Midlife wife crisis9

[Wolfman]

Hi there. It’s been a few days but a lot has gone on. First off I have been reading NMMNG and all I have to say is wow, that is me. It’s sad to see that is nice guys really do finish last. I’m about 70 pages in and I love it. It’s really got me to open my eyes. You all are right about me not going in the house. There is no point. A lot has happened thee last few days.
So last Monday my w text me that she wanted to switch days Friday and Thursday (I have the kids usually Friday). I told her she could not that I already made plans for me and the kids. Of course the typical spew through text, that I do t want to switch why would I do that? It’s not fair, blah blah blah. I just text her back sorry you feel that way but it’s my day with the kids. I didn’t respond to anymore texts. My buddy moved to South Carolina and was coming up for the week so we made plans 3 weeks ago. NOt changing them for her. Evidently w made plans with friends of ours to go to the beach before she asked me, not my problem. So she had to cancel on them. Let’s just call them and. And Ames. Smith just so it’s easy to follow. Everything is top secret with her so I did not know this. So Friday just as I’m about to head out the vineyards to meet up with my buddy and other friends, Mrs. Smith called me and asked what I was doing? I said I am going out to the vineyards. What are you doing? She said you w was suppose to go to the beach with us but cancelled and some of the other families did too. I told them come out to the vineyards then. She said sure. At the vineyards I pulled mr. and mrs Smith aside and said be prepared she is going to be kissed at you guys for coming here with me. They both said why? I said I know how she is just be prepared. They said we are not here to pick sides. I told them I wasn’t asking you to or never would ask you too. I don’t care how many times you hang out with w but I know how she will respond. They said if she says anything we will deal with it. I said ok but you are warned.

Sunday mr and mrs Smith were having a birthday party for their son who was turning 10 at a bowling alley. Mrs smith sent out a group text to all the parents about the party I was on it and so was my w. Party started at 2 I got here 2:10. As I walked in I see my w sitting by herself texting away and not talking to anyone. Which I thought was odd. I went over and said hello to the parents her sister and brother in law the kids and I said hello to my w, I got a very cold hi. I just figured it must be one of the odd days for her. Keep back 500 feet. Lol so I’m talking to all the parents at the party and then I get a text from her. “You really are something. I’m so glad I didn’t buy into the I changed bull$h*t. You are the same nothing has changed.” Totally confused I wrote what’s the matter. She responds you make me laugh it’s all done ... Karma. I know I shouldn’t have engaged but asked what are you talking about. She wrote live with yourself. I need to keep reading NMMNG, I probably just would have left it at that. I went over to her and said what’s going on? She said I see right through you and how phony you are and so does everyone else. You and everyone here is phony. Once she said that I knew it was about the vineyards. At that point I just walked away. Then 15 minutes later she gets up and storms to the front of the bowling alley. Mrs smith goes after her to talk to her. They are in the front of the bowling alley and you can see my w is laying into her. Mr smith says to me what’s going on, I said to him it’s about the vineyards. He said you think I said I am pretty sure. So my w is yelling at Mrs smith during her son’s birthday party for about 10 minutes. Her sister goes we want to do cake but we need my sister here. I said I know. She said in 2 minutes I’m going over there to get my sister that this is ridiculous. About 1 minute later my comes speed walking back to the party. Mrs Smith is slow walking you can see she is really upset. We sing happy birthday to her son then my w grabs the kids and leaves, the party wasn’t over. So I asked mrs Smith was that about the vineyards? She said yes. That my w said that she betrayed her by going, that she should have told her she was going out there with me(that makes me laugh, they have to report to my w). That she didn’t know I was going to the birthday party. Mrs smith said I was on the group text, she said she didn’t see my name, mrs smith said well that’s not her problem. Last w said to mrs smith that she should have told her I was coming to prepare her and that for now on let her know when I will be around so she is prepared. Prepared for what? Were we going to have a boxing match? Does anyone else have a w that is as crazy as mine?
These have been friends of ours for 10 years going away together, the kids call us uncle and she said she is done with them. They betrayed her trust and will never trust them again.

[unchien]

Wolfman - Sometimes the blowback to addressing your NGS is very very strong. That doesn't mean you are wrong. Good job standing your ground.

I had a very similar situation arise this weekend. My W asked for one of my days because she prematurely invited friends to visit. I said "no". She flipped out on the phone: "I gave you this last week blah blah blah". It was tense.

