When I told her I was going to therapy, she walked around the corner, came back and said "I hope what I did isn't why you're going to therapy." then she continued upstairs.
It took a second to respond because I was trying not to fall off of my chair laughing.
After this short pause I just said, 'Thank you."
She's really disconnected from reality...
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
Wait, you are still considering going through with an adoption???? NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. This is NOT a mess you want to bring a child into. FIRST resolve ALL your issues and reconcile if it's in the cards, THEN reconsider adoption. The timing for that is all wrong.
EDIT- and if you and/ or your W have any thoughts that maybe adopting a child will somehow resolve your problems and bring you closer, no it will not so put that out of your minds. It will only make your existing problems worse.
You need to listen to AS , you need to get that clear between the two of you .
Next , your phone/text/AP conversation was atrocious. O wonder she is mad with you . I’m an easy going guy and what you said and did would have made me angry . I assume you have the DR book . You need to start again with a beginners mind .
The therapy isn’t from what she has done to you , it’s how you have let it affect YOU . All those thank you s sound sound passive aggressive and facetious. You have to stop otherwise you are validating her decision.
I know it’s not easy , but you are going to have to learn anew . Use your mind and not feelings
Adoption first. We are not adopting to help our situation or anything like that. We started that about 5-6 years ago and are finally about to finish our planned second and last adoption. I know you don't agree. Many may not. We've had our son since he was five days old. He's now almost 18 mos old. He's our son. He's not going anywhere. There's no violence in the home, no addiction, no arguing in front of the kids etc. He will end up in an amicable visitation at least and with both of us if there is an R. The is no way he's going into the foster system. He would be better off even if the relationship between us was strained forever. If you knew the foster system (you may) you'd probably agree in spite of what this looks like. I fully understand the possible legal and personal ramifications of this decision.
As far as the call goes...
I have the book. I'm not all the way through it. I've been reading here and I feel nothing but being a beginner. A bad one apparently. I thought I did halfway decent. Hmmmmm. I must be missing something. Back to the validation page. I started IC yesterday and told the therapist that I'm the person who controls my feelings. I fully beleive that and agree. Although I'm super angry, I'm not letting that come our in mannerisms that I know of. I've not said anything in anger or an angry tone. Just basically stoic. Maybe too direct. I'll read more and start again.
IC went well. She's not a marriage counselor but I think I need more general work on myself than that. So I'm good with what her plans are to help with the shortcomings my W identified that she needed from me before we got here.
Initially, before I decided not to expose, I told the W that I wanted to tell her sister so I could have someone to talk to about this. I didn't.
I got home yesterday and My W had come home early. She left right after to go talk to her sister.
After the W came home, (she was still pissed) I called her sis and asked if she was OK and if she had told her anything she didn't know already. She said that the W had told her that there was "someone else". We kept the conversation going and as we were talking, I let out some other details that I was sure had to have been mentioned. Basically saying that having an EA/PA was a decision etc. and I had no responsibility for her decision to do those things. Like "falling in love", having sex etc. Honestly. I figured if she was going to make her sister drive an hour and a half to talk, she would've told her that stuff. This brought on silence and I knew this was the first she had heard that. I asked if the W had informed her of that. She said no.
Well, her sister is a saint and is very understanding, nurturing, pro marriage and has been married for 25 years. (A good one). I don't think the screw up is too bad. I told her her sis had been taken over by an alien and not to judge her, just provide support.
I have let this play out, keep 180ing and work on my skills.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
Adoption first. We are not adopting to help our situation or anything like that. We started that about 5-6 years ago and are finally about to finish our planned second and last adoption. I know you don't agree. Many may not. We've had our son since he was five days old. He's now almost 18 mos old. He's our son. He's not going anywhere.
I don't know all the ins and outs of adoption, are you saying that you are trying to adopt the son you already have custody of? I thought you meant you were initiating adoption of a new child. By all means if he's already in your custody and you are trying to adopt him then proceed, that's a different situation than I thought. Sorry for the mix-up.
That's Correct. We've already had him for close to 18 months and have had custody of him since he was five days old. He bonded with us DD 2.5 also adopted, W and I as an infant. He's her little brother from other bio parents. That's why he's not going anywhere.
Now, he's an 18 month old wrecking ball.
BTW. I would've said the same thing.
With the adoption coming up and all of the family coming from everywhere, it's an emotion factory around here right now.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
Good Morning. CW I’m going running right after I post this. I’m going to cook breakfast for my rats. The W will eat too probably. I’m taking the kids to a music festival shortly after that. I invited the W. She said she would go then said she wouldn’t because after that she asked me what I was doing tonight. I told her I was going back to watch my friend’s band. She then said forget it, she wasn’t going. I said ok. She then said, have fun getting laid. I wish... I didn’t say anything after that. There’ll be no getting laid for sometime yet one way or the other. My brain can’t handle it. It wouldn’t help my sitch at all. On a side note... I was looking at the law here and adultery is a felony. WOW! It can be charged by the spouse. Not doing it but that’s freakin mid evil...
