If you have any thoughts about anything else in my above post, I'd welcome them.
As far as HER birthday, if she asks you AGAIN to go, I would strongly conciser accepting the offer. If she hasn't asked by the day before, I would plan on not going. Make sense?
Thanks R2C,
Really appreciate you sticking with me.
Unless the aim in me going is to showcase what an exciting and attractive man I am in front of her and her select few friends, I don't see the sense. Sorry mate my brain's a bit slow this morning so could you please spell it out if I'm wrong?
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I suppose this is a bit of venting, journalling, and seeking feedback on a very recent revelation.
Venting/feedback sought-
Ive been listening to some podcasts of R Glover on NMMG whilst the books on order, and I'm feeling very mixed emotions about the aspect of 'differentiation' and how it played out in my R - I was left feeling a bit like I was d@mned if I did and d@mned if I didnt, and I know I shouldnt, but also feeling foolish and naive.
Glover spoke of an example of differentation where the guy says to the girl - Im going out for drinks with my buds Friday, girl says ok, but then wants him to stay with her, he says no, and shes ok with it.
Early in the R, before cohabitation, I was pretty independant - hung with friends, did other things etc. There were 2 incidents early, and one later, which I think really had me unwittingly fall into a lack of differentiation.
Within probably a week or 2 of meeting her, I was out with a mate buying him a stereo. XW asked where I was, told her, and she wanted me to come over as she was free. Told her I couldn't, but would be over as soon as I could, and she got pretty cranky, making me feel guilty
A few weeks after, I went paintballing with a huge group of friends, and I could tell she wasnt happy, as she wanted to spend time with me.
In the first few months of the R, I lived and worked about 2 hours away. Used to get lots of invites to come to her place (ie almost daily, even though I spent every weekend at her place), which if I said I couldn't (as I was exhausted working long hours, plus the drive time), she would get very pouty and sometimes give me the cold distance treatment
When our S was a toddler, I managed to get away overnight to visit my best friend (by that stage I saw my friends maybe once or twice a year as I took my father/husband duties very seriously and paramount). In the morning, at my friends, out of the blue, I got a text from XW saying 'pack your [censored] and get out'. I replied but she didnt respond, so I rushed home, getting the silent treatment for a few days.
Throughout the R, I used to get lots of comments like 'never leave me', 'you're mine', 'if you get another woman I'll cut off your cahones', 'my XH came home after an argument with lipstick on his neck' etc etc - all of whihc were said in jest, but had the desired effect I think - they very firmly resolved in my mind that even though I never even thought of being unfaithful, I needed to keep showing her she was the only one and make her happy.
A couple of years ago, I went for a week long o'seas holiday with my best friends from childhood. I intially had no plan to go with them, but XW really encouraged me to go, so we spoke about it, and I did. I got the cold distant treatment again when i was over there, and when I got back, she was very clingy then passionate with me. A few months later, during an argument, she threw out of the blue at me that when i was there I should have slept with a prostitute on my holiday! I was deeply hurt and told her she should be ashamed of saying that to me.
I wish I'd known about differentiation. Again, I know I shouldn't, as the XW probably didnt mean it, but I'm feeling duped, but I'm also feeling like I'm never going to let this type of thing happen again.
Anyone else experience this type of stuff? How did you deal with it?
Journalling -
XW returned from month long holiday. My S has gone back to her now, so house feeling a bit empty. One text from XW yesterday talking about school issue I didn't need to know about. I 180'd in not answering for about 4 hours, then kept the reply short, and didn't ask about the holiday. If she wants to tell me, that's up to her.
Fathers Day coming up soon. First one after BD. Invited my adult SS and SD. Huge 180 with my young adult SS really continues to evolve. We communicate now like we never had huge issues, and I don't eat up with anxiety at the mere thought of him. I credit that to his huge recent emotional changes, and my ability to realise I cant react to him based on previous experience, something I only learned post BD (emotional intelligence). SS issues were a huge source of strain between me and XW for years, and worry for XW too. I'm hoping too that it gives XW some comfort knowing (if she knows) we've reconciled and I'm now there for my SS if he needs me.
Last edited by job; 09/07/1903:05 PM. Reason: edited language
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I had something similar. My W would always say - usually every couple of weeks - "don't leave me," "you won't leave me will you?" "you do love me don't you?" For about 5-6 years out of 8. And then after BD she says she doesn't need to go to therapy...
To wean yourself off NGS - do small things first. Do one thing that you'd normally not do. Might be buying a new item of clothing that's "a bit expensive", say 10-20% above what you may usually pay for something - treat yourself. Or perhaps getting into a hobby that you never had chance to. Or asking for a raise/promotion at work.
Or going somewhere - another town - alone, to see an event. Then post on FB about what a great time you had. No pics necessary - just say "I was at [x] - it was great." Be positive.
It's hard because you want to contact your W to say "I'm going to [x] - would you like to come too?" You know that if S or D wasn't in either of your lives, they'd immediately say "Yeah of course I'd love to!" and you'd have a nice day together. Some people have the idea that the spouse who wants D looks at your more positive life and has second thoughts. Not sure if that's 100% accurate, but for me I'm just doing the positive things and continuing to look forward.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
I had something similar. My W would always say - usually every couple of weeks - "don't leave me," "you won't leave me will you?" "you do love me don't you?" For about 5-6 years out of 8. And then after BD she says she doesn't need to go to therapy...
Yeah, it's hard to fathom isn't it. Especially in my sitch, where my last genuine "I love you'' was literally a few hours before BD.
It's funny you say about it being hard about wanting to contact. I think for me I was in such shock when it happened I wasn't event thinking about contacting her about anything!
As to 2nd thoughts, I don't know. Maybe. I think with my XW, even if she had 2nd thoughts, she would remind herself that she's already made up her mind, and that would be the end of it. I'm 99.99% sure of that. The 0.01% is why I'm here.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I have a pretty simple mindset about it all. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is yours. I own my emotional stuff, you own yours.
Once you start to take control of your happiness, you may get some backlash. You must resist the temptation to cave in to the backlash. This is not "going out and being an alpha male and doing whatever the heck you want". This is owning your own happiness, just like every human being has the right to do. It helps to also have faith that this will not just help you, but it will make all your relationships healthier, including the one with your partner (even if you end up splitting).
What makes you happy? If you don't know, start with little things. Experiment. It can be really really small. I started buying cage-free eggs. It took literally zero effort or time. But the difference in taste when I have eggs in the morning is priceless. It makes me incrementally happier. It sounds stupid... I would have never started doing this until I went through my situation.
I can't remember if I saw this here on DB forums or elsewhere, but I am a math nerd:
