Midlife wife crisis9

[LH19]

W,

Ok this may sting a little bit but you don’t seem to get it. Throw out all the bs you see on tv and movies what you think a woman wants and what they really want are two completely different things. You became the woman in the relationship and she became the man. You doing all the house work. Not attractive. You allowing her to talk down to her. Not attractive. You not being the leader of the family. Not attractive.

Respect equals attraction. Say it 50 times in your head.

I have a friend who works full time and his w stays at home with one 15 year old daughter. He also does all the cooking and cleaning. He often says his wife is the boss. He has sex twice a year on his birthday and Father’s Day. That’s his reward for being an obedient husband. He’s miserable but is afraid to D.

[AnotherStander]

My wife loved when I got her gifts.

Did she though? You seem to think you know what she loved and wanted, yet here you are. Look I was there too, in shock that this happened to me because I thought I was doing all the right things. But there were things I WASN'T doing right, and in her eyes they did not make up for the things I was doing right.

She would brag to her friends what I got her.

So did my XW. Doesn't mean she felt LOVED. My XW always appreciated the gifts and made a big deal out of getting them and showing them off. But that doesn't make up for the lack of effort I put into her MAIN love language. Here's the deal- guys put a lot of emphasis on material things. They see value in others based on the stuff they have. They show their value to others through the stuff they have. Most women do not operate that way. They don't put a lot of value on material possessions. Sure they appreciate them and it's better to have them than not, but that isn't how they feel LOVED. Do you understand the difference? I'm telling you that your W didn't value that stuff from a LOVE standpoint, and you are trying to argue that surely she did because she liked gifts and showed appreciation for them. NO, that DOESN'T mean she felt loved.

She said we would never be able to afford a Lexus, I got one for her birthday and she was estatic. She said we will never affords to go to beaches, I surprised her for our anniversary 2 years ago. A Louis Vuitton bag just because I sold 2 homes over a million dollars and made a lot of money so I treated her. I can keep going on. But it was never enough I guess.

She showed appreciation outwardly, but she may very well have been developing resentment inside. She said you can't afford XYZ so you went out and bought it. Honestly I'm surprised she didn't read you the riot act, it's what my XW would have done. She would have explained (rightfully so) that the money should be spent on important things such as college funds for the kids rather than frivolous feel-good items.

Your arguments are pretty common- "how could my wife leave me???? I gave her a nice home, I have a steady income, we always had nice cars, I bought her nice gifts, we had great vacations" etc. etc. So many guys come here saying that. I think I did too. But that's not how women measure happiness. We're trying to project our ideas of happiness onto them, while ignoring their REAL needs.

[TBSakaJ9]

To add to what L said......did you ever tell her "no"? Put her in her place? Stand up to her? At some point in time she stopped viewing you as "the man". That dove tails into the bed room as well. I won't go into details but most women want to be handled a certain way in that regard as well. They want to be submissive to their man and please him. It's not about being submissive to her and pleasing her.

There are quite a few really good reads out there than can hopefully you gain a better understanding.

[Max2k10]

Please post those reads! My situation had me doing a 180 into doing housework...need to figure out how to incorporate that with what I’m reading in this thread.

[Wolfman]

W,

Ok this may sting a little bit but you don’t seem to get it. Throw out all the bs you see on tv and movies what you think a woman wants and what they really want are two completely different things. You became the woman in the relationship and she became the man. You doing all the house work. Not attractive. You allowing her to talk down to her. Not attractive. You not being the leader of the family. Not attractive.

Respect equals attraction. Say it 50 times in your head.

Thank you for the 2 x 4. At first I was definitely the man in the relationship. But when I did things for myself she started to say things like I was selfish. I didn’t care about anyone but myself, so I gave up my sports and didnt go to the gym till 8:30. I am definitely going to get my man card. That validation stuff is great but I feel it’s making me weak. LH keep it coming please I am learning a lot. Man was I blind.

Thank you everyone else for chiming in too. I really appreciate the advice.

Man she tried to really set me up today and trying to control me but I am done with that. My IC said yesterday my w is acting like a spoiled teenage brat and to treat her like one. If she throws a tantrum will I give in to it? Nope!!! I will
Not let her words bother me, control me or manipulate me anymore. She really tried today. I have to run but I need to share what she did today. Not falling for this $hit anymore. Her words have no more power over me.

AS you are so right, no more material things. Just me and that’s it.

To add to what L said......did you ever tell her "no"? Put her in her place? Stand up to her? At some point in time she stopped viewing you as "the man". That dove tails into the bed room as well. I won't go into details but most women want to be handled a certain way in that regard as well. They want to be submissive to their man and please him. It's not about being submissive to her and pleasing her.

I use to stand up to her all the time. I just got tired of fighting and started to back down. That was a mistake. I know that now.

[TBSakaJ9]

Most of us learned the hard way and TBH knowing what I know now their were red flags all around my Xw that I ignored before we got married.

