AnotherStander has given you some fantastic advise. To respond to a couple points:
Originally Posted by "Dan"
If I had been in a relationship with someone for 8 years.. and the person I was with cheated on me - let's say a physical affair lasting 1 year
I'd be 100% done, no question. You watched porn and messaged women, very different.
Originally Posted by "Dan"
As an anniversary present, I made my W a little gift - a short stop-motion film
My ex-wife did something similar--she sent me a Photo DVD of all the good years we were together. I watched 1-2 slides, vented to friends she wouldn't leave me alone, and never replied.
Originally Posted by "Dan"
I do see how you would feel it’ll make things harder to deal with.
Yikes! She tells you it makes this harder for her--and you disagree?!
Originally Posted by "AnotherStander"
I just thought it was a nice gesture, but I can see why it affected you negatively. I will keep that in mind in the future.
Masterful response--1-2 lines explaining why you did it, validating her feelings, and not apologizing.
I think most people here are in general agreement that Ws reaction seems to have been a bit extreme. So, is it all a bit of a convenient 'reason' for her to leave the M?
Is there something that we are missing here? Is there something that you are missing here? A deeper problem in the marriage perhaps? Could there be somebody else? I'm sorry to put that out there, but for me (as a 'wronged wife') there is something that doesn't add up.
In my eyes you are 'newlyweds' and if she is prepared to end your M in this way, for this reason, are you sure she is who you thought she was? Seems a bit lacking in staying power if I'm honest.
Marriages are full of hiccups. This looks on the surface to be a minor hiccup. If she's going to falter over this then I don't think that's an indication of how awful you were, but an indication of her character perhaps.
In no way do I wish to downplay what was wrong. I can imagine how hurtful that discovery was for her. A bit of life experience suggests to me that at some point, she's going to look back and feel her over reaction like a slap in the face. But I do think she has to fully realise what she has lost. Sending her gifts of reminiscence and romance is not going to do that is it?
Well this is interesting...I sent my reply this morning. I deliberately didn't respond yesterday. I felt a bit bad initially, but then thought "nope, don't feel bad about that. Detach."
I get this response before leaving for work this morning:
"I get that it was a nice gesture and it would have taken a lot of work. I was just hard to watch. I am sorry I came across as harsh."
This is proof that validating works! I didn't apologise for the gift, but she said sorry for her reaction.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I think most people here are in general agreement that Ws reaction seems to have been a bit extreme. So, is it all a bit of a convenient 'reason' for her to leave the M?
Is there something that we are missing here? Is there something that you are missing here? A deeper problem in the marriage perhaps? Could there be somebody else? I'm sorry to put that out there, but for me (as a 'wronged wife') there is something that doesn't add up.
In my eyes you are 'newlyweds' and if she is prepared to end your M in this way, for this reason, are you sure she is who you thought she was? Seems a bit lacking in staying power if I'm honest.
Marriages are full of hiccups. This looks on the surface to be a minor hiccup. If she's going to falter over this then I don't think that's an indication of how awful you were, but an indication of her character perhaps.
In no way do I wish to downplay what was wrong. I can imagine how hurtful that discovery was for her. A bit of life experience suggests to me that at some point, she's going to look back and feel her over reaction like a slap in the face. But I do think she has to fully realise what she has lost. Sending her gifts of reminiscence and romance is not going to do that is it?
I really don't know tbh Yorkie.
I don't believe she is seeing someone else. I don't believe she would have it in her to keep a secret like that. She always says, "I have given my whole heart to you. And only you." She also says she "can't lie. I feel a terrible knot in my stomach if I lie so I cannot be deceitful." I think this is the remnants of a strict and rather strange Christian upbringing (e.g. they didn't have a TV til she was about 13, alcoholic gran lived with them for several years who constantly belittled them and insulted them, often in front of their parents who didn't defend them etc.)