But then we went to MC the next day, and she brought up that she recognized that I had the right to say no, and that just because she did something for me in the past did not entitle her to anything (... covert contracts ring a bell?). I was glad to see that shift in her mindset. I hope it will minimize our co-parenting conflict going forward.

Another thing... we have mutual friends, and we are trying not to involve them in our drama. I told my W... you can invite them to do anything you want, and you don't have to tell me. But let's make sure we tell this couple that you and I don't necessarily tell each other everything going on, so it's possible some weekends we may both invite them to different things. (This happened a few weeks ago and it was really awkward for our friends). It's hard to see my friends spending time with our kids when I am sitting home alone, but... hey this is my new reality, right? That's my issue to deal with, not my W's, and certainly not our friends.

Your W has her emotions and she has to deal with that. She can be mad at you, mad at the Smith's, that's really on her. You invited the Smith's to the vineyard knowing your W may flip out... even though my own NGS has me cringing, you did not let your W's potential reaction affect your decision. That is fantastic.

One last thing - sometimes I find in addressing my NGS that this sense of superiority can creep in ("I'm handling my emotional sh*t better than you!") If you find that happening for you, I'd suggest adopting an attitude of compassion towards your W and her struggle to manage her own emotions.

[Wolfman]

Unchien at first it didn’t think about it bothering her. Then it dawned on me how she is. But enough people on here have told me I can’t worry about what she is going to think. I did so much of that in the past. Now I am going to do things that are good for me and my children. I am not going to be mean or nice, just indifferent. I’ll validate when necessary but also not let her dictate anything or walk all over me. The book is helping but I still have more to read!! Thank you everyone for the recommendation.

[Hallzy9]

Way to stand your ground wolfman, you can’t nice her back. Despite the spew you are acting in a way that demands respect. Be wary she may switch to being nice to you in an effort to manipulate. Try not to fall for it and continue focusing on yourself and your needs.

[Wolfman]

Nothing really new to report. Things are moving along. W is suppose to have the appraisal done soon on the home. I just needed a safe place to get these emotions off my chest. I have been at this a year and still being here hurts real bad. I can’t imagine how a mother would want to put her kids through this d when things were really not that bad. I know that’s from my perspective and hers is completely different. But if she were to look at the big picture logically she would have seen these were easy fixes. Just my logical brain at work. I have really come to believe that she is so happy with getting d because now half the time she is free to do what she wants. No more being a mom or wife. It’s sad that someone who expressed to me how important family is has taken this road. How she didn’t even want to try, not even once and making it work. I read on here and I have talked about the “fog”. Is there really one? I have not seen my w even remotely look like she was coming out of it, like I said I really believe she loves this new found freedom. Does that last forever too? I’m sorry I am just hurting today, I really miss my kids when I don’t have them. That’s another thing she is going away for 4 days in a week with her d girlfriends. She said she needs time away, she needs a break. Really?? I have the kids half the time and on those days you go out with your friends. From everyone’s experience do eventually this “party” life get old? Do they at some point say I miss the family dynamic? She actually asked me when she goes away if I want the kids? Seriously?? Those are my kids and love them with all my heart, just because you want to run away and have no More responsibility doesn’t mean I want to. Let’s put it this way too. My Siberian husky is 16. That’s really old for a big dog to live that long. Well she has a little trouble walking on occasion, when she sits for a while it’s hard for her to get up, but once she is up she is fine. My w said the other day, I think we should put her down. I said why, because she can’t always walk, I said she is just slow getting up but once she is up she is fine. She then proceeded to say to me, then you can take care of her. She doesn’t want any responsibility and basically wants to put my dog down because she doesn’t want to take care of it anymore.

I have been hanging out with a lot of friends lately. Just watching the wives with their husband makes me sad. I miss that dynamic I also realize my w wasn’t really like that with me. I see such love between these couples I miss it!! Sorry for the long rambling post but I just needed to get this off my chest. Just feeling depressed today. It’s funny everyone who knows us says one day my w is going to wake up and realize what she had. I hate that comment because I wish she would wake up now!!! So many of my women friends say to me, why would your w at 40 want to go back into the dating scene when she had a great family and life? My response to them always is, I have no idea.

[LH19]

W,

Have you talked to your W about maybe having more custody since she likes her freedom so much?

