Back when you were thinking about ending I always in the back of my mind thought she had slipped up because I was really shocked you were thinking of ending it.
I understand if you don’t want to talk about it.
LH, here was the start what you were referring to:
From what I can tell, the feeling came from a perfect storm of not getting open mouth kisses, be the anniversary of BD, her spending so much time singing in the app, and just being run down by being so on with DBing for so long.
I think this needs for me to take this opportunity to seriously consider my future.
Last edited by Steve85; 08/28/1910:45 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, quick Q: Did you not establish any clear boundaries with her LY once you two started reconciling?
Also, WRT her (and your) passwords: The words you used in response may have "sounded good",and certainly seem like a confident, aloha thing to say, however... and this is not just me but every MC I know who's addressed this--transparency for MRs recovering from infidelity is crucial. It's not about monitoring or snooping, but about resoect, and openness, and vulnerability and, yes, trust...that you trust each other with that information. It is also an important safety valve, because we are all, as humans, flawed and weak. While, yes, of course, if someone is bound and determined to cheat, they will find a way, open new accounts, etc., temptation and even infidelity do occur even in happy marriages. Making yourself vulnerable and open to your spouse in that way (sharing passwords), is not only consistent with a fully intimate marriage, it can provide a "stop, wait a minute" to a spouse during any moment of weakness that might arise... It serves as s counter to the secrecy (not privacy mind you, but secrecy, and separation) that the internet and social media age has created. Do yourself a favor and look at the infidelity rate after the advent of the iPhone. My counselor, and I know others do as well, advises ALL couples, not just those recovering from infidelity, to practice total transparency and sharing of passwords and social media. It's something you do not because you have to, but because you love the other person.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
and just being run down by being so on with DBing for so long.
I think this needs for me to take this opportunity to seriously consider my future.
Hi Steve,
How are you mate? Are you getting sleep?
When I bounce around ideas of my future, I always remember what my best friend told me just after BD when I told him about the courses I was doing and what I was hoping for - he said that's all great, but at the end of it do you want to be so exhausted by it all that you are just a shell of the man you once were.
I'm not being negative, just another perspective to think of that has stuck in my mind.
Good luck and godspeed! DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Put another way, an account with a password that your spouse does not know is a secret. And spouses shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other unless you're talking about your upcoming Christmas gifts
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Hoos agree. She's never been interested in my passwords. And she had never shared hers with me before. I guess right now I really don't care. Maybe that will change, but I'm also intelligent enough to know this really will stop nothing. I don't trust her whether she shares her passwords or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I really give you credit for how you are handling yourself. Being the calm alpha male.
Her behavior really concerns me, in that I'm not sure she will ever change. She is an addict, and deep down, I think an unrepentant one. I suspect she's not sorry for her behavior, only that she got caught, and I suspect her behavior will continue when she feels safe to do it again.
I wish I could be more encouraging, but I am finding it hard to find anything redeeming in her actions. Please go slowly and carefully.
Thanks Jim. You might be right. I'm unsure how to proceed so I will just give it some time. She's trying but I'll need her to get into IC before I'd be able to every trust that she's dealing with it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve I’m sorry to read all of this in your situation. It’s crazy how quickly things turn for the better and for the worse.
You’re well equipped to deal with this and you have all of our support. You’re an inspiration to a lot of folks on here. Time to be the lighthouse in your own life for a minute.
Take time, step back a bit and always think “is what I’m about to say or do going to help or hurt the situation?”
I agree with above poster that encourages you to take the passwords and check. You’re not spying in my opinion. Spying is done without the knowledge of the party you’re gathering information on. If she wants to be open and honest, go ahead and try it. Maybe she just makes a different email account; hard to say. It’s up to you to give her the chance again and trust her. It will likely take time. Don’t be rash. You didn’t do all this work over the past 2 years for nothing.
Praying for you Steve.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Thanks LB55. It agree that you have to proceed with the gut check in helping or harming your sitch.
I found it very difficult to come home from work yesterday. I ended up taking a long scenic route home. The drive to midweek Bible study was very awkward. D16 even asked why we were so quiet on the way home. W is back to edge of the bed sleeping. She has withdrawn any and all affection. Didn't even say hi when I arrived home from work. I greeted her briefly but didn't want to belabor it so just went on with my normal routine until time to leave for Bible study. It feels as if she is back to post BD Jan. 2018. I've been remaining even, upbeat. Pleased. Confident. But I've also gone back to following Sandi's rules.
She tends to be doing what she feels she needs to in order to save the MR. Again IC will be interesting as she is notoriously terrible at follow through on things like that. But I'm getting the feeling her heart isn't into it.
LB it is crazy how quickly things change. I am being the lighthouse. I'm standing alert waiting for her to turn to me. I'm not unkind, I'm just going to continue to be the best I can be. I can't really DB any better than I already am. I just have to be patient. Not my strong suit but something I'm much better at than I was 2 years ago.
I'm off for a day off riding rollercoasters! I probably won't be in the forum much today.
Thanks again everyone. Support here is great. So far the mornings are the worst. I have lots of irrational guilt and regrets in the morning.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have seen many times on here and in real life that the last ditch effort as a couple is to buy a new house and in essence start over. Once the newness of the house wares off it is back to where you left off.
I understand you may have some guilt but you did everything you could to make up for it. I have heard it been said before that the most important thing in a marriage is forgiveness.
If you haven't already go back and read Accuray's early threads. His W relapsed after a lengthy reconciliation after her first EA.
