Divorce because I betrayed her trust - I regret it

[DaB35]

Hi DS, thanks for your response.

So even though we aren't in the midst of D, just separated at the mo (although W has paid for D forms), don't text her at all?

This is what I find hard. I would constantly contact my W during the day, and she'd text me regularly when she was at work too. When she went away with friends, she'd often message me well into the early hours. One of the things I'm missing.

For thought patterns, I simply try to distract myself. I find myself thinking about something - it might just be a picture in my mind of my W smiling at me, or a nice memory we had together or an in-joke. I let myself have the thought - I don't hate my W at all. I hate the way she has reacted in such a small space of time, even though it is my problem/fault. But I know that i'm sorting myself out. I have hurt her, but I am remorseful. I'm fixing myself which is the most important thing.

Then after a minute I think: "what else makes me happy?" I think about my fave films, bands, listen to Spotify for an hour or so, watch some funny YouTube vids (I'm getting a bit obsessed with Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares videos lately - they're so oddly compelling!). This makes me smile - laughter is really good in these situations - and then I feel ok again and can get on with my day a bit better.

Does that help?

[DS9]

Thanks Dan that helps mate. I think my struggle is I’m still foolishly trying to work out what went wrong and why my sitch happened.

Yes I wouldn’t text. That’s pressure potentially. Wait till she texts you. It’s part of the mantra in letting her go to get her back.I know it’s hard mate. I went from multiple multiple texts per day to basically zero, unless it was my XW asking me to do something.

[DaB35]

Yes I have read about let her go to get her back. It was one of the most difficult things.

Reminds me of Red's monologue at the end of The Shawshank Redemption - "some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone."

That's basically how I feel about my W. She is a very brightly coloured bird, a force of nature indeed. The house is empty without her; the house itself feels sad without both of us in it.

It will be natural to doubt yourself during the "let her go" thing. I have kept the pressure off recently certainly. It's been hard. She's injured herself physically recently (had a fall in the house and hurt her shoulder) so I'm of course worried about that. It feels uncaring not texting her about that.

I know what went wrong - listening to No More Mr Nice Guy really hit home why I'd been acting the way I have.
My IC is really useful too - should be resuming that next month when my therapist gets back from holiday.

Just find help from all angles. That really assisted me in pushing forward with GAL.

[DaB35]

After work, got into my parents' house and there was a letter for me.
It was the divorce petition.

Really hit me hard.

Not sure if it's different for US users, but in the UK the person requesting the filing must 'apply' online. THey have to give a broad reason (in this case "unreasonable behaivour") and then give 4-5 paragraphs of why.
So my wife described my porn addiction in detail and what I'd done. It was horrible. I cried as she laid out in cold typed words what I'd done. I felt sick.

I then hated myself. I had a brief thought of committing suicide (mainly as if I did, my W would get the life insurance money and could pay off the mortgage). But then I immediately snapped out of it - I thought of my parents, my sister, my friends.

I have 7 days to respond by entering an online code saying I agree with the divorce.

Horrible end to an otherwise ok day.

[AnotherStander]

Very sorry Dan, that does sound like a gut punch. I don't think your W was being vindictive, but rather just following the letter of the law. Here in the US typically the reason given is just "irreconcilable differences" and no further explanation is needed. Most states here are "no fault" when it comes to D, which means the courts don't even consider whose "fault" it might be, they are strictly interested in equitable splitting of marital assets. The reason for this is the courts used to get very bogged down in "he said she said". So for example, a man might file saying his wife had an affair, but then she counters that he was emotionally unavailable which pushed her into the affair, then he would argue back that he was unavailable because she quit having sex and back and forth it would go. The courts would get overwhelmed trying to sort it all out, so now most of them just don't. Anyway stay strong, getting served is a 2nd BD for sure but it all gets better from here I promise.

[DaB35]

Thanks.

It's so hard. I keep fantasising about a text appearing on my phone from my W which says "I've been thinking. I think I've over-reacted. Can we talk?"

Yes she isn't being vindictive at all. It just is what you have to do in the UK.

These 7 days will be very hard. I might wait until the last day. I just want some time to think about it. This is worse than the email I got saying she wanted to start D proceedings in the first place. And yes that email did say ILYBINILWY.
She also said it in person when I turned up at the house the day after she sent it.

I remind myself - don't believe everything they do or say - but after receiving that letter, that is very tricky now.

[Ready2Change]

I have 7 days to respond by entering an online code saying I agree with the divorce.

The legal system is all about making agreements. Do you have the option not to agree to the divorce? You made agreements when you got married, most likely forsaking all others. Was part of the agreement not watching porn?

I guess my point is you have a choice.

[DaB35]

Yes I could 'contest' the divorce. But then we have to pay fees and neither of us can afford that.
In the UK you can do all of this without speaking to lawyers. You don't even have to go to court. It's all done for you.

I hate that this is happening. I know it's my fault. But I hate the nagging thought that my W's manipulative sister and her friends have just fed her the 'leave him' line for 3 months and that's all she's been hearing so she feels obliged to do it. Awful situation.

[Yorkie]

Hi Dan

You're right. You'd have to be a loon to defend a petition based on unreasonable behaviour. Lol my H is a loon; he said he would defend a petition on unreasonable behaviour but would admit to adultery; but he is a Lawyer! To be fair, we have a fault divorce system, you have to prove irreconcilable differences; adultery, behaviour or separation. There is a threshold to get over but they are pretty much rubber stamped by the judge. They barely read them. They figure that if the petitioner went to the trouble of filling it in, then they don't want to be in the marriage.

It hurts I'm sure, but it's not going to be passed round the court staff for a good bit of reading with the morning coffee. Now, the other thing to bear in mind is that due to job losses there is a massive backlog in the courts. My petition was served beginning of august and responded to by H in time. They haven't finished processing July's receipts yet.

The point is; it's not all over. It has to be processed, the nisi has to be issued and then it has to wait 6 weeks and 1 day for the absolute (thanks to the influence that the church has over our legal system) IF you have sorted the financial matters. if you haven't then don't proceed to absolute is the usual advice.

When that absolute is issued. It's still not over. There's no time limit on mind changing. The only limit is if you have both decided to move on. In the time that the Divorce process has gifted you there is time for her to realise that others may be writing her story for her.

[DS9]

Yes I could 'contest' the divorce. But then we have to pay fees and neither of us can afford that.
In the UK you can do all of this without speaking to lawyers. You don't even have to go to court. It's all done for you.

I hate that this is happening. I know it's my fault. But I hate the nagging thought that my W's manipulative sister and her friends have just fed her the 'leave him' line for 3 months and that's all she's been hearing so she feels obliged to do it. Awful situation.

Hi Dan

I'm sorry to hear about recent developments. One thing I learned pretty early is that the piece of paper that is the divorce order means nothing, relatively speaking, other than the upset it causes. What really matters is that it was precipitated when you lost your wife's heart. In my view, it is the heart of your wife you need to win back - that is the key.

Ask yourself - would it be a baby step to winning her heart back if you accepted her choice to divorce, or would it be a baby step to her heart if you resisted?