Well, it's hard to say. Depends on the sitch I guess.
For example, last night when I came home from Jiu Jitsu, (A new GAL activity) I forgot to text her that I was on the main road. (We do that when the babies are asleep so we can let the dogs out so they don't wake them.) So, I drive my car really slow down the dirt road and driveway so she has time. I happened to have my phone in my hand, my elbow kind of propped up on the console.
I get inside and I can tell she's about to spew but I have no idea why.
W. I know you were on the phone talking to someone, you don't have to drive slow up the driveway to finish it. Me. I can see why you would say that but I wasn't. I was driving slow because I texted you late. I just had the phone in my hand. (Hasn't she ever heard of Bluetooth???) W. Sure. Whatever you say. I know you were talking to someone. Me. I'm going upstairs. Sleep well.
It's the 5th time in the last three days she's basically called me a liar. I've NEVER lied to her about anything but the usual. Birthday stuff, surprise vacations, does this make me look fat...:)
I put that in the same category of her accusing me of cheating. It really pisses me off.
The end of a long answer to your short question...
The next time it might be: The last few times we've talked, you've accused me of lying. I find it very disrespectful and speaking to you like this isn't working for me. The next time you disrespect me like that I'm going to stop having conversations with you about anything but kids and finances until you can speak to me more respectfully. Then leave her presence...
Is that what you meant?
Thanks for the comments.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
She has mentioned going to counseling to work on communication. I'm really unsure if it's for me or us because of her mindset right now. Communication is definitely one of MY issues but it is hers too. She doesn't acknowledge the A having anything to do with our issues. (What??!!)
Anyway...
The question is, do I tell her why I don't want to go right now? I want to in the future but my position is that I'm not going as long as she is still seeing the OP. Is that reasonable?
I don't see it being effective while she's still in the A and in her "I'm not sure if I want to stay married" fence sitting mode.
I'm not playing into her plan B. It's too degrading.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
There is no reason to go to counseling when she's in an A. It's beta behavior and degrading. The only point for going to counseling is 'if' and 'when' she wants to actually work on the relationship with a goal of reconciliation. Doesn't always end that way, but both feet have to be firmly planted in the process. I would go dark as possible, no contact as much as possible, and GAL my eyes out. Figure out your life, and give her space. Figure out your boundaries too.
I can't really go dark though. I'm dim maybe. We live in the same house. I don't ever call or text unless it has to do with the kids or money. We interact relatively normally when the kids are awake or around. If I DB when the kids are around she gets pissy and I don't want the kids around that so I stay cordial and more conversant than when they're not around. I emailed her today at work because I needed a date for an operational thing we're doing. Emailing her was a normal thing. She called me and asked why I emailed instead of called. Damned if I do damned if I don't...
I said it was normal. I do it all the time. She started to get irate saying that wasn't true.
I've already told her that I won't discuss our MR while I'm at work and told her that again. Very calm and nice. She made a snide comment and hung up.
Sheesh...
Thanks for your answer!
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
Going dim is fine. I understand how hard it is to go completely dark when kids are in the mix, but you can achieve a good level of dimness. I did that with great effect and only communicated about kids and finances at the time. I think it's good that you're keeping a level of cordiality in front of the kids. Keep it out of their sight as much as possible.
The place where I had a very hard time, and failed most of the time, was keeping things cordial and having an indifferent attitude. I think this balance is key and hard to achieve, but one can with practice. It took me a while to get there and I still wish I had done it better.
About the email / phone thing, don't ruminate on it too much. Those are small things and they will find fault where they want to find fault. It's the overall macro approach that makes the difference with being consistent with DB strategies.
develop boundaries is probably one of the main things. If her making snide or angry comments bothers you, set a boundary for yourself to disengage and then follow through with action. Yeh, she'll be more pissed, but you'll command more respect in the end.
The main thing I can say is this - try and live your life as fully as possible without worrying too much about her. the more you can move towards detachment and building a life that you want, the better you will be in the end no matter what happens.
