Moving Forward

[Jac12]

Yes and not validating. Plus you reminded her again that she doesn’t want to be your wife. You need to brush up on DB 101.

I see...I did have many opportunities to validate and I was so focused on her faults that I didn't even recognize it.

Part of my problem is that I'm just tired of all this crap and I'm truly starting to be less interested in her. But I see that that attitude will fully shut the door and I'm not ready for that just yet.

I'll brush up on DB101 and get back at it. Overall I feel like I'm doing decent with it - I don't text her and don't ask about her whereabouts. I validate as often as I can ( but clearly missing opportunities). I'm positive when I'm around her and I'm doing things with my life that I enjoy. However, I make my mistakes and can be better.

Thanks LH19

[HopeCA]

LH19 (and others as well)—

what do you think about validating after the fact? Is it ever appropriate to go back and validate something after you’ve missed an opportunity? Or is that too pursuant/weird?

[LH19]

Yep. When you miss the opportunity just move on and wait until the next opportunity. It will surely come.

[Jac12]

Hi Guys,

It's been two weeks since my wife received the separation proposal and she's still yet to contact a lawyer (says she's been busy at work).

I'd like to text her or talk to her Sunday when I see her about this. As a reminder, we need to get this done so I can make sure me and my son are ok financially so I'd prefer not to wait this out.

Any advice on what to say in a text? Or best way to approach this?

Thanks

[LH19]

Short direct and to the point.

Curious as to why you are trying to push this along.

[Jac12]

She isn't helping out financially in any way. Our child is with me 100% of the time (she visits here twice a week) and I'm going into more debt each month as my income (self employed) has been cut by 40% since I changed my schedule so I could look after my son.

I'm not ready to go down the D path yet but this separation should be fair to both sides financially. She avoids everything and I worry this could drag on even further and next thing you know I'm in much deeper debt.

[LH19]

Ok. Understand. Makes sense to push it through.

[AnotherStander]

Jac, you may have gone over this already but are you in the US, and if so, are you in a state that has legal separation? Was what you sent her an actual legal document or just a proposal? If wherever you live there is no "legal" separation (like here in TX), then you're in a tough spot. If you need financial support from her and she continues to ignore you on it then you will have to file for D and force her hand.

If you have legal separation then I would talk to your L about filing through legal channels if you haven't already done so.

Then after you talk to him, tell your W that you need a response by XX date or you will be filing.

[fade]

Look into default judgements. I don't know how much house and investment value you're talking about, but I think its a big mistake not to get any spousal. You can document income loss because you have your son full-time. In the future she may and probably will fight get 50-50 and your child support is gone, but don't expect her to ever pay for any of his expenses and you will still be taking up all the slack with your time. In that case you are in trouble.

I suggest you talk to your L about going straight to filing with spousal at the value of your forfeited income. Usually these become default judgements if she doesn't respond in 30 or 60 days. File and never say a word about it to her again.

I absolutely guarantee you that she is seeing someone and is totally in limerence based on her behavior. I can also guarantee you that it wont last and she will go from ignoring jac to hating jac very soon. You want to get everything final before that happens.

And you know what, if you still want to reconcile with whatever it is she becomes through this...think about what she can gain in reconciliation versus how she will end up divorced. People who get bulldozed in the divorce are always more open to reconciliation than those who make out like bandits.

[Jac12]

Thanks Guys - good input.

I'm in Canada and we have legal separation here. I'm asking for the house and my investments instead of full spousal because I really don't need her to pay full spousal and I'd rather have the house and my investments. Plus if she loses her job down the road then I don't have to worry about that part.

But yes, I will talk to my L about setting a date and filing the legal separation if I haven't heard from her.

I'm about 75% that she's seeing someone and I'm quite certain it won't last, especially once we finalize these payments as she is currently living above her means even without paying us anything. In my head though I just assume she's with someone else as otherwise her behaviour would really not make sense. Helps me to move on on my own too. Would I be open to reconciliation? I think so - but as others have noted, that door closes more each month. I'm certainly not attracted to the person she is right now but I do believe she's in there somewhere.

I appreciate the input!