When I start thinking about the past or the future I get upset and feel down. When I focus on the here and now, I tend to do better.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. This part is so true. I have read that flying makes people more emotional in general, but I remember what really triggered this was the fact that right after BD, I had to travel to the same place I'm going, and it really brought me back to that awful moment.
I also was thinking on the flight in that the life I'm living - lots of travel, lots of work, professional success - I don't know if it's really what I want anymore. I'm not driven by it the same way I used to be. I'm sure it's a byproduct of the S, but the it's sad that I don't have anyone staying up worrying that I got in safe, or someone I can tell how much I love them right before we take off. I never expressed to my WAW how important that was to me and how much it made me feel loved.
Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I try to remember that I've been through breakups before, and in each one I felt as if I'd never find someone again, that I wouldn't get back anything close to what I had. And then I did. Of course, I was never married before, nor have I met someone who I loved as much as WAW, but I digress..
But I do recognize that time heals all wounds, and that my feelings are cyclical. I need to be mindful of the triggers: seeing a restaurant we used to go to, remembering things we did together, that sort of thing.
I can see you were having a rough time the last couple days, sorry to hear that.
Originally Posted by SteveS
there hasn't really been anything close to a clean break.
This bothers me too. It is probably part of the reason why you have the emotional swings. At some point you'll get tired of being her finance educator, political passion project advisor, and this guy she is so attracted to but can't see outside of MC.
I certainly understand why going to that place physically brought back memories. In time you may totally forget about it.
Originally Posted by SteveS
I also was thinking on the flight in that the life I'm living - lots of travel, lots of work, professional success - I don't know if it's really what I want anymore.
I certainly understand that. I would not take a job with that much travel. And if I did it would have to be the type of money that would blow me away, and even then, I would know that I wouldn't do it forever. To me, it's important to have good food, family/friend time, and fun experiences. I need plenty of income and success to live a certain lifestyle too. You can balance it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This bothers me too. It is probably part of the reason why you have the emotional swings. At some point you'll get tired of being her finance educator, political passion project advisor, and this guy she is so attracted to but can't see outside of MC.
I was talking to my friend about it, and he pointed out that a lot of the things I'm doing, I'm doing it out of a place of fear. I'm afraid that if I don't see her regularly - even if she is the one initiating - I will be out of sight, out of mind. I'm afraid that if we don't reconcile, I won't find another relationship that means as much to me.
I'm trying to my best to meditate and keep thinking rationally, but it's hard when the flood waters are raging. I'm glad that I can post here and at least talk through things, and for my friends who have been wonderful in listening. Tonight I'm going to go for a long walk and re-read some of the highlighted sections of NMMNG that I earmarked.
My favorite fear quote: “F@&$ you fear. It doesn’t exist. You made it up.”
I have 3 kids and I’m on the wrong side of 40 now. I’m pretty sure I can find someone great for me if it comes down to that. I didn’t feel that way until maybe a month ago. You will feel that way eventually too. It might seem crazy now but you will.
SteveS - Travel can be really rough. I had 4 trips during pre-BD limbo and they wore me down. So much alone time, time to ruminate, obsess, read, worry, etc.
I am on a mission to achieve clarity lately. I'm tired of the spinning thoughts. Meditation helps.
Example: NMMNG. I've gone over and over that book and for me at this point it comes down to one simple lesson:
It's okay to have needs.
Now that I'm starting to believe it, things fall into place. Setting boundaries comes more naturally. That pedestal my W was atop has toppled (mostly...) I don't feel guilty for asserting a need, even if it causes conflict. I don't try to meet my needs in sneaky, people-pleasing ways.
Just encouraging you to strive for that clarity and simplicity.
Just got off the phone with WAW. She texted me earlier today that she wanted to get my opinion on a job offer she received. She's been interviewing with a few companies, after having been working on her own as a consultant for about a year. I'm happy to do it, partially because our finances are still intertwined and I want her to make the best decision, and partially (being honest here) because I'm glad that she still seeks my advice and recognizes that I deeply understand her and can help her work through problems effectively.
She was her typically cordial self: asked how my trip was going, asked if I was able to find any good places to eat, that sort of thing. They're small wins but I am glad that we're able to enjoy each other's company; really the only awkwardness is when we say goodbye.
I also had a long chat with my friend who ended up reconciling with his now wife, just getting an understanding of how he dealt with the rollercoaster of emotions. I'm paraphrasing, but he said he came on too strong in the early days and it almost completely killed what little they still had; it was only after giving her some space that it opened the door for them to have really honest discussions about what caused the split.
I'm going to try and keep that lesson in mind. I'm never initiating the contact, but it would probably work to my benefit to be a little aloof and selective about it. This is a marathon and not a sprint.
SteveS - Travel can be really rough. I had 4 trips during pre-BD limbo and they wore me down. So much alone time, time to ruminate, obsess, read, worry, etc.
I am on a mission to achieve clarity lately. I'm tired of the spinning thoughts. Meditation helps.
Example: NMMNG. I've gone over and over that book and for me at this point it comes down to one simple lesson:
It's okay to have needs.
Now that I'm starting to believe it, things fall into place. Setting boundaries comes more naturally. That pedestal my W was atop has toppled (mostly...) I don't feel guilty for asserting a need, even if it causes conflict. I don't try to meet my needs in sneaky, people-pleasing ways.
Just encouraging you to strive for that clarity and simplicity.
Very true - NMMNG has been a godsend, really. I might be oversimplifying, but so much of my communication problems boiled down to:
1. Not clearly expressing my needs, which turned into passive-aggressiveness and weak boundary setting 2. Hiding things and lying to avoid conflict, which eroded the basic trust she had in me 3. Allowing my partners to have such strong impact on my emotional health, guided by fear of losing their love
It's really ironic. By trying to be perfect, avoiding conflict and downplaying my needs in order to seem like the best partner, it has such an opposite effect: you're instead a partner who cannot emotionally connect and be open and honest. For as much as I can beat myself up for not recognizing and taking action these things sooner, I'm going to use this time to actively work on improving my communication and integrity. Part of that is developing and cultivating honest and open male friendships, part of it is improving my relationship with my family, part of it is zooming in with my IC on self-image, and frankly part of it, as you said, is realizing that WAW is flawed and the problems that caused our S fall on both of us.
SteveS - Great summary post, I need to bookmark this.
One thing I am trying out this weekend is joining a men's group. It is not a NMMNG group specifically, but basically one with very similar goals that our MC (of all people) privately recommended to me.
NMMNG recovery is a lot of work and I imagine will take months if not years. The small steps of progress I see in myself (such as saying "no" without fear of conflict erupting) are invigorating.
SteveS...there is much to getting through this that's counter intuitive to what you think you should be doing. One of the vets on here "Sandi2" has the following on her signature: "It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!" From your posts it sounds to me like you are coming around on getting into alignment with that idea.
I'd suggest taking a look at scarcity vs abundance mindset. We all get here and think we'll never find another like our WAW or a better love or any of the other limiting/scarcity type feelings that do us no good. If you can get into the abundance mindset and truly believe in it, I think you'll find it will help you to manage how you go about your dealing with your WAW. Abundance will naturally help you to relax, drop the rope and allow you to focus on you and your life. You are doing work on yourself and that's going to pay off for you down the road no matter what happens.
I also had a long chat with my friend who ended up reconciling with his now wife, just getting an understanding of how he dealt with the rollercoaster of emotions. I'm paraphrasing, but he said he came on too strong in the early days and it almost completely killed what little they still had; it was only after giving her some space that it opened the door for them to have really honest discussions about what caused the split.
