I have 2 friends where we live (since we relocated just a couple years ago). One has been amazing, the other is a mutual friend that I have kept out of things. I have so much alone time now, I'm trying hard to occupy myself and do social things, work out, etc. But it does feel lonely.
Loneliness is a big part of S. Its something I keep fighting, though lately I've let myself be open to friendships more. I find it does help - another part of the reason I feel so tired all the time is that I have occupied every moment of the time I used to spend with W. You may want to consider joining more groups or finding more activities/hobbies that occur on a weekly basis.
Learning to be ok with being by yourself is difficult, but you can do it. I had forgotten that I lived alone for 8 years following high school. It's like a muscle - it will come back if you exercise it
Quote
And the anger I feel lately towards my situation and my W is growing, not abating. I question how many more months I can make it, or whether there is any point when things feel so toxic right now.
It's ok to be angry. I would not show that to W, though.
I know you like to plan out your IC sessions, but maybe part of the anger you are feeling should be discussed with IC?
Eckhart Tolle goes into great lengths discussing what he calls "the pain-body". It is all the accumulated pain in your life balled up, so much so that it becomes like an entity in its own right. It needs more pain to sustain itself, so it goes looking for more pain.
It is very esoteric stuff, and some might think it's out there, but I has helped me enormously. I kind of think that parallels what you are dealing with here.
Quote
What bothers me was how easy it seemed, which is also dangerous.
This seems to tell me you are leaning towards standing.
Quote
I am not in shape for anything new either. 4-5 years I don't know.
It's an arbitrary figure. It helps me realize I have a long way to go. It helps me to put a number on it, something a little more concrete in times of fluidity and chaos.
Quote
Yep, that was it. I realized my W was considering D about 6 months ago, but in reality I have unloved and unvalued for roughly 2 years now. It was an ego boost to have some female attention. Maybe too much of a boost.
I politely disagree. If you had acted on it, that would be another matter. Also - IMO - the last sentence here also points toward you standing.
Quote
I wrestle with this decision every day.
We all do. It's a part of the LBS journey. It's also a decision that we make not once, but every single day. How long we do that is up to us.
What bothers me was how easy it seemed, which is also dangerous.
This seems to tell me you are leaning towards standing.
I had a very strong response to this. There is an enormous hidden NGS factor.
Am I standing because I am completely in touch with my values, and have very strong conviction that it is the right choice?
Or am I standing because I want to identify with the type of person who would stand? (NGS factor #1)
Or am I standing because I don't have the self-respect to walk away from a toxic situation? (NGS factor #2)
Or am I standing because I am repeating basic people-pleasing behavior? (NGS factor #3)
Or am I standing because I'm afraid of taking the next step on my journey of personal growth? (NGS factor #4)
#1 is the really bothersome one for me.
Why am I standing? Today... I have no idea. I guess I would say "for the kids" but I think that is not sufficient enough reason. Do I have hope that our MR can get back to a loving, caring relationship? Honestly, I don't think so. And if not, my kids will suffer, we will not be modeling a healthy partnership for them.
I just wonder if I'm lying to myself. I wonder if I'm hiding behind my kids so I don't have to make a decision. Today I really can't give any other reason for why I am standing. It's 100% "for the kids." That's the last pillar holding this up, and it's getting wobbly.
The encounter with the grocery store woman certainly spun me for a loop, but all the above thoughts have already been there.
I’m feeling extra anxious and worked up the last day or so. A little bit of depression mixed in there.
I can’t pinpoint exactly why.
I’m about to have my kids for Labor Day Weekend and I’m really excited. I also haven’t seen them in 10 days and I feel like we are drifting apart.
I have no family support due to the estrangement with my parents.
Work feels like something to fill the time.
I’ve put in about 5 pounds of muscle this month which feels both good and kind of empty.
The men’s group I’ve tried doesn’t seem very promising. A lot of empathy but not much else, and empathy Is not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for connection.
Haven’t felt this way in about 6 weeks and I’m not enjoying the experience.
Hi Unchien. I don’t feel like I have anything super helpful or insightful to say, but I always feel supported when you chin in so I thought I’d try to pay that forward. I relate very much to the increasedanxiety/depression part of all of this that seems to pop up from time to time.
Originally Posted by unchien
I’m feeling extra anxious and worked up the last day or so. A little bit of depression mixed in there.
I can’t pinpoint exactly why.
I’m about to have my kids for Labor Day Weekend and.... I also haven’t seen them in 10 days and I feel like we are drifting apart.
I have no family support due to the estrangement with my parents.
I think you may have pinpointed why I have always tended to go inward in times of crisis, and since BD I’ve forced myself not to do that, for my mental health and that of D4. It sounds like between lack of close friends due to being newer to your area and familial estrangement, your circle is feeling small right now. Good for you for going to a men’s group to try to remedy that, I think that’s brave. Sounds like the universe may be telling you to focus on expanding your circle in new ways?
Unchien, I'm having many of the same feelings as you, it's reassuring at least to know we're not alone. I'm experiencing some of the same anxiety and depression and I swing between "OMG what have I done, how do I fix this? I'll do anything to get her back!" and "you know what? I'm a decent person with friends and family who love me as I am and if she sees me as a demon then that's her loss, I should move on." I wish I could give you advice but all I can say is that it's a struggle.
I'd also say that I get what you were saying about how accidents at her place are not a big deal but if it happened with you it would be the end of the world. I worry that's going to happen in my case, too.
