Moving Forward

[Jac12]

Today my W looked after our S until I got home around 8pm (I was out doing things - golf, shopping, dinner). I was doing my thing and giving her space to be with our S since they hang out at our joint house.

After my W took him to bed she came downstairs and was crying.

Me: What's wrong?
W: I just miss him so much. He says goodnight mommy and it breaks my heart.
Me: I can imagine that would be difficult for you.
W: yeaaaaah. It's hard.
Me: You had a nice time with him though right?
W: Yes we did. We had a really nice time.
Me: I'm glad.

She grabbed her things and made a point to give me a hug (lately that hasn't happened). I said drive safe and carried on.

Have a nice weekend planned with S. Going to take him to see some horses at a friends place and then go swimming with some friends.

My W has him on Sunday so I'll be out golfing with friends and maybe go on a bike ride.

[unchien]

Nice job on the validation! I love the “I can imagine...” starter phrase. You got close to the edge there with the rest of it but I think it was fine. You acknowledged she enjoyed the time with S.

Ignore the hug.

[Jac12]

Today is my W's day to be with our S. We agreed on Wednesday she would come for 8am.

It's now after 9am and she's still not here - text convo:

Me: Where are you? you ok?
W: Hey I'm still at my place, just getting up. I'm ok thanks.
W: I didn't think I was needed super early. Oh no, is that no the case?
Me: When you left on on Wednesday we are agreed on 8am. What time will you get here?
W: Oh my god I don't remember that, I'm so sorry. Do you have somewhere to be?
Me: Nowhere specific anymore. I was supposed to play golf at 9:30
W: Goddamnit I'm sorry

No further response from me. Even if I didn't have anywhere to be she was crying on Wednesday because she misses our S so much. Now she's going to be 2 hours late - it doesn't appear as though he's a priority to her.

Any suggestions on how to handle this when I see her soon? I definitely will not be asking what she was doing.

[HopeCA]

I have experienced similar things with my H on his mornings to pick up D4. For what it’s worth, he has been a very dedicated, involved dad throughout. That said, I find this kind of thing super triggering. My head always goes to thinking he “slept in” because he’s in bed with someone, and the idea of that making him late to see D3 fills me with rage.
I’ve reacted in a variety of ways to this over time. And my advice is, just don’t. If I could go back, I would not show any reaction at all. Then perhaps in a later convo revisit and let her know that it’s important for your sons sake that you both be consistent and show up for him at the expected time?

[unchien]

The reason doesn’t matter... it is disrespectful to agree to a time and then not follow through.

I’d suggest you separate the what from the why in your mind.

Then think about how to handle it. Consider being firm about dates and times. Coparenting doesn’t work well if both parties can’t agree to follow through on those basic commitments.

Also document these events. Never know if you may find it useful down the road (“agreed to 8am. No response until after 9am.”)

[unchien]

And Hope is right... number one consistency is important for your child’s sake.

[Jac12]

Thanks guys - yes at this point I really don't care why she was late. In my head I just assume that she's with someone else and it helps me to move forward without her.

That said, I still hope she's healthy in general and I worry that she's not taking care of her mental health.

When she eventually came by (2.5 hours late) she apologized and looked like she felt bad. I told her I enjoyed my time with our son but moving forward we need to be consistent. I had to change my plans because of this.This was our convo:

W: I'm so sorry, I feel so bad.
Me: No big deal, I enjoyed my time. I'd rather spend my time with S than go golfing but we need to be consistent.
W: I don't remember us agreeing on a time. I'm worried about my memory now.
Me: Yeah we agreed on 8am but even if you forgot I'm concerned that you didn't come early to spend time with your son. You basically missed out on 3 hours with him and last Wednesday you were crying that you didn't get to see him enough. I know you don't want to hear it from me but I know you. You are a great Mom and but you're not acting like yourself. Are you doing ok?
W: Yeah, I think so
Me: Ok, well I hope you have someone to talk to about your thoughts because you may not want to be part of this family, or be my wife, but you're still a mom to Kai and he needs his mom to be healthy.
W: Yeah....


I know I said too much so no need for any 2x4's. She still won't open up at all. She thinks her world is perfect and all her physical changes are making her a better person. She is so wrong. She's becoming more and more awful. And she also asked if she could spend Sunday's with him instead of Saturdays because she wants to go out with friends on Saturdays.

Also, still has not seen her L about the Separation agreement. Says its been busy at work.

[LH19]

Face palm and shake of the head.

[Jac12]

Face palm and shake of the head.

For me talking too much?

[LH19]

Yes and not validating. Plus you reminded her again that she doesn’t want to be your wife. You need to brush up on DB 101.