Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2

[DS9]

Good stuff - get some barbells and dumbbells so you can adjust the weight and up it. Youtube some techniques and do it every day several times a day and you’ll see the results and feel even better when you look in that mirror.

Don’t stress about no message. The reality has changed. Message your buddy’s instead.

What are you doing for GAL? I struggle with this actually. I became such a homebody and family man it’s hard to adapt. I forced myself out for a burger at a nice burger joint then went for a few quiet ones at the local. Was hoping some nice ladies would pick me up but no dice- mostly old men!

I’m going to do online gaming later tonight with some mates. I thought the other night how weird is that a 40 something man playing shooting games!

[DaB35]

For GAL I'm talking to friends that I've not made effort to stay in touch with lately. Mostly talking on FB messenger or text as they live far away, but it's nice to speak to them. They are of course asking for updates on my situation and they're sad and basically on my side even if I am the one who caused my W's pain, and she isn't cheating or having a MLC.

I'm having a few days out by myself. I have gone to a TV recording for a comedy show, and a few orchestral concerts in London (going again on Saturday - might go earlier so I can have a few hours shopping and walking in parks).
I am a musician and I write/arrange music so have been just creating projects for myself to work on. So I'd get to my parents' house after work, relax, have dinner, watch TV, exercise, then do a bit of project work. Then watch some comedy on TV then bed. That's working.

I think going to the gym will also help. I've always been scared of going to a gym (NGS) - just the fear of other more 'alpha' guys thinking snide comments about my scrawny frame and how I'll be here a while before any results happen (!). But actually, you know what? I've learned quickly from IC that it doesn't matter. They're not thinking about me. They're just thinking about themselves. So I'm learning to leave those thoughts behind.

[DaB35]

Sandi2, I did respond to your questions - they're on the previous thread. Sorry, I can't send a private message to let you know this!

I appreciate you taking the time to read through my situation. I know you're very busy and in need on this forum!

[DaB35]

Found it strange to read in the divorce papers that my W said "my husband declined marriage counselling."
Now, I have *absolutely* no recollection of her mentioning it, though that doesn't mean she said it. It may have been said fleetingly in the midst of a long rant she was giving, and I've forgotten that bit.

But what really irks me is that two months ago she definitely mentioned the possibility of getting therapy together, then when I mentioned it again in July about us getting some, she vehemently refused the very thought of it!! She said, "I don't need that. I'll be fine."

Other than that, had a lovely dinner out with my parents, sister and her H and dog Hugo (black miniature poodle). It was very nice and we laughed a bit. We didn't talk about my situation at all. I was glad.

[unchien]

"Dropping the rope" is extremely difficult. I've found it very hard.

The lyrics of Toto's Rosanna come to mind - "Never thought that losing you could ever hurt so bad".

I'm quite a romantic so envisage everything working out, regardless of what's happened.
Always have, even with past girlfriends who now I'd avoid like the plague and have zero affection for now.

My W has filed for D. I received the papers yesterday evening in the post. I have been trying to GAL as much as possible. When I last saw her on 17th Aug, she commented "so life's good for you then?" I tried to answer "yes" in a happy and upbeat way. I think she looked annoyed. She didn't press it though.

Dan - you put the above in another thread, but I thought I would respond here.

Dropping the rope doesn't happen overnight. It's one of those paradoxical things, too, where you have to stop trying in order for it to happen.

You're going through the grieving process. It's hard to DB and grieve at the same time. Hang in there and things will get better, I promise. Early on it's normal to be frustrated about how DB is going, because you are also dealing with a lot of emotional flooding.

What you call romantic sounds an awful lot like NGS. I'm the same way, for instance I always liked tying things off neat when I broke up with XGF's (instead of just being honest and telling them the truth). Stuff like that.

