Ive been lurking and picking up a ton of great info for a couple of weeks now. great site wishI had found earlier...dont we all.
Ill try to be brief with my current sitch,
3 years ago injured myself at work high paying job..off work on longterm disability until Oct 2018. During that period I got better but was drinking way too much basically self medicating. It took away the pain, and the anxiety of having to look for more work or settle for something that paid a lot less Big ol pity party for myself. I had checked out of life in general
May of this year my brother took me out and said the family was worried about me, and that my wife had approached him saying that she felt we were growing apart. He and his wife also noticed when she went out she was dressed to the nines, no wedding ring new fake eyelashes etc, just for grabbing groceries. She was working out excessively, Lacrosse, swimming, biking you name it. Kids and I hardly saw her, but I was in a fog.
I went home that night said I realized ive been messed up and want things between us to get better
May 4th decided to look at her phone, found out she was having a friendly chat that was leaning towards an EA with a guy from the gym. I talked with her calmly the next morning and said I knew she was unhappy and asked if she was talking with any other guys, she denied obviously.
Next day at the kids soccer game I noticed she had put a password on her phone, I took her aside and called her out on it very calmly even tho I was boiling. She denied anything said they were just friends dadadada. I left had a huge chat with my bro explaining everything. She ended up calling me later wanting to meet up we had a chat, she sent this guy a FB message and said the way he was talking was inappropriate and blocked him and changed gyms ( still blocked as of beginning of July)
We agreed to work on things, endorphins were pumping. Figured it was easy street from there. Started MC, things were good for 3 weeks....then noticed her pulling back and distant. Started applying pressure, all the crap you're not supposed to do.
Asked if she might be depressed or having Peri-menopause, she said no ( now she is on meds for depression)
Told her to take some time at her Aunts, she left for 3 days and then came back deciding to stay in our travel trailer...Im thinking great.
We start doing things again together, riding, hanging with the kids, eating together and getting physical.
I think I really buggered the next part up...when I saw her on her phone this intense feeling of jealousy would kick in. It was consuming me. Never was a jealous guy before. Next thing you know I am all about figuring where she is at all times, she didnt know of course but it was all I could think about.
I told her I thought it would be a good idea to take the space she wanted at her dads place, she was planning on doing it anyhow. So she left July 26th, and I gotta say its been tough she calls the kids and I thought we would have a chat...nothin much since.
Ive been trying 180s since and focusing on detaching GAL etc. Ive been sober for almost 4 months now and have dropped 70lbs, working out etc. And most importantly focusing on the kids and enjoying
Thats the nuts and bolts, Im sure there is more, didn't want to write a novel just yet.
But there are a couple things bugging me and Im not sure how to handle, so im looking for some advice.
She is going to her cousins engagement party this upcoming weekend, she didnt ask me to go..I get it, dont like it tho Now she wants to put together my 40th Bday party in September. Im super confused about that.
And how bad did I screw up by asking her to take time at her dads, cant say I feel good about that, but I sure do feel better not seeing her all the time with her phone in her hand.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello and welcome! Am I correct in that you have not been BD'd? I didn't see any mention of it. Sounds like it may be imminent though.
Originally Posted by Buckhorn
3 years ago injured myself at work high paying job..off work on longterm disability until Oct 2018. During that period I got better but was drinking way too much basically self medicating. It took away the pain, and the anxiety of having to look for more work or settle for something that paid a lot less Big ol pity party for myself. I had checked out of life in general
Sounds like you've done a 180 on your personal fitness so that's great. What about the job situation? Are you employed?
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I went home that night said I realized ive been messed up and want things between us to get better
Did you talk to her about this or this was an internal dialog?
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She ended up calling me later wanting to meet up we had a chat, she sent this guy a FB message and said the way he was talking was inappropriate and blocked him and changed gyms ( still blocked as of beginning of July)
Well that's a good sign. But you can't resolve things by constantly spying on her and confronting her, right? You've also got to make yourself the "better option" so that she doesn't feel the need to do those things anymore.