Originally Posted by IronWill
Loneliness is a big part of S. Its something I keep fighting, though lately I've let myself be open to friendships more. I find it does help - another part of the reason I feel so tired all the time is that I have occupied every moment of the time I used to spend with W. You may want to consider joining more groups or finding more activities/hobbies that occur on a weekly basis.
Good stuff here. I'm exhausted from doing so much and having so much stress (not just D but also work, D3, finding a house, and so on). Again, reassuring to know that this is not uncommon.
Stay strong!
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
A lot of empathy but not much else, and empathy Is not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for connection.
I think one of the problems is that you are doing things with certain expectations in mind. Find something that is interesting to do, go and interact with people and eventually you will find connection. If you have connection as an end goal in mind, then you decrease your chances - another thing that is counter intuitive.
Just a thought - have you tried volunteering? I find it gives an opportunity to connect with people. Even if you don't find connection, you have done something good for others which is a benefit in itself.
I think you may have pinpointed why I have always tended to go inward in times of crisis, and since BD I’ve forced myself not to do that, for my mental health and that of D4. It sounds like between lack of close friends due to being newer to your area and familial estrangement, your circle is feeling small right now. Good for you for going to a men’s group to try to remedy that, I think that’s brave. Sounds like the universe may be telling you to focus on expanding your circle in new ways?
Thanks Hope.
I've just hit 2 months officially physically separated and the novelty of the situation has given way to the sobering reality of it all.
My circle does feel incredibly small. But I also recognize I need to create my own happiness and not rely on others. I have my kids this weekend - I need to have a PMA and really embrace it, even if we don't have tons of activities planned.
I'm sure this is all normal and part of the process. The men's group has been disappointing so far. I don't find myself really connecting with the other people. Primarily this group focuses on helping men become more vulnerable and open about their feelings. This is not really a problem for me, probably because I use this forum as an outlet, plus IC, plus a couple close friends... but I feel like I'm not finding the connection or community that I'm looking for. Most of the other men are in the midst of various life challenges, and they reflect back a lot of empathy towards my situation, but it just feels sort of... empty?
To the general point about growing my circle, I think I just need to keep trying different things. The grocery store incident a few days ago was alarming -- how easy it would be to seek support from another woman.
I think I will go back and try Meetup again, and expand the activities I'm willing to try out.
A lot of empathy but not much else, and empathy Is not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for connection.
I think one of the problems is that you are doing things with certain expectations in mind. Find something that is interesting to do, go and interact with people and eventually you will find connection. If you have connection as an end goal in mind, then you decrease your chances - another thing that is counter intuitive.
Just a thought - have you tried volunteering? I find it gives an opportunity to connect with people. Even if you don't find connection, you have done something good for others which is a benefit in itself.
Thanks MLC. I think volunteering sounds like a great thing to try and I see there are opportunities in my area on Meetup. Thank you for the idea.
What’s becoming obvious to me is I’m slipping into a funk, depression, whatever you want to call it. There’s no denying it. I was doing well there for several weeks. It will be good to be with my kids this weekend, but I need to work more on digging myself out. I’m wallowing.
Unchien, I'm having many of the same feelings as you, it's reassuring at least to know we're not alone. I'm experiencing some of the same anxiety and depression and I swing between "OMG what have I done, how do I fix this? I'll do anything to get her back!" and "you know what? I'm a decent person with friends and family who love me as I am and if she sees me as a demon then that's her loss, I should move on." I wish I could give you advice but all I can say is that it's a struggle.
crd - I think my anxiety and depression are not centered around my W.
I am just generally lonely and wanting to be more connected with people in general - friends, family, whatever. Yes I miss the connection with my W, but more the connection and not my W (if that makes sense). But also I recognize I was over-valuing that connection, and not building up a strong network for myself.
I'm sure this is normal... I've been GAL'ing and doing my best for 2 months, but periodic lapses are to be expected.
Originally Posted by crdcheck
I'd also say that I get what you were saying about how accidents at her place are not a big deal but if it happened with you it would be the end of the world. I worry that's going to happen in my case, too.
Yes, I may even raise this episode in our next MC session (we are on a 1 month break, so that will happen a couple weeks from now).
Originally Posted by crdcheck
Originally Posted by IronWill
Loneliness is a big part of S. Its something I keep fighting, though lately I've let myself be open to friendships more. I find it does help - another part of the reason I feel so tired all the time is that I have occupied every moment of the time I used to spend with W. You may want to consider joining more groups or finding more activities/hobbies that occur on a weekly basis.
Good stuff here. I'm exhausted from doing so much and having so much stress (not just D but also work, D3, finding a house, and so on). Again, reassuring to know that this is not uncommon.
Stay strong!
I also feel exhausted. And I'm wise enough about my body to know that exhaustion is a huge contributing factor to feeling down. If I had better sleep, I would probably feel better mentally as well.
Sleep is a major challenge right now. I am physically exhausted from lifting weights, going for long walks, and building up a sleep deficit. I've been trying sleep meditations - just letting them play on my phone while I fall asleep - with limited success. I just don't feel well-rested at all.
I've just hit 2 months officially physically separated and the novelty of the situation has given way to the sobering reality of it all.
What’s becoming obvious to me is I’m slipping into a funk, depression, whatever you want to call it. There’s no denying it. I was doing well there for several weeks.
These are profound life changes we're going through. "GAL" - It's relatively easy to distract ourselves and get into a temporary groove. It's much harder to find a meaningful permanent substitute for it all.
