Moving Forward

[Jac12]

Steve - this comment hit home with me: jac, here is the thing. WASs/WSs do not like to give up on the "dream" they had. They will not let it go easily. ESPECIALLY VERBALLY.

She has said many things and then acted differently in the days after. I follow you.

[Jac12]

My wife received the S agreement proposal today. She texted me after she received it with some questions and she seemed pretty ok with everything...not necessarily what was in it as we didn't really discuss it but she just seemed ok with this part of the process.

Any thoughts on this?

I'm going to detach hard and not let her affect my emotional state. The goal is that in a few months or so from now I'll either be ready to move on by myself or maybe she decides she wants to try and work things out. Hopefully I didn't do too much damage over the past few weeks but I need to protect myself and my son.

[unchien]

My wife received the S agreement proposal today. She texted me after she received it with some questions and she seemed pretty ok with everything...not necessarily what was in it as we didn't really discuss it but she just seemed ok with this part of the process.

Any thoughts on this?

My thought is you should completely ignore her reaction.

You could have said "She texted me after saying she was going to elope with another woman" or "She texted me after saying she wanted to come over and jump into my arms and fix everything" and I would tell you the same thing. Ignore it.

People have reconciled 20 years after D. During these situations, we all hit major milestones from time to time. Bomb drop. Legal filing. Evidence of EA/PA. My opinion is that these are all gut punches, and also they should ideally have zero impact to what you are doing. This has to feel like a big step, I know.

I'm going to detach hard and not let her affect my emotional state. The goal is that in a few months or so from now I'll either be ready to move on by myself or maybe she decides she wants to try and work things out. Hopefully I didn't do too much damage over the past few weeks but I need to protect myself and my son.

Minor quibble - take the timeline out of it. Just keep working on yourself. I am guilty of setting timelines in my head and generally it just adds to frustration. I suggest you focus on yourself, thinking in your head that at some future point in time you may be ready to move on.

[Jac12]

Unchien,

Thanks for the response. Intuitively I know I should ignore her reactions...hard to do right now but I am working on it.

I'm going to focus on my business and build that back up to where it was before I had to change everything so I could look after my son. Mission now is to go on and be strong - be a great dad for my boy.

I hope you're finding great advice in your situation too...we both suffer from NGS and I'll be trying to fix that too.

[Family Man]

"I do believe that deep down she knows something isn't right with her but until she's ready to do some work on her end there is nothing I can do."

jac12 - there is always something you can do. I obsess about my ex all the time and it doesn't matter what I want her to do, I cannot force it. All I can change is me. I have acted in a number of ways recently that I would not have considered before. I don't recognise myself - I've changed. No success yet with her but I know she has noticed. Think outside your box and increase your chances. You may get it wrong or right but she will notice and she may choose the path you want. If she communicates surprise at your behaviour you open new avenues and you can always modify it. Good luck.

[Jac12]

I hear you Family Man. I'm on it.

[Sunset3]

That is all incredibly rough with a 2.5 yo. I've got two small kids at home, and the idea of someone breaking up a young family without even trying to fix it is so hard to accept! I also understand that it is harder to be in limbo when you have a toddler. Waiting around for someone to make up their mind is brutal when you have to figure out childcare, and watching a toddler doesn't leave much room at all for GAL.

As long as you get the S agreement in place, I wouldn't push for a D. But ask for everything you want! This is legal, not emotional. Don't worry about upsetting her. Ask for as much money as you can get - you can always decrease it in the future. Some of the things I'll go after in my D will likely destroy any chance of R (not a big loss at this point), but my priority has to be taking care of myself and my kids for the future.

[Jac12]

Thanks Sunset3, that's the plan moving forward.

I've started to ask myself if losing someone who is willing to walk away from their family such a bad thing?

[Family Man]

Thanks Sunset3, that's the plan moving forward.

I've started to ask myself if losing someone who is willing to walk away from their family such a bad thing?

jac12 this is defeatist talk and damages your cause. I know it's hard but if you treat this like a game of chess and try to enjoy trying new tactics that will surprise her that is your best hope of influencing her. Keep playing the same old game and she will only see the same old problems that got you here. Change the perspective. What more have you got to lose?

[Jac12]

Yes, we will get the S agreement done and as you said I'm going to work on myself, try some new things that I've wanted to do and we will see what happens from here. I'm confident I can lovingly detach - and if she chooses to D, then I'll be in a better place mentally to handle that once I'm detached.

Plan is to golf, see friends, and find a cooking class to go to when she's with our son. I'd also like to start kayaking.

Today was her day with our son. She came at 7:30am and brought coffee for me. I thanked her, we had small chit chat and then I said I had to shower and get going. The chit chat was mostly me validating her challenges at work and a bit about our son.