Did you know she hated porn in any form before this happened?
Only several years after my addiction was in full swing. There were times when Iwas 'tired' of the addictin, thinking, "why am i still doing this?" That's when I should've got help. I was too proud to seek therapy and thought I could do it alone.
OK. People have all kinds of ethical views on porn, I have my own views, but my follow-up point was that porn really becomes problematic in a relationship when the 2 partners have diverging views about it.
Had you known your W had a huge problem with porn, and you kept viewing it in secret, even if you thought it was completely harmless and valid, I would say there is something else to explore there. Sounds like this was not the case...
Originally Posted by Dan35
Originally Posted by unchien
How do you hope your W will respond to this letter?
I am hoping she will thank me for it and be pleased that I have acknowledged and described how she felt so hurt. So far all that's happened is she's described how she's felt, and I've apologised and said that I regret it all and that I want to make things work. All 'don'ts' I realise, but I did it anyway as I wasn't aware of any sites like this one etc.
She has even said "I believe you can change." I'm somewhat insulted then that she's chosen to get a divorce.
OK you fell for my trap =D
You are hoping for a particular response. This never goes well. Letting go of expectations for your MR also includes becoming outcome-independent. What I mean is... you do nothing with an expectation that you will receive a particular outcome.
I can guarantee you she will not respond to the letter in a way you hoped for. It will be a gut punch.
I can go on and on about the pitfalls of letters.
I wrote letters like this, pretty much exactly how your letter went, and it had zero impact. In fact it had negative impact. You've apologized enough -- and frankly apologies are not going to fix things. I know it's hard to let go of this one - she may even spew at you later "You never wrote me an apology letter" - do NOT fall for it.
I'm going to press you a little harder on something, and I hope you don't take it as some sort of a judgmental attitude, because it's not. Your W is giving you a gift - she may never trust you or accept you back. This is the time in your life to pull yourself together and address all of your baggage. I'm not saying take her at her word for all your flaws, but also don't dismiss everything as "just an issue with the porn."
There are two levels to addressing your issues. One way is the surface way. Stop with the porn. Go to IC. OK. You are doing this. You could move on with your life.
The second way is deeper. Can you connect this to underlying issues, maybe from your childhood? Can you really feel it deep down and understand how you absolutely have to change, not for your W, but for your own happiness. Can you get to a point where you can have 2 coexisting and conflicting thoughts in your head:
1. My W may have overblown her accusations. 2. I have issues which drove my behavior, and if I don't address them at their core, I will be leaving happiness on the table.
When you make deep and lasting change, it becomes evident to other people. It may become evident to your W. Through consistent actions and integrity, you will have opportunities to earn back her trust. There is no guarantee this will happen. But it will be 10000 times more effective than a letter.
This stuff is a mess. You have to balance a lot of questions. You want to take your W's input seriously, and not minimize it, but also stand firmly with your core values. This is not easy.
She simply wants to not live in the house. I'm not there because she doesn't want me there....I want to show her I'm being strong and have a desire to save the marriage.
A strong man standing for his marriage will move back into the house and the master bedroom.
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I think she's so adamant that I can't change her mind she just isn't listening.
It is not about your words...it is about your actions.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes my therapist and I have discussed this. I've mentioned it a bit further up the thread - it's to do with a fear of failure, low tolerance for whne things go wrong, however small; poor self-esteem; poor body image; not feeling masculine enough.
I am addressing these things with tasks my therapist is setting me. They're working. This in turn is increasing my confidence slowly but surely, and I've not looked at porn for 3 months.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
She simply wants to not live in the house. I'm not there because she doesn't want me there....I want to show her I'm being strong and have a desire to save the marriage.
A strong man standing for his marriage will move back into the house and the master bedroom.
Quote
I think she's so adamant that I can't change her mind she just isn't listening.
It is not about your words...it is about your actions.
The issue is she simply doesn't want me in the house. I want to fight, but she's just not interested in reconciling.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
A strong man standing for his marriage will move back into the house and the master bedroom.
I want to show her I'm being strong and have a desire to save the marriage. The issue is she simply doesn't want me in the house. I want to fight, but..
It's unclear how facilitating separation, the selling of the house, and divorce sends that message. You know, as compared to the typical DB line "It's not what I want, but I won't stand in your way."
I suggested that we stay separated maybe whilst I@m in therapy and we keep in touch and try to make things work over several months.
Her response - "I don't want to spend a year checking up on you. I'd keep thinking you'd be lying or keeping something from me. I'm young. I can find someone else."
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
I think you may be missing some things Dan, and I understand that b/c I often have to read a few times before fully absorbing.
Originally Posted by Dan35
"I don't want to spend a year checking up on you. I'd keep thinking you'd be lying or keeping something from me. I'm young. I can find someone else."
Respect her, hear her, validate her. I can see why she would think that. Hopefully you can too. Those are her feelings at the moment. Validate them.
She obviously still has feelings for you but you keep playing off of those to pressure her into making a firm and lasting decision. Take the pressure off, validate her feelings when she shares them, and give her the time and space she needs. And stop doing things to facilitate the divorce IMO.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes my therapist and I have discussed this. I've mentioned it a bit further up the thread - it's to do with a fear of failure, low tolerance for whne things go wrong, however small; poor self-esteem; poor body image; not feeling masculine enough.
I am addressing these things with tasks my therapist is setting me. They're working. This in turn is increasing my confidence slowly but surely, and I've not looked at porn for 3 months.
This is great stuff and I'm glad to hear your therapist is helping you identify a plan of action. Some therapists can get stuck in "mirror" mode.
If it hasn't been suggested here yet, I suggest in addition to the DR book you check out No More Mr Nice Guy (NMMNG for short). I can't recommend both books strongly enough.