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
I'm trying to detach, do 180s and validate her feelings during conversations etc. all while feeling like she's on another planet in her mind.
Yesterday, she wanted to "talk to me". Without getting into details of every subject. I'll just say up front that I did not argue or disagree with anything. I met her eyes and listened to everything she said. I tried to validate. (I'm practicing that but I thought I did well.)
I mostly practiced doing nothing so I couldn't screw up. I listened to her whole thing and then I would paraphrase what she said. I really wanted to listen close for a few reasons;
1. I need to do that. It's one of the things she said I never did. 180. 2. I need to evaluate where her head was in relation to our potential R. No expectations. 3. If she was going to accept responsibility for her A or continue to blame me.
She started by saying she didn't want to talk about this all day. I said, "Ok, 30 minute limit."
Some of the conversation was very productive. Kids, finances, house responsibilities.
However, the conversation turned quickly to being all about her. I actually expected this.
I have a questions on what I should do about one part specifically.
She said she was going to counseling to work on her and in the future would want to go with me.
I told her that I thought it was a good that she was doing that for herself but I needed to think about going to MC together because I needed to continue to work on myself and I'll get back to her in a couple days. (I'm going out of town today)
However, right now, my main objection to MC with her is that during the " talk" she said that she had already apologized for her A, she felt bad about it, she didn't want to talk about it anymore and didn't want to be in a relationship where we had to check each other's cell phones all the time. Each other's??? What did I do???
Also, because I spent too much time on my phone, she said she's had suspicions of me having an A long before we started having these problems. (Total guilt transference and rewriting history.) Granted, my cell time is part of our marital issues but I'm super transparent and faithful. One of my 180s is GAL because I don't have one. Having time for an A for me is a joke. I'd get caught in a second.
She also said that she knows I don't like being alone so it would be OK if I dated someone, just don't bring the kids around them. This seems to me to be whitewashing her own guilt and maybe acknowledging or knowing somewhere inside that our main crisis is her affair. She wouldn't ever admit that out loud. Right now anyway. She always defaults to my issues causing our problem and truly acts like the A isn't the problem.
Red flags all...
Going to MC when she is till seeing her AP is a no go. I don't see the point.
Question:
Do I come back to her with; "I'm not going to MC as long as the A is still going on." Then give her the requirements (again) of; end the A, NC (Even though he works there), STD test, transparency on phone/location/money etc. or just say "Not right now on the MC, I'm working on myself."?
Any and all comments on this would be greatly appreciated.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
Still detaching. Trying not to react to her BS snide/vicious/unrealistic/passive aggressive comments. It really is counterintuitive to not try to correct her BS. That is a 180 though.
I have IC tonight. Should be a good session.
We're relatively cordial to each other except when I do me. (GAL) She gets PISSED. It's really hard to not react emotionally. (Internally) I haven't reacted so that's good.
I don't want her to get pissed because it still makes me feel bad. That makes it hard to GAL and not say much. I've got a lot of work to do on detachment. Sometimes I'm so "I don't care." and then something happens and I'm a ball of stress.
Last night I wanted to go upstairs to my room so I say, Hey I'm going to take the dogs out. (We have nine) Which dogs do you want? She gets pissed.
W You're going up to bed?!?! H Yeah. W Why are you going so early? You always go at 8. Why are you changing all of a sudden. You don't want to be in the same room as me? Is it so bad?
I so want to say YES!!!! I don't want to be in the same room! Same house! Same life! I'm sooo pissed at you for all of the things you did!!!! YOU KILLED ME AND THE KIDS!!! But I don't... I say, "No, I see how it might look like that to you and see that you're upset about it but it really isn't like that. I'm just tired. I hope you sleep well.
So far she has tried to control everything I've given her forewarning about.
How do I do me when I have to know she's going to be there for the kids? I'd like to just go do something when I get off work but I don't know if she'll be home in time for the babysitter to leave. Maybe I'll have to have a discussion about a pseudo visitation/custody schedule even though we live in the same house still.
I say I need to go to Costco when I get off work. I get why/what for etc. When I say anything like "I don't know." or whatever. She gets pissed and starts talking about my past transgressions. (In her mind) about me only thinking about me and what I want to do. I know I'm not supposed to say anything but crap, how am I supposed to make sure the kids are OK?
Then when she calms down she says (normally) "Why don't we go with the kids? It'll be fun." I say "What for?" W "Just to look around." Costco is a GAL activity for me. I don't mind taking the kids with me though at all.
She HATES Costco! So transparently controlling.
I don't see this working. She's always said I don't pay attention to her.
How am I supposed to do one of "the rules" when it replicates one of the things she's said she hates about me?
Ugh...
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
