Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it

[DaB35]

Did you know she hated porn in any form before this happened?

Only several years after my addiction was in full swing.
There were times when Iwas 'tired' of the addictin, thinking, "why am i still doing this?"
That's when I should've got help. I was too proud to seek therapy and thought I could do it alone.

[Yorkie]

Hi Dan

Haven't got much time as rushing out to work so forgive if I come across blunt.

To her you look weak. Not the porn in itself, but the addiction. Now you're falling over yourself to be nice and helpful even if it goes against what you want. It looks weak.

Be really honest with yourself; what is the motivation for the helpfulness? Perhaps part guilt, part it'll win her back.

She's still in angry and knee jerk stage. She doesn't remember the good, just the deceit and betrayal.

You don't really understand or acknowledge her viewpoint. If you did you wouldn't have judged her as being a prude.

Nobody here is advising you to be a b****rd. You've got a fine line to walk. But take it from someone who has been in a much worse position in many ways; I looked for remorse and a sign from my husband that he was strong and prepared to roll up his sleeves and fight for the marriage. Helping me divorce / separate would not have done that. Instead he ran away and looked oh so weak. His continued weakness in the face of adversity was what ended our marriage.

Final point; if this house means so much to you, why are you going along with selling it and why aren't you living there?

[DaB35]

She admits herself she is a prude. She's done this several times, in front of friends too.

She simply wants to not live in the house. I'm not there because she doesn't want me there.

I have been fighting; I keep telling her that we could perhaps just be separated and I work through my therapy and then we try. If a divorce happens after that, I'd at least understand. She even told me in June "I won't make any major decisions until you've got through your therapy." Then she changed her mind. When I picked her up on this she just said "Yeah. That was then. I've changed my mind now."

I am and have been remorseful. I want to help her as I hate seeing her look helpless and struggling.
I understand that she feels neglected and betrayed, and that she says the "whole relationship had an undercurrent of lies." I kept this addiction from her because of shame and I didn't have the bravery to seek help, either professionally or from her/my friends/my family.

She keeps saying how sad the whole situation is. She doesn't want it to happen and "wishes things were different". I want to show her I'm being strong and have a desire to save the marriage. I think she's so adamant that I can't change her mind she just isn't listening.

[DaB35]

Also, when we're angry we rewrite history and everything that you ever did was wrong, immoral, insensitive etc etc

Yes I have experienced this. She once all of a sudden said "we don't have much in common." And I really took exception to that. She then texted an apology saying "I'm sorry if I say things out of anger, I don't mean them."

[DaB35]

She only needs to glance back once and see a strong, together man who obviously has remorse for it to sow a seed of doubt in her mind about what she wants in the future.

I'm really hoping this happens. I am striving to be a better man and am achieving this slowly. The fact that I've not been on any adult sites since May is also increasing my confidence.

[DaB35]

Well when it rains it pours it seems...

She is going on holiday tomorrow with 2 friends for a week to Portugal.

She texted me this morning saying that she fell on her shoulder, went to A & E and has sprained the ligaments so has her arm in a sling and can't move it much.

I replied saying that I was really sorry to hear that, it sounds painful, and asked if was there anything I could do to help as I'm worried for her.

I really want to pick her up and fix things.

[DaB35]

Update - She said she'll be fine. Asked me to do a bit of hoovering and dusting before the estate agent comes round on Saturday.

I don't want the divorce but she has made this decision and I have to be seen to accept it. She knows I don't want it.

This is all moving too fast. I don't like it.

[DaB35]

How do you hope your W will respond to this letter?

I am hoping she will thank me for it and be pleased that I have acknowledged and described how she felt so hurt. So far all that's happened is she's described how she's felt, and I've apologised and said that I regret it all and that I want to make things work. All 'don'ts' I realise, but I did it anyway as I wasn't aware of any sites like this one etc.

She has even said "I believe you can change." I'm somewhat insulted then that she's chosen to get a divorce.

[ovrrnbw]

I did not have emotional affairs with the 2 women. It was some dirty talk and some pictures. The only non-sexual thing was one of the women said something about her dog dying and I said I was sorry to hear that. But my W beleives that I'd "formed a relationship" with them.

I see them as emotional affairs. Sexting is cheating. You were walking down the path to a physical affair.

Porn....hhmmm. Not the end of the world to watch porn IMO, although it has been shown to be incredibly unhealthy for all people involved. You definitely crossed the line by paying for pics.

As for the home sale, why are you lining everything up on this? Doesn't your W want out? Let her do that work and have plans when she asks you to be there to meet the estate agent.

I have to show her the new me

It's going to take a long time before you are the new you. You are still a work in progress. Trust me, big changes take time. The best thing you can do is stay focused and humble.

She hates porn in any form, and says that me being on these sites and commenting in a vulgar manner on some of the models etc means that I hate women and don't value our marriage and prefer them to her.

I can see how she could feel that way, can you? Learn to validate these types of feelings she is having.

Quit fighting her on just trying separation. I don't think it's working, do you? She may be getting advice to end things, but you can't worry about it. It won't do a thing but hurt you. So let it go. I know you want to fix things and you know how to and you can fix them right now...but you can't. So let it go. She says lots of conflicting things, right? It's because she is emotionally hurt and has ups and downs. So let it go. Now go work on being strong and attractive.

[DaB35]

Thanks for your reply ovrrnbw.

I've been asked to check the house is tidy for when the estate agents come round on Saturday morning.

Yes I definitely crossed the line re the addiction. The thing is, I think about it now and am *completely* turned off by the very idea of going on those sites now. This is making it much easier to stay off them! It's actually not even entered my head for ages now.

When I went to see her at our house lastSaturday she asked "How's therapy going?" and I said really well. She then said "No relapses then?" and I proudly said "None at all. It's really helped." She went silent.

I do appreciate big changes take time. I am hopeful that she will see them eventually. I'm just going to keep moving forward.

Yes she is up and down - that's how she is normally lol! Lots of mood swings.

I'm working on being stronger. I've bought new clothes, got a haircut recently, catching up on my hobbies/interests, reading.

I have ordered the Divorce Remedy book just now.