Good women will make it easy on their man. Those women have a high self esteem and will let you lead the way, make mistakes and grow. They are submissive, and won’t be full of drama. They won’t fight you, or argue with you. They will also let you know when your failing and give you an opportunity to course correct.

They won’t pull the BS that most of us dealt with. You won’t be blindsided and if they D you, you will know it is coming because they will want to work at before it gets to the point.

If I ever get married again what I mentioned above is probably at the top of my list. Obviously I have to be attracted but in 20 years when I am 66 looks won’t be as important.

Dam L will be 70!

[Wolfman]

Here’s what happened yesterday. So I text my d to be ready at 12 that I was picking them up and leaving. I text my w how did the session go with my d’s IC? So she calls me and says are you coming soon to pick up the kids, I said yes have them ready for me when I get there I just want to go. She said can you come in for a minute want to talk to you about your d’s IC, I said can’t you tell me over the phone she said I will tell you when you get here. That was my first mistake I should have said I don’t have time. As soon as I walk in I notice that there is dog puke in the dining room. I said kids I am here get your stuff ready we are leaving in 1 minute. My w was in the kitchen and I walked in I said
M: hi and what did the therapist say?
W: the therapist said that she is doing better.
M:what else?
W:that was basically it. Oh and did you see the dog puked in the dining room? I said
M:I saw, she is puking again?
W: yep and of course I am left to clean it because no one around here cleans it for me.
Just for all the readers I always took care of the husky’s mess the shitzu the kids did. Once I left my w had to take of huskys mess and I would hear about it all the time. My husky is 16 years old they never live that long so unfortunately now on a rare occasion she makes in the house of pukes, certain foods are hard for her to digest now.
M: I know it’s so frustrating the kids don’t just clean that stuff up.
So my kids came over to me and said are we leaving yet. I said yeah.
W: isn’t SOMEONE going to clean up the mess before you leave?
My son said fine I will clean it up. I said to my d you should help him.
W: you can’t have the kids clean it up, I will do it. She said that with attitude.
W: this is ridiculous I have to do everything around here.
My son helped her clean it up. Once they were done.
W: this is no way to live, bye. And she stormed out.
If that wasn’t a set up for me to clean up the puke I don’t know what was. I’m sorry there was not much to validate and I was not coming over just to clean up puke for her. Before these conversations I would have ran to do that. Nope. Don’t try to trick me into coming in the house then for me to clean it for you. Sorry. I’m picking myself up off the floor and no longer being her doormat. My gut was saying just have the conversation over the phone about d’s IC. Now I know.

LH that will be my motto: Respect = attraction.

[LH19]

Great job!

[LH19]

Now be aware that it will take months more like years for these consistent actions for you to see progress. Don’t come back in a couple weeks and say this isn’t working.

[SteveLW]

Here’s what happened yesterday. So I text my d to be ready at 12 that I was picking them up and leaving. I text my w how did the session go with my d’s IC? So she calls me and says are you coming soon to pick up the kids, I said yes have them ready for me when I get there I just want to go. She said can you come in for a minute want to talk to you about your d’s IC, I said can’t you tell me over the phone she said I will tell you when you get here. That was my first mistake I should have said I don’t have time. As soon as I walk in I notice that there is dog puke in the dining room. I said kids I am here get your stuff ready we are leaving in 1 minute. My w was in the kitchen and I walked in I said
M: hi and what did the therapist say?
W: the therapist said that she is doing better.
M:what else?
W:that was basically it. Oh and did you see the dog puked in the dining room? I said
M:I saw, she is puking again?
W: yep and of course I am left to clean it because no one around here cleans it for me.
Just for all the readers I always took care of the husky’s mess the shitzu the kids did. Once I left my w had to take of huskys mess and I would hear about it all the time. My husky is 16 years old they never live that long so unfortunately now on a rare occasion she makes in the house of pukes, certain foods are hard for her to digest now.
M: I know it’s so frustrating the kids don’t just clean that stuff up.
So my kids came over to me and said are we leaving yet. I said yeah.
W: isn’t SOMEONE going to clean up the mess before you leave?
My son said fine I will clean it up. I said to my d you should help him.
W: you can’t have the kids clean it up, I will do it. She said that with attitude.
W: this is ridiculous I have to do everything around here.
My son helped her clean it up. Once they were done.
W: this is no way to live, bye. And she stormed out.
If that wasn’t a set up for me to clean up the puke I don’t know what was. I’m sorry there was not much to validate and I was not coming over just to clean up puke for her. Before these conversations I would have ran to do that. Nope. Don’t try to trick me into coming in the house then for me to clean it for you. Sorry. I’m picking myself up off the floor and no longer being her doormat. My gut was saying just have the conversation over the phone about d’s IC. Now I know.

LH that will be my motto: Respect = attraction.

Puke happens. And now that she's made her bed she has to clean it up! Good job Wolf. Also, when she said "I'll do it" I would have said to S and D, "come on, let's go!" Do not let her crazy hold you up.