Appreicate the tips and support mate. I get you on not being an alpha that does whatever he wants. I cant remember the term but Glover calls it something like a balanced male, or similar.
It's funny you talk about happiness and what makes me happy. Frankly, there's been no revelation here, or 'newness', as I've largely continued with my lifestyle as it was before separation, because my XW and I pretty much gelled in what we both liked and how things were done.
One aspect of NGS I struggle with is the NGS symptom of doing things with uncommunicated expectation of something in return. I get really happy with being generous and doing acts of service, but without any expectation of a reciprocal gesture, other than perhaps a big smile and thank you sometimes.
What really has aligned with my personality is NGS being an anxiety management disorder, being concenred about what people think of you, and not expressing needs. These are aspects I need to work on, as well as self differentiation from partners.
I'm not sure if NGS applies to 3rd parties outside the wife/family, in the sense that a 'nice guy' also displays NGS to the general population?
Cheers D
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
My XW and SD got back last week from a 4 week holiday. Saw XW on the weekend when getting my son. Enthusiastically invited in to sit down and told about the holiday, reno dramas, new tatoo, unwelcome tax surprise, o/seas medical costs etc. I displayed polite, interested indifference, asked no questions, and left at the earliest opportunity.
Emails yesterday about ongoing parenting arrangements, as we have nothing formalised. XW wanted more time since getting back, with the inference being I've had S for a month thus she wants a little more to make up for that. I ignored that self serving comment, and told her I'd need time to consider (the old me would have dropped everything and responded immediately). SMS this morning wanting my reply, and I said I'd email her later. Instant reply with 'that doesnt sound good' 'its a yes or no answer' etc. I ignored, and simply said "I'm out walking" - "ok, sorry", then "FYI my phones being fixed so I wont see your email til I get it back" - no reply from me.
I've since emailed back, in my own time, accepting her proposal with conditions for some time with my S interspersed. I told her my conditions, rather than asking if they were ok. Also, I used her first name for the first time since BD. I hadnt called her by her name since I cant remember - we always used terms of endearment. I know that sounds weird that I hadnt used her first name since now - I think it's a significant step in cutting the rope for me though.
Her bday is coming up - I'd been asked to come twice months ago in a roundabout way. She's not mentioned it again, other than wanting our S that day. I've not mentioned my attendance either, nor will I.
If I go, I'm thinking to give her a gift voucher and just a plain card with the words 'Happy Birthday (XW) - congratulations on your milestone - have a wonderful day - Regards, D". Thoughts on this message?
All previous cards were large and extravagant and I'd written poems, witty or romantic messages, love hearts etc, basically filling all the space with messages she loved to see.
If I don't go, I'll just send an sms with the same message.
Regardless, there'll be a lovely card and expensive gift voucher from my son to her.
Any thoughts?
Thanks, D
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Your suggestions for your W bday are good. If decide go or you don't both of the options are good to.go with. Nothing over board and no more LBS Hubby making her his number 1 priority.
Keep up the good work.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Odd day today. Picked my son up and spoke to sd and ss. There’s four of them living in a 2 bedroom 70m2 home. Told them they’re welcome to come round whenever they need space or somewhere to study.
Ss gave me a bear hug. A little over a year ago he was threatening physical violence. Felt good that he sees me as a father figure now. I never had a connection with him and he was a very difficult kid. Some awful memories that are now just that.
Sd called me and she’s coming to stay tonight. Ss and sd had a huge fight. Spoke to ss and counselled him. XW is at some function. It was always the case when the s—t hit the fan I was in the breach. Some things never change and sometimes nice guys don’t shy from problems. Be the lighthouse D
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I decided to come over here from the MLC Forum and post my answer to your about what the word "fog" means when we reference it. The "fog" isn't a medical condition all on it's own, but a part of the depression that people experience when the are in MLC. The symptoms are memory problems, irritability, inability to concentrate, and poor motivation. In MLC, depression is the main ingredient. You might want to take some time and read up on depression. You will see many symptoms of the "fog" there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
XW had her bday on the weekend. No further invite to attend so I said nothing.
I’ve been polite but distant and disinterested in her various streams of consciousness that she tells me about and don’t reply to texts and when I do it’s several hours later.
Sons bday on the weekend too. I paid and organised it. She offered money which I accepted. My ngs side almost said no so i felt good accepting it without any uncertainty in my voice. I suppose i should have first asked for half but baby steps.
XW sent me happy bday text quite early this morning finishing with XX. I was a little shocked as this was the first sign of any affection whatsoever since bd. Does this mean anything?
I waited till this afternoon to respond, tying a ‘thanks ‘ to a msg about S.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I would not read into the XX too much. Nice of her to say happy bday - she didn't have to.
It's like that scene in High Fidelity where John Cusack's character has the discussion about ending a statement with the word "yet" - he asks, "does it mean she's going to do it? Or would she have already done it if she really wanted to?" and so on. Great film!
After one weekday evening of talking at length in our house, then me not leaving to go back to my parent's house til 1am (an hour's drive), my W texted me at 2am saying "hope you got home ok sweetie". 4 weeks later, she announced D.
So I would not analyse it. I'd delete it in fact, to avoid the temptation to keep looking at it.
I think one of the sticky threads says "have no expectations."
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
XW had her bday on the weekend. No further invite to attend so I said nothing.
I’ve been polite but distant and disinterested in her various streams of consciousness that she tells me about and don’t reply to texts and when I do it’s several hours later.
Sons bday on the weekend too. I paid and organised it. She offered money which I accepted. My ngs side almost said no so i felt good accepting it without any uncertainty in my voice. I suppose i should have first asked for half but baby steps.
XW sent me happy bday text quite early this morning finishing with XX. I was a little shocked as this was the first sign of any affection whatsoever since bd. Does this mean anything?
I waited till this afternoon to respond, tying a ‘thanks ‘ to a msg about S.
So wait, her bday, your S's bday and yours are all within a few days of each other? Wow that's wild! Just take her bday wishes as a nice baby step. Like Michele says, do celebrate the baby steps internally but externally keep on DBing! It just means what you're doing is working
