Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2

[DaB35]

She has said that a 3rd estate agent is coming round tomorrow (Tuesday) to value the house. She texted me to ask if there are any questions she needs to ask.

I will reply and get her to ask about certain fees so we can compare them. I want to end my reply with "Very sad about our house." Should I? Is that pursuing?

[DaB35]

Looking at the divorce application online.

All I need to do is click a few buttons saying:
"I have read the divorce application."
"I accept the divorce and won't defend."
"I confirm I don't have any other court judgements."

I can't defend - neither my wife and I can afford this.

There are two incorrect things in her blurb about why she's divorcing me, but they're a mix up of dates so I won't pick her up on those.

It is all so COLD. I'm breaking my marriage up literally at the click of a button.
It's horrible.

I do want things to work out but my W is so adamant about this. I can't understand how she's decided in less than 12 weeks that she would prefer to lose our house, our security, and everything we've built for 8 years. It's the 'easy option' for her, to walk away. She would rather not try. This is what hurts me the most. Although I'm the one in the wrong entirely, SHE is the one who has given up. Even when she mentioned therapy a couple of months ago and seemed more positive towards it, now she's changed her mind.

[DS9]

Hi Dan I wouldn’t say that. I think you already made your position and deep remorse clear. Not only is it pursuing but she may think if you’re now so sad about it then why did you put us in this position. Not judging you just speculation on her mindset.

[DS9]

Don’t fight her on this divorce application Dan. Be the man who takes the higher road. If there’s factual issues speak to a lawyer about how to respond. Do this before signing off.

Remember the divorce means nothing compared to losing her heart. If it’s any consolation you had a good run at 12 weeks- my run was 5 hours. I don’t know the answer to why this happens. It’s emotional and sometimes defies logic.

[DaB35]

I am certain that her sister and some of her friends have manipulated her/coerced her in this.
She denies it and I cannot prove it, but I don't want to look into it any further. Just a gut feeling.

OK I won't say I'm sad about the house.

We have both agreed we won't fight. At present we are being pleasant and not arguing. I have detached to a degree and not actively spoken to her. Only responded to her if she has reached out.
I assume this is correct.

I of course want her to see how I've changed. I'm just hoping that in time she will see this. Whether she regrets the D and selling/losing our lovely beautiful home and putting herself in a very much worse of position (living in a room in her brother's house, no space to run her businesses, taking on extra work she doesn't want to do) is another matter.

[DS9]

Yeah Dan her cheer squad probably encouraged things but let that go. Good friends would have told her to stick with it and work it out, like my friends did. In my sitch my XW told me she was sick of bitching about me to her friends and colleagues. These are the same people who my XW used to sing my praises to and ask for my help and advice on their behalf when they had issues that I could help with due to my area of expertise. Make sure when you see these friends and family you show the best version of you even if your insides are churning. Try to give a good and positive vibe. Read something on the law of attraction that talks about vibrational attraction. Dress masculine and impeccably at all times around your w, her friends and family. I posted on ozmans thread a few weeks ago some thoughts on dress, appearance etc.

Yes only respond when she reaches out. Polite concise and businesslike.

Good luck mate

[DaB35]

Yes I agree completely.

If I do ever see them - not sure if that will happen anytime soon - I will be positive and amiable.

I get so sad sometimes. Especially when I think back to our lovely moments together. It's the little things I miss. Part of me is thinking, maybe it was the security of the relationship I miss, not her specifically, but then there are so many things I see that remind me of her, or I see something and think "ah, my W would love that." or "I know what she would have to say about that!". I miss the in-jokes and laughter most of all.

Thanks - I need luck certainly!

[DS9]

Yeah me too mate. I miss all that too, especially the random acts of kindness/service and the personal jinx moments but try not to think about it or it eats you up. I reckon a lot of this is to do with immediate personal happiness over working things out and having responsibility and a desire to communicate needs clearly.

What are you doing for gal? I’m joining a tennis club this week. Took my sd and s for Father’s Day lunch yesterday and my sd paid for lunch! I find I need to force myself or I just sit at home!

[DaB35]

For GAL I've signed up to local gym (starting in a few days), exercising at home too, hobbies at home, walking, speaking to friends that I haven't spoken to in a while.
Also have had a few day trips to London to see things (concerts, comedy etc.) on my own. Takes my mind off the situation. Might do more of that soon.
At work I'm doing exams (accountancy) and waiting on results for my last one. Hopefully that means a pay rise!

Yes I have remorse for not reaching out for help - she even said "If you had done it in private and sorted yourself out and didn't tell me, everything would have been fine and I would never have known." But because of the nature of my addiction I was ashamed to tell anyone - friends/family etc. I have expressed to her my remorse and regret that I never sought help.

My W is still really important to me. I don't hate her, and I haven't stopped loving her. I am just sad that she is so hardened that she feels it's ok to chuck the last 8 years away.

[DaB35]

I really don't think I can do the "If this divorce goes through I do not want to be friends with you" thing.

It seems so cruel. To cut her out my life after making her part of the centre of my world for eight years.

I don't get the impression she wants to do that to me; well she's never said she wants to in the 3months this has all been going on. I don't think I could handle never seeing her again. I know it's easy to say that now, but we did have a particular connection, as cliched as that sounds, and to close the door on it forever seems too drastic.