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Asked if she might be depressed or having Peri-menopause, she said no ( now she is on meds for depression)
Why in the world would you ask her that? Is it not obvious to you why she pulled away? Reading your first post it's pretty obvious to me. You were injured, lost your job, started drinking heavily, checked out of your family. THAT is the problem. Making statements like the above will sound to her like you are blaming her for all of this rather than owning your issues.
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I told her I thought it would be a good idea to take the space she wanted at her dads place, she was planning on doing it anyhow. So she left July 26th, and I gotta say its been tough she calls the kids and I thought we would have a chat...nothin much since.
So you basically kicked her out. How do you think that made her feel?
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Ive been trying 180s since and focusing on detaching GAL etc. Ive been sober for almost 4 months now and have dropped 70lbs, working out etc. And most importantly focusing on the kids and enjoying
Good.
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She is going to her cousins engagement party this upcoming weekend, she didnt ask me to go..I get it, dont like it tho Now she wants to put together my 40th Bday party in September. Im super confused about that.
Give her time and space. If she wants to go to a party without you then that's her business. If she wants to plan a party for you then cool, let her.
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And how bad did I screw up by asking her to take time at her dads, cant say I feel good about that, but I sure do feel better not seeing her all the time with her phone in her hand.
Definitely should not have done it. WAS's often feel like their LBS has been controlling and manipulative. Telling her to move out is a huge controlling move, so it just bolsters her case that you are controlling. Giving her time and space means letting HER make all the decisions about her life. You have to let her know that you are not caging her in and trying to control everything.
Hello and welcome! Am I correct in that you have not been BD'd? I didn't see any mention of it. Sounds like it may be imminent though.
Thanks Stander, She did BD me in June ILYBNILWY
Originally Posted by Buckhorn
3 years ago injured myself at work high paying job..off work on longterm disability until Oct 2018. During that period I got better but was drinking way too much basically self medicating. It took away the pain, and the anxiety of having to look for more work or settle for something that paid a lot less Big ol pity party for myself. I had checked out of life in general
Sounds like you've done a 180 on your personal fitness so that's great. What about the job situation? Are you employed?
I am working now, but looking for something more secure right now
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I went home that night said I realized ive been messed up and want things between us to get better
Did you talk to her about this or this was an internal dialog?
We did have a face to face talking about this
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She ended up calling me later wanting to meet up we had a chat, she sent this guy a FB message and said the way he was talking was inappropriate and blocked him and changed gyms ( still blocked as of beginning of July)
Well that's a good sign. But you can't resolve things by constantly spying on her and confronting her, right? You've also got to make yourself the "better option" so that she doesn't feel the need to do those things anymore.
Totally agree, working on the better option now. Since she's been gone part of my focus on detaching is not focusing on where she is or what she is doing
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Asked if she might be depressed or having Peri-menopause, she said no ( now she is on meds for depression)
Why in the world would you ask her that? Is it not obvious to you why she pulled away? Reading your first post it's pretty obvious to me. You were injured, lost your job, started drinking heavily, checked out of your family. THAT is the problem. Making statements like the above will sound to her like you are blaming her for all of this rather than owning your issues.
I know I cant believe I asked her that, I did understand before that I was part of the problem.. Ive done a lot of self reflection during the time she has been away and came to the same conclusion that I was the problem
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I told her I thought it would be a good idea to take the space she wanted at her dads place, she was planning on doing it anyhow. So she left July 26th, and I gotta say its been tough she calls the kids and I thought we would have a chat...nothin much since.
So you basically kicked her out. How do you think that made her feel?
Probably made her feel like crap TBH, She said she enjoys the freedom now tho...I guess thats to be expected If she feels that she is being controlled and manipulated.
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She is going to her cousins engagement party this upcoming weekend, she didnt ask me to go..I get it, dont like it tho Now she wants to put together my 40th Bday party in September. Im super confused about that.