This is what EVERYBODY I've spoken to - my family, my friends, my IC - all agree on. And to most of them, I've revealed the full details of my porn addiction and what I did. My sister said early on, "This is the worst thing you'll ever go through as a couple. Why is she so keen on throwing everything away so soon? It's not like you'll ever do something like this again after seeing her reaction this first time."
Everything I did behind my wife's back was only online. I have never met up with anybody. My wife was my "first time" for goodness' sake! She maintains that I had "an emotional relationship" with the 2 women. She is basing this on the fact that I said things like "I miss you, I want you." etc. in our chats/emails. I wasn't actually 'falling' for these women - I never even saw their faces or spoke to them on the phone. I had no feelings for them other than lust. I said those things to get a reaction - I guess that's the addiction there, going for the buzz of a reaction, keeping it sustained.
OK, perhaps I should not have given her that gift. I just didn't want it left on my computer unfinished. I felt compelled to complete it. Yes, I wanted to remind her of what we have and what our relationship means to me. I see how that looks- an ulterior motive, manipulative. But that wasn't my intention, genuinely. I just wanted to do a nice thing for the woman I love. Lately I haven't been begging or pursuing - although I do acknowledge that gift was pursuing - and not arguing with her. She is also not being angry with me. Things are fairly calm at the mo between us.
She has said that she feels was always the 'leader' in the relationship. I was quite passive (big case of Nice Guy Syndrome here). Wasn't as open as her; I knew everything about her but I didn't tell her lots of things about my past etc. She was unhappy that some of her friends portrayed me as a 'brow-beaten' husband and 'she wore the trousers' - I wasn't, it's just that if she said something or picked me up on anything, it was usually right anyway! We never really argued. I didn't avoid arguments - although there was an element of that certainly - but I often found myself agreeing with her anyway so it wasn't really an issue.
However in June when things were going well, I took the lead and said "Right we're going to do [xyz] today." She was pleased about that.
But in my view that's a minor thing. She never regularly brought that up regularly. I think it's a communication thing as well. She waited for me to talk about something; I was waiting for her. I have suggested MC together. She is absolutely not interested, even after suggesting it herself in June when things were looking more positive. I get: "I don't need that. I've got my family and friends. I'll be fine."
OK we had a dwindling sex life too, but then she admitted "you weren't instigating so I was finding you less attractive." Again in June we were very intimate 6 times in one week. She was texting stuff like "I've thought about you all day", "It was lovely to hear you tell me I'm beautiful so often", "I've always wanted you to think I was sexy, I'm glad you were more open and vocal about it." etc.
I will be responding to the divorce papers today (online).
She keeps saying "It is a lot to lose." "I feel complicated about losing the house." "I am so sad how things have ended, i wish things were different."
This is the most frustrating thing. She KNOWS it's a lot to lose, yet she is prepared to chuck it all away, and i believe a big reason for this is her pride. I'm sure she doesn't want to go back on her word because she will have boasted to all her friends "well I've served him the papers now." and they'll have said, "You go girl! You show him!" She will fear looking weak to them. She is a people pleaser.
Like I said before in the previous thread, some of her work colleagues have told her "I took my husband back but I regret it and now I'm trapped and I wish I'd moved on." She believes we will be exactly the same. I don't understand that line of thought to be honest.
In my view, she really needs IC herself. But she won't listen.
Last edited by Dan35; 09/04/1908:21 AM.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Replied to the divorce papers online this afternoon.
I thought I'd need loads of time and almost make it ceremonial, but in reality I spent a few minutes logging in and clicked two buttons, then logged out and went back to work.
I've read elsewhere that I need her to SEE that I'm going along with what she wants. I've not told her I've responded. I understand she'll get an email or letter about it anyway. I won't tell her unless she asks.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Dan - Don't tell her you responded. She will find out.
Look at your success in not responding in your previous post (about the gift). You gave her the time and space to think on her own. Let her navigate her feelings on her own.
In the meantime, notice how you are feeling while you have to sit and wait and go against your instincts to reach out. Be mindful that you can tolerate those emotions without the same old knee-jerk reactions. I think emotional awareness is a key step to overcoming NGS.
