I'm not minimising your current tribulations, but was her arrogance and don't care attitude a show of defiance and bravado (rather than how she feels really), in which case there may be something to salvage after the dust has settled? I say this because in my M, my XW had quite a few of these WTF bravado moments, which smoothed over subsequently.
If not, you've got the call to make in the next few days as to whether this is it with your W, subject of course to the best interests of your D. As you said, a lot to think about, pending your decision. Maybe during the thinking process, research and book therapy for your W then present her with the date, time and venue of the session. The other veterans will be here soon no doubt to assist with the longer term stuff, as I'm pretty new here sorry mate.
I now really hate smartphones and tablets - they are insidious. It all starts innocently, then snowballs, and becomes a fantasy life. Yes, I too had the positive, loving signals from my XW mere hours before BD.
Mate, what are you doing in the present moment? I still think you need to get out of the house for a while, even if you work from home. It sounds toxic there. Maybe take you out ofr D this time. With all respect to your W, I cant believe she's gone back to her game after all this!
Yeah at this point IDC what she does. For all intents and purposes, unless and until she is willing to admit what she's done is wrong and it's willing to take steps to correct it, there is nothing to save. I'm not leaving my house. I kicked around the idea of kicking her out of the MBR. But I'm letting her stay for now.
Things are definitely stained right now. She's ashamed she says which is funny considering she sees nothing wrong with it. She is making no sense right now. So as you said the f dust needs to settle.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She's ashamed she says which is funny considering she sees nothing wrong with it. She is making no sense right now.
Her argument that there's nothing wrong with flirting with random strangers--so long as it doesn't get physical--misses the point that she's been deceiving you about the nature of your relationship. Her lies stripped you of your power to make decisions about what sort of relationship you would or would not accept.
CW, you're right. I'm right. And yet this morning after getting up after a fitful night of sleep, I have this down and sad feeling. Up until last night everything was going along so well. And while you're right it was all a lie, I was ignorantly bliss to it. As I pointed out to her, some of the telltale signs were back. Her wanting to stay home a lot. Her staying up late after nearly a year of coming to bed when I did. The PC being logged out. Her spending so much time on the games again. All the markers were back.
And yet we were happier than we'd ever been. Maybe she would have continued to ramp up to actually trying to meet someone.. Or maybe it would have stayed just online fantasy for a long until she grew bored and moved on from the activity. Once again, due to my impatience, we'll never know. I just couldn't believe this woman who is normally honest to s fault could sit there, look me square in the eye, and flat out lie to me. Though she's done it before, and will more than likely do it again.
Funny, I'm unsure what to do next. She was crying last night. I think more at getting caught and losing (she's apparently giving up the singing app and games if her on volition) what she loves, more than the idea that she might lose her family, house, cushy SAHM status, etc. I don't know what to do with her. Will she go to counseling? I doubt it. I'm guessing at her age she is beyond trying to fix things and now just wants to be and to be left alone.
There crossroads we are at is that she needs to decide what she wants. If she is willing to put in work and effort to rebuild trust, to commit back to the marriage, and give up her secret life, then I might be able to get onboard. If she wants this all to sweep back under the rug, and for life to go on as normal, I'm afraid I'm past that option this time.
In the previous events I was an awful husband that deserved what he got. This time I was doing everything right. And I still got burned.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve I’m sorry about this. I’m wondering if your wife simply has reached a stage where she just doesn’t want to be married and just wants a fantasy life? I say that because despite your growth and transformation, her chosen behaviour persists. What more could you do mate?
As to what to do, I was just reading today an excellent piece from robx quoted by r2c about a speech concerning trust and choice which you may wish to read and modify and deliver to your wife. I think it was in r2cs sticky quotes thread.
Keep your chin up mate.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Steve I’m sorry about this. I’m wondering if your wife simply has reached a stage where she just doesn’t want to be married and just wants a fantasy life? I say that because despite your growth and transformation, her chosen behaviour persists. What more could you do mate?
With WWs, it is all about the fantasy... They have their heads in the clouds and don't think or care about the consequences... Until they happen and they feel the sting of loss. The scourge that is the internet age, and social media, and online gaming is tailor-made to encourage and enable this behavior... It's like the introduction of crack was to cocaine.
I really hope sandi2 chimes in here, but I am afraid Steve's WW, and his MR, may be a lost cause unless she gets a wake up call. No way she can have the respect for him a woman requires to be truly bonded to a man in love/matrimony while she is engaging in this behavior... Especially now that she knows that HE knows...
Last edited by hoosjim; 08/28/1911:49 AM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Again so sorry you're going through this once more.
I'm newer here, but I've always used blatant honesty in approaching my W during this time. It has gotten me hellfire and brimstone raining down, but i didn't care - if I wanted to know I asked or told anyway and suffered the consequences.
I can't tell you what to do, and I wouldn't think to do that. But you might consider laying it all out on the table. I think there has to be a real danger of loss.
Whether she absorbs it or not is up to her, but I think at this point it will at least give you peace of mind in knowing you did everything you possibly could and said everything you possibly could.
Wish I could help more - hopefully some of the vets will chime.in here with more advice.
What's the difference between her addiction to this and someone else's addiction to cocaine? I mean, how would you handle it if you came to realize she was a drug addict? Would you set boundaries and try to help her? Detox/therapy or else we're done?
To me, this seems like it's an addiction for her and it's separate from how she feels about you. She can love you and still be addicted to her apps/games.
It doesn't mean you need to put up with it or deserve this but maybe the soft firm approach of "I love you and want you to be happy but your behaviour is destructive to our family. I hope you choose to go to therapy because otherwise I won't stand for this in our marriage. I'll support you through this if you choose to get help."
This is tough. I hope you guys can work through this together.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Had brief interaction with her before I left for work. She's being a little more contrite than last night. Admitting that I've been "amazing". All I can think is that I'm not good enough in some way for her.
Last night she guessed how I knew. Asked me if I went into her email on her tablet. I responded with "Does that really matter?" I knew she would put it together. I segued this into telling her I should have insisted on full transparency after our sitch last year.
Oh I pointed out that she had looked it of the PC, and that was a red flag for me. She tried to insist she hasn't been logged into the PC since we moved. I calmly pointed out that wasn't true. That in fact I had gone on the PC in recent months and checked up on her. Even told her one thing I had found that was very innocent. But to let her know it had been open for a longtime.
This morning she said she is going to open everything up for transparency. I can see her going through the stages. Last night was denial and anger. This morning grief and sadness, moving into acceptance. I've told her to use the HSA and schedule therapy. She hasn't committed to that yet, and frankly I don't trust her follow through on that. We'll see.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Man I’m sorry you are going through this again. I have been a proponent for the last 2-3 years that for there to be a true reconciliation the WWs need to go out on their own to realize their fantasy land is just a fantasy and not a reality. Until then they will always wonder.
Sounds like she’s mad she got caught.
I wouldn’t blame you if you were done. Three strikes and your out.