Give her time and space. If she wants to go to a party without you then that's her business. If she wants to plan a party for you then cool, let her.
You're right
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And how bad did I screw up by asking her to take time at her dads, cant say I feel good about that, but I sure do feel better not seeing her all the time with her phone in her hand.
Definitely should not have done it. WAS's often feel like their LBS has been controlling and manipulative. Telling her to move out is a huge controlling move, so it just bolsters her case that you are controlling. Giving her time and space means letting HER make all the decisions about her life. You have to let her know that you are not caging her in and trying to control everything.
Man its amazing that I didn't see that at the time, but when you say it then it becomes crystal clear. Thats one of my problems is making rash decisions...gotta work on the cool, calm factor.
Should I even ask her to come back to the house, or let that lie decision lie with her. I know I messed up...I just don't know how to approach her or even if I should about giving her the option to move back??
I feel like a big dick, but I needed that honesty..Thanks Stander!
I wonder if the next time I speak with her I should take more accountability for my role in the breakdown of our MR or let it lie when or if she brings it up
Talking about it will help nothing. If anything it will just justify what she has done and whats going on with her. Actions, not words. Show her that you are changed. If she does bring up things from the past, yes, validate and if you have not apologized, do it once. But thats it, you apologize once and move forward.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I went home that night said I realized ive been messed up and want things between us to get better
Did you talk to her about this or this was an internal dialog?
We did have a face to face talking about this
Can you expand on that a bit? Just trying to understand the background as much as I can. Did the two of you discuss MC or anything, and was she open to it or was she already showing signs that she was checked out?
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Probably made her feel like crap TBH, She said she enjoys the freedom now tho...I guess thats to be expected If she feels that she is being controlled and manipulated.
Don't fret too much over that, they almost always enjoy the "freedom" at first but eventually the fantasy of being free and single gives way to the reality that they still have problems, they still have responsibilities, and there isn't a line of eligible hot studs lined up outside their door.
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Should I even ask her to come back to the house, or let that lie decision lie with her. I know I messed up...I just don't know how to approach her or even if I should about giving her the option to move back??
Definitely make it her choice. You could say something like "I've thought about this and looking back I feel like I coerced you into moving out rather than letting you decide if it was what you wanted. I just wanted you to know that if you decide you want to move back in at some point then I am open to discussing that when the time comes." In other words, don't just roll out the red carpet, but let her know you're open to it and that it's her decision one way or the other.
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I wonder if the next time I speak with her I should take more accountability for my role in the breakdown of our MR or let it lie when or if she brings it up
It sounds like you've already talked to her about it and apologized? If so, you don't need to keep apologizing. In fact you shouldn't. One mistake a lot of LBS's make is to apologize over and over, and even write letters of apology. It just makes them look weak and pathetic and validates to the WAS that it really is all the LBS's fault and she really should dump him. It has the opposite effect of what was intended! One strong, heartfelt apology is all she really needs to hear. If she brings up your shortcoming again then say something like "I understand what you are saying and I can see now that I made mistakes, and I am owning them and working on them. I appreciate you telling me about it, it helps me in my personal growth." That's not an apology, but it IS an acknowledgement, it's a validation of her feelings. Also note that you're putting the focus on YOU in that statement. You're not working on things as tricks to get her back, you are doing it to be a better person.
One thing ALL LBS's need to keep in mind is that NO breakup is 100% one person's fault. Your W has issues to own as well, which is another reason you don't want to constantly apologize. Because it takes her focus off of things she needs to work on herself.
Focus on being supper dad and your personal growth.
Read this thread and all the threads linked in the first post. Absorb as much as you can. Challenge your current belief system. Change your behavior in a positive, more attractive way. A couple changes a day adds up to alot over time:
Talking about it will help nothing. If anything it will just justify what she has done and whats going on with her. Actions, not words. Show her that you are changed. If she does bring up things from the past, yes, validate and if you have not apologized, do it once. But thats it, you apologize once and move forward.
Good point. Yes I've already apologized so I'll leave it at that.
