Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it

[DaB35]

I do recognise that to outsiders reading this, it is shocking. I am ashamed of what I have done and to have hurt my W in this way.

I hate that I did it and never got help.

But, I am getting help now and it's WORKING. I have had no desire to look at any such sites for 3 months now and that is really helping me stay positive. I'm just getting into a state now where it doesn't even enter my head as a "well I could look, one little peek won't hurt anyone." I simply don't think about it.

Instead I read, catch up on my hobby (I write music and play), I talk to my mates on facebook or text (don't worry, I've hidden my W's profile!), exercise, go for walks, watch TV, help my sister walk her dog, etc.

[unchien]

I do recognise that to outsiders reading this, it is shocking. I am ashamed of what I have done and to have hurt my W in this way.

Dan,

It is not all that shocking. Don't beat yourself up, that mindset can limit your personal growth.

You mention feeling ashamed. Once you dig into NMMNG you will understand why I say what comes next. There is a fundamental difference between feeling shame, regret, and remorse. Those 3 are different emotions.

Shame: "I am fundamentally bad." -> very hard to make personal progress in this mindset
Regret: "I really wish I didn't do that."
Remorse: "I really wish I didn't do that, because I recognize how much I hurt that other person and the pain they must feel."

The most difficult aspect of remorse is empathizing with the other person's version of reality when you don't agree with it.

I hate that I did it and never got help.

Fair enough, but you will need to get over the self-loathing stage. I think you are taking some good steps now.

One of the key steps in forgiveness is first forgiving yourself. I hope you reach that point eventually. It will take time and hard work.

But, I am getting help now and it's WORKING. I have had no desire to look at any such sites for 3 months now and that is really helping me stay positive. I'm just getting into a state now where it doesn't even enter my head as a "well I could look, one little peek won't hurt anyone." I simply don't think about it.

Instead I read, catch up on my hobby (I write music and play), I talk to my mates on facebook or text (don't worry, I've hidden my W's profile!), exercise, go for walks, watch TV, help my sister walk her dog, etc.

I sense you feel we are giving you a hard time.

You've made some great progress and I applaud you for it.

I also feel like you are trying to convince us that you have changed, and now it is just a matter of earning back your W's trust. There is a hint of defensiveness in your posts, and some of the responses you are getting are pointing this out (as well as some concern that you are minimizing the impact to your W).

I'm not saying this to be hard on you, I'm just calling it as I see it. Many of us post here because we feel a duty to help others in the same way we have been helped before, and I know I take this seriously. This is not a frivolous hobby for me. I also understand I don't know you, or the nuances of your situation, so you can take anything posted here for what it's worth in that regard.

You've made some great progress, and I urge you to keep digging deeper and understand there is more work to be done. And in the process of doing that work, you will simultaneously:

1. Become a happier, healthier man.
2. Increase your chances of earning back your W's trust.

Being more patient with the process is a really hard step, but a necessary one.

[DaB35]

Thanks Unchien.

I'm loving NMMNG - I'm not exactly like everything the author describes but a good number of features ring true certainly. Definitely the whole trying to please, and keeping secret anything that deviates from the outward 'nice guy' persona.

I do apologise if I'm coming across defensive. Like I said before, not liking failure! I do understand that it won't be a quick fix.

My W feels really hurt, and I miss her, I still ove her very much, I don't hate her at all, I rarely got annoyed with her in the 8 years we were together actually.

Yes of course she had her annoying quirks that she'd do round the house or certan things she'd say, but they were very minor.

I am remorseful of my actions. The shame has gone now I think - that was what was fuelling the addiction (act out, feel guilt, go back to normal life, when next alone feel shame, act out to remove that feeling of shame, and so on).

I understnad how hurt she is - she basically thought I was a certan type of guy, but then discovered I was cocnealing something. She even said "if you had got help or sorted it out, I'd have never known, and everything would be fine." I felt so stupid! Anyway - remorseful is where I feel I'm at.

I do appreciate everyone who's commented on here. It's been a great source of advice and a soundboard.

[unchien]

I do apologise if I'm coming across defensive. Like I said before, not liking failure! I do understand that it won't be a quick fix.

Stop apologizing!! That is your Nice Guy persona talking!!

Think of the forum as tough love. If we didn't care, we'd sugar-coat things.

[DaB35]

Journal

Had a nice day yesterday. Saw my sister and her husband and the dog. Had a drink in a pub on the way home with them. They said I was looking well and seem positive. That helped.

I woke up feeling angry with my W this morning. How quickly she's decided to end things. How I know she hasn't decided this on her own; she's been pushed by others. But I didn't dwell on that for more than a couple of minutes.
I turned my thoughts to something else. I got up earlier than usual, did 20mins exercise then went to work early.

I found out I passed one of my accountancy exams yesterday too. I just have to wait for 1 more result then I get some letters after my name.

I feel a little lighter this week. It's tough of course; I'm not downplaying how much my marriage meant to me. She is still so important to me. But at the same time, I'm doing my thing and getting on. I've not found myself wallowing in a dark room crying myself to sleep every night. I honestly thought I would be there. But I'm not.

I've decided that I will not text her at all whilst she is on holiday.

[AnotherStander]

Good, that all sounds spot-on. The anger, it's natural. Sounds like you've got healthy ways to process it so keep that up. The bad moments like that will become fewer over time and the good ones more numerous. Recovering from this is a slow process so be patient!

[DaB35]

I'm usually very patient generally - it's my W who is the impatient impulsive one!

I am loving the No More Mr Nice Guy book. I've nearly finished it already.

I don't like how she is going all gung-ho on this, and I think she's thinking she can't turn back now as she would have told lots of people about what she's decided to do and doesn't want to appear weak. In reality I can't prove that and I don't want to ask her. I will simply carry on doing my thing and just keep moving forward.

I am finding it hard to not text her - I find myself looking at my phone every hour or so in case she's contacted me. I know, I know, I should stop that straight away. So I've taken my phone off my desk and stuck it in my bag so I can't see it.

She is still on my mind, but I'm not sure what the exact emotion is that I'm feeling. It's a weird mixture - love, loss, anger, frustration, remorse, affection. It's all churned up.

[DaB35]

Just finished No More Mr Nice Guy.

Fantastic read. Please get it if you haven't yet.

The characteristics I relate to are:
- Hiding mistakes
- Trying to be different to other men who are more outwardly masculine
- Avoiding conflict
- Avoiding intense discussions about relationships, feelings etc.
- 'Clamming up' during serious conversations, afraid of saying something that others might disagree with
- Seeking approval - pointing out things I've done when the person I've done them for could easily find out themselves.
- Sacrifice personal power - often others would joke that my W 'was in charge' in the relationship

It is eye-opening to see this. Also it's massively saddening that I didn't become aware of this book when I met my wife in 2010!

I have work to do for sure, but I've started it and it's going well.

[unchien]

Dan -

It's even better on the second and third times through.

Don't beat yourself about not finding the book earlier. I actually did find it two years ago, when we were in the midst of a dead bedroom. I felt the impact of the words. The lessons sunk in, but not deep enough.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Dan,


What are your plans/goals for the weekend?