I think what's most important early on is just committing to the DB process and following the guidelines. Eventually, you will find your emotional center and this will come more naturally. Early on in my situation I wasted a lot of energy worrying that I was emotionally ping-ponging all over the place, rather than just accepting it as part of the process, believing it would pass, and in the meantime doing the best "fake it til you make it" impression that I could.

[DaB35]

I think that's the way forward now.

I am thinking positively for me. Trying my absolute best to GAL and just fill my time with good things.
I found it scary how the NGS book described me so accurately. I have so many traits of NGS. It is saddening to hear it. THIS is why everything went wrong. Not in my M but in previous relationships too even though they were not as intense as my M.

Detaching is hard. I keep looking at my phone expecting something from her. I haven't asked her if she got back safely from holiday. I haven't contacted her at all.

I will probably send back the D papers next week.

Do I need to tell her "I don't want this, but I know I can't change your mind. I'm not going to obstruct you." Or something to that effect? I want to save the M, but she is so stubborn and has given up. I would still fight for it.

Got IC next Thursday so will have a lot to update my therapist with now!

[crdcheck]

I will probably send back the D papers next week.

Do I need to tell her "I don't want this, but I know I can't change your mind. I'm not going to obstruct you." Or something to that effect? I want to save the M, but she is so stubborn and has given up. I would still fight for it.

Nope, she knows already, just send them back sans message. Move on with your life as much as possible. You don't want to create barriers to her returning but you don't need to place giant billboards stating "TURN HERE NOW FOR LIFELONG LOVE". For this to work she has to believe that there is something about you that she hasn't seen before and you being what you have always been won't do that. GAL. Take a dancing class. Take that scotch-tasting trip you've always wanted to but she wasn't interested in so you held off (and resented, most likely). Enroll in a history class. Take yoga. Whatever it is, GAL.

One other thing I did that I can say was a mistake - I laid everything out to my W's parents (against the advice on this board). I was hoping that they would see that, while I was the "bad guy", I wasn't a demon. Regardless of whether or not I was successful it did not help my sitch and they are essentially not talking to me (probably because I stopped assisting with the divorce process). So, if you are having urges to tell her friends or family that you've changed, resist them. I can't say that my sitch would be better if I hadn't said anything but it wouldn't be worse. Our W's have demonized us, all they see is darkness. Only time and being different (i.e. disrupting their narrative) will change that.

[DaB35]

I had to contact her this monring (Sunday) to tell her what the bills were for the house.
I kept it short and to the point.

Yes I was thinking if I should write a little note to her parents to apologise (they live 200 miles away), but I guess that would not help at this stage.

What I cannot understand is how someone can be in love for 8 years, and then decide they are not in love within the space of 12 weeks. Is this an example of "Don't believe 100% of what they say?"

[DaB35]

I cracked - I checked my Ws facebook page.

Not much on there, certainly nothing about our R. She has simply removed the 'relationship status' and our M from the 'life events' tab. That's it. She has just been going out with girl friends. Few snaps from her recent holiday. That's it really.

I am annoyed with myself for doing this. But I lasted 3 months without looking.

Anyway, seeing my IC on Thursday 5th for an update. I am going to speak to them about NGS and my progress (signed up to the gym, exercising, working on hobbies, little contact with W recently).

[DS9]

I had to contact her this monring (Sunday) to tell her what the bills were for the house.
I kept it short and to the point.

Yes I was thinking if I should write a little note to her parents to apologise (they live 200 miles away), but I guess that would not help at this stage.

What I cannot understand is how someone can be in love for 8 years, and then decide they are not in love within the space of 12 weeks. Is this an example of "Don't believe 100% of what they say?"

No, not a good idea to send the in laws anything. DB principles apply to them too.

In my case, my MIL contacted me a few months after BD in a fury about my XW after she found out. I slipped a little in telling her about some of the details (she had been told a fib about why my XW left) and I got a bit emotional (I didnt know about DB principles back then) but finished by telling her I'll be fine, she needs to support her daughter and not be angry with her, and that I'd always acted with honour and hadn't done the things she'd been told.