is dating I don’t see what’s wrong with it? At this point we are only married on paper. Also, I don’t want her back into an unhappy marriage. I want her back in a new and improved marriage where everyone is happy. If wanting a new marriage where everyone is happy then I am selfish there too.
Originally Posted by LH19
How old are your kids that they need someone to get them ready?
It’s an on going battle. We don’t actually help them get dressed but have to remind them over and over again about getting married. My w and I have different opinions on discipline. She is more laxed and never sticks to the punishment. If it was my way I would say it once and after that there would be consequences, when we were married she said I was being too harsh and now look. My d is 12 and s is 9.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
AS and Sandi you are both right. I will just pick up the kids for now on. I won’t hang around the house. You are right AS most of my problems come when I am around her.
LH you are right I won’t care what she thinks about her getting the kids ready for me. Oh well if she gets mad.
Man this is no way to live. Honestly I just feel like a zombie going through the motions of life. Also I did not read NMMNG. I will pick that book up and read it. I have always been a confrontation avoider. Something I need to work on. Although my w would always say I always stand up to her and not anyone else.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I’m going to try one more time and until you read the book you will not understand. When you do things for people expecting something in return that’s being selfish.
Yes doing things for people who treat you like $hit is being a doormat. Not sure why you can’t understand it.
W, I’m going to try one more time and until you read the book you will not understand. When you do things for people expecting something in return that’s being selfish.
Yes doing things for people who treat you like $hit is being a doormat. Not sure why you can’t understand it.
12-9 are old enough to get themselves ready.
I am looking to buy the book. Reading reviews and I need this book.
Let me give you all an example of how my w is and I stood up to her. The days I have the kids are Monday, Wednesday and Friday. (This is for now until I get my own place). So Sunday she asked me if we could switch Friday and Saturday. That she made plans with the kids in the morning and it’s her parent’s anniversary. I said I’m sorry I can’t I already made plans with me and the kids. She says this: So when you ask me to switch it’s fine but when I ask... no? See how it’s always on your terms? You can literally come and go as you please... yet on the nights I don’t have the kids I either have to come home early or get a sitter? And now you can’t answer my call?
I told her I am sorry but Friday is my day and I already made plans. My buddy ( I said his name)from South Carolina was coming up and we made plans 2 weeks ago and that is the only day I would be able to see him and his family. This friend of mine is also my son’s godfather. I said, I can’t answer the phone right now I am busy. So in spite she told my kids that she was not going to have them Friday and they were not going to see their friends either that they will be with me all day. So of course my d is upset with that. But I was able to get my d to understand and she wasn’t happy with it but ok with it. But I know my d once we hang out with my friends (they have 3 kids) she will be fine. Just trying to show mom how much she loves being with her.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I don't know enough about your IC to second this, but what I do second is NOT settling for IC just because you've gotten comfortable with them. ICs are like anything else in life. There are good ones, bad ones, and in-between ones. There are good ones that eventually the time comes to move on from them, even though they were good. ICs shouldn't be any different than anyone or anything else in life, shop around!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sandi since you have been down this road, were you like that? What do I say or do when I will always be wrong. And I feel she just gets more resentful with everything I do. Like I have other motives.
My sitch was a little different, b/c my kids were grown and we did not physically separate. I had a lot of resentment toward my H, but I did not act like your wife. Women know, just like kids know, how far to push.
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Your acts are not genuine you want something in return. That’s selfish. Dating right now while your married is selfish. Abandoning your kids because you couldn’t deal with your W is selfish. Expecting her to stay in an unhappy marriage is selfish. I’m sorry for being harsh but you just don’t get it. There are no short cuts. You have to do the work. Stat by reading NMMNG!
I am a bit confused with your comments. When I try and do things for her I am being too nice and a doormat basically. But when I do things for myself then I am being selfish. So which is it? My IC suggested I not stay in the home because it was not a good environment for my kids. Looking back I wish I did stay. And say forget her. You know there were many things I did In This relationship that was not selfish: cleaning the house, taking kids to activities, food shopping, taking care of all the bills, taking care of the dogs, picking up second job, cooking half the to
I can only imagine how you feel as if you can't do anything right with your W........or us. Please get NMMNG and read it cover to cover, and I think it help you understand a lot better what the board is saying. You don't have to spend time reading NMMNG reviews, b/c we rate it highly and have been encouraging you to get it. It won't take long to read it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Telling your W you have plans is not standing up to her. Sorry I can’t help you I have plans. If she respected you she would say “ok. Thanks anyway”.
Either way who gives a f if she spews bs at you. Off a ducks back as Steve would say. After several times of you not caving in and not reacting she’ll stop.
I don't know enough about your IC to second this, but what I do second is NOT settling for IC just because you've gotten comfortable with them. ICs are like anything else in life. There are good ones, bad ones, and in-between ones. There are good ones that eventually the time comes to move on from them, even though they were good. ICs shouldn't be any different than anyone or anything else in life, shop around!
I get what you both are saying, how do I know when one is good and one is bad?
Sandi that does not make me feel any better, it sounds like my w was way worse than you. It is what it is. I have to move forward.
Quick question, tomorrow is our 15 year anniversary. Say nothing and do nothing, correct? It saddens me that I know tomorrow will mean nothing to her. I always tried to go above and beyond on our anniversary. Planning trips, massages, expensive dinners. To think 15 years ago I should have run the other way!! I remember my dad saying, you sure you want to do this? Anyway, advice on what I do tomorrow? Am I right say and do nothing?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
It won't take long to read it.