I think part of the reason you are so stuck is because you are projecting a fantasy of this perfect family life and marriage if your W just made a few changes. I would argue you are in a fog right now. You are ignoring reality and that is why you are suffering so much. Your W will most likely take a look behind her some day but I'm not so sure she will see any changes. Just the same nice guy who is a people pleaser and likes to wallow in his misery. What's the status of you getting your own place?

What Have you learned from the NMMNG book.

[Wolfman]

LH. I have learned so much from the book. Actually was reading it just now. This book is me. Everything in this book is what I have done and experienced. I never would have thought being a nice guy would have so much blow back. Unfortunately you are right of this fantasy family. I tried to be the opposite of my father by helping my w with everything and being around all the time, and look where it got me. I know my w sees the changes in me already, her accepting them is another story. I am definitely make a lot of changes. Went back to playing baseball, playing flag football hanging out with more of my guy friends. All the things my w took away from me because she said I was not home enough.

Also I am not ignoring reality. It just has been a very slow process for me to accept it. I know this is how it is, there is nothing I can do but make myself the best me possible. You say I’m in a fog, what exactly do you mean by that? Outside of this forum I am different. I show confidence, happiness, energy. All of my friends said they have seen such a change in me. This is my safe space to vent. My kids have noticed a change in me too. They say I don’t yell and scream anymore like I use to. I’m more patient with them. Now my w is constantly yelling at them and I am talking with them.

[LH19]

When I say your in a fog I meant your stuck in your own fog and don't seem to moving forward. I get that you like to vent here but to me it doesn't seem to be productive. We can't help you when you keep saying the same thing over and over.

[Ready2Change]

Wolf,

I have been at this a year

What have you accomplished in this time?

when things were really not that bad.

Things were really bad. You were just using the wrong measuring stick. You are still using the wrong measuring stick.

But if she were to look at the big picture logically

She makes decisions based off of feelings and emotions. Two different measurement systems.

How she didn’t even want to try, not even once and making it work.

She did. You were the one not trying. She finally gave up. Then you woke up out of your fog.

I really miss my kids when I don’t have them..... She actually asked me when she goes away if I want the kids?

Then you take them every single time she offers. You document it. At some point, you then change up the custody agreement.

Just watching the wives with their husband makes me sad. I miss that dynamic I also realize my w wasn’t really like that with me. I see such love between these couples I miss it!!

So she wasn't like this with you but you miss it??



The million dollar questions:

How long do you want to keep punishing yourself?
Are you still stand for your marriage?

[Wolfman]

When I say your in a fog I meant your stuck in your own fog and don't seem to moving forward. I get that you like to vent here but to me it doesn't seem to be productive. We can't help you when you keep saying the same thing over and over.

Thank you for clearing that up. I know venting is no productive but it does make me feel better. Thanks for kicking my butt!!! I am moving forward I got my second career moving again. Reconnected with friends, going to the gym 5 days a week, going out more with friends and by myself, back into playing sports. So I would say I am moving forward just on here you hear my worse. Just the mornings are bad, for some reason those are the times I am moist depressed. But I get my butt to the gym and then I feel better. Soon as school starts again it will be a healthy distraction. I know it doesn’t seem like it but I am listening to you guys. This forum is my support and when you give it to me straight it helps, may not seem like it but it does.

Wolf,

I have been at this a year

What have you accomplished in this time?

when things were really not that bad.

Things were really bad. You were just using the wrong measuring stick. You are still using the wrong measuring stick.

But if she were to look at the big picture logically

She makes decisions based off of feelings and emotions. Two different measurement systems.

How she didn’t even want to try, not even once and making it work.

She did. You were the one not trying. She finally gave up. Then you woke up out of your fog.

I really miss my kids when I don’t have them..... She actually asked me when she goes away if I want the kids?

Then you take them every single time she offers. You document it. At some point, you then change up the custody agreement.

Just watching the wives with their husband makes me sad. I miss that dynamic I also realize my w wasn’t really like that with me. I see such love between these couples I miss it!!

So she wasn't like this with you but you miss it??



The million dollar questions:

How long do you want to keep punishing yourself?
Are you still stand for your marriage?

Read what I wrote at the top what has changed in the past year. Thank you for hitting me with this. I work from logic and she works from emotion. What you said makes sense, all of it. As far as the million dollar question, I am ready to move on, I know the way I speak on here doesn’t seem like it but I am. I miss the 4 of us as a family. That’s all. I need to get over it and I know it will get better. I feel better. I am off all of my AD. Yes I am doing this with the doctor watching me. I don’t cry as much. I try and find the good in life each day and focus on that.