Steve, Just caught up on your thread. Sorry you are going through this.
I know your sitch [censored] and it is hard for you to not get emotional about this but reading through your thread, I feel you are trying too hard and that is very unattractive (sorry for the 2x4). You have already confronted her, so IMHO it may help to take a step back and not talk to her about this for a couple of days. Tell her she broke your trust and you need time to process what happened before further conversation. Don't have any R talks for a few days and do things by yourself. You need to show you are alpha and disrespecting your boundaries is not something trivial. Let the tension between you subside first before you talk about the sitch with her. I feel that talking when things are tense will only be counterproductive.
Good advice. I've done a great job venting here and not to her. And believe it or not I've been emotionally even through all of this, especially in my interactions with her.
Empathy is something new for me. In my first two sitches I was sad for me. This time I'm sad for her. She has a problem, there is no doubt about that.
You made great points otherwise, and if I can ever trust her again is the real question.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Start a new thread and link both of them together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know your sitch [censored] and it is hard for you to not get emotional about this but reading through your thread, I feel you are trying too hard and that is very unattractive (sorry for the 2x4). You have already confronted her, so IMHO it may help to take a step back and not talk to her about this for a couple of days. Tell her she broke your trust and you need time to process what happened before further conversation. Don't have any R talks for a few days and do things by yourself. You need to show you are alpha and disrespecting your boundaries is not something trivial. Let the tension between you subside first before you talk about the sitch with her. I feel that talking when things are tense will only be counterproductive.
^^^I agree with this.
Even if this is no longer fullblown waywardness but just a "slip"... though from her initial reaction it sounds like more than that... she needs to know that this is not trivial... that your trust will not so easily be gained. She should have to work for it.
And as to your worries about pushing her towards a PA.... don't. You may actually push her that way by smothering her with attention and being too accessible. If she is inclined to have a PA she is going to have a PA... and you'll be better off without her. The best thing you can do is be the best, strongest, most alpha "Steve" you can be right now... and that's probably also the best thing you can do for her. Pursuit/Distance, and you'll never be more attractive than when she thinks she might lose you. In fact, in my experience it may be helpful for a W, especially a formerly WW, to always have that possibility (losing you) in the backs of their minds... not front and center, but somewhere back in there. The pain of loss or of near loss likely accomplishes that JMHO...
One more thought... if you do decide to eventually take her back (and i can't say strongly enough that i don't think you should be too "quick" to do so, but make her wait a bit) that you need to be crystal clear about boundaries and that this is a zero-tolerance situation going forward... and you need to be willing to act on that when you say it because she will be able to tell if you're not. (And this is another place where actually seeing you walk away and thinking she's lost you at some point can come in helpful).
Got through your first post. Couple things. I think she did give up her WW ways. I think this is a relapse. I had access to her PC. I could see her phone activity through her PC. She was really doing well.
About the time things starting getting weird was when her parents were here for several weeks. She doesn't get along with them for various reasons, and then seems she buried herself in her phone. Online games mainly since she won't sing of anyone else is around. This is when the PC ended up logged out. I'd say she started relapsing end of May, begging of June.
Our sex life up to then was amazing. Best it had been since early in our relationship. And while she had been resistant to open mouth kissing, even that changed, right before she staying relapsing. In fact, she kissed me deeply during sex Monday morning. To the point where I reminded her I was fighting a sore throat and we may want to avoid that.
I remember details of your sitch. My memory is a curse that way. For instance, I remember you had bugged her room! I'm also a recovering alcoholic, I've been clean and sober for 25 years now. So yeah I get addiction.
The one area that is different this time is that I am willing to blow it all up. She's given in to full transparency of her own volition. She gave up the offending apps. If she gets into IC then I'm willing to try to rebuild trust with her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
