As part of my self-improvement process, I have been focusing on validating. On everyone - my kids, friends, family, and the girl that cuts my hair LOL. It's so great. I am also consciously focusing on asking more questions and talking a little bit less. These "little things" are actually not so little because they yield big results that I can feel as the interaction is happening. I have always been very social and feel like I have had a pretty good skill set there, but these tweaks are really making a difference, a noticeable improvement. There is always always always room for improvement....I am back into YouTube pretty heavily, on my iPhone with the headphones, in the gym, in the car to/from work, while I am alone in the house doing tasks, etc. All self-improvement related. The great stuff, I will listen to over and over, the repetition helps it sink in. I am re-visiting vids from many months ago for refreshers. I am quick to identify the junk and move on, and by now I have a good list of who knows their stuff and I focus on them. Not just relationship stuff, but core self-improvement as well, along with health, grooming, fashion, you name it. Even though there is a lot of content that I already know and apply, it's still good to hear it anyway. It's good to reinforce what you are doing right and identify weak spots that need shoring up.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It doesn't matter anymore what caused your spouse to leave. Spending time thinking about that will just continue dragging you down. Don't blame yourself or think that he hates you so much he'd do anything to get away. It's not really about you. Something is broken within him and HE isn't the partner YOU deserve anymore. What happened during your marriage is in the past. It can't be changed and it doesn't matter! He was willing to throw away your marriage rather than honor the vows he took - in sickness and in health, right? Is that someone you can respect and love? You've taken steps to address the issues that landed you here. That's fantastic. Keep doing that. The only thing you can control is what happens next.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You said “I want to first try to figure out a game plan to get her back and then 2nd find what makes me happy”
You have got those backward my friend. There is no “plan” that will work to get her back
The “let her go to get her back” is the only thing that has a chance of truly working. But you can’t fake it. If you do, she will know and it won’t work.
It has to be genuine let her go. A wise person on here once said “your never more attractive than when your walking away”. But here’s the catch. You can’t walk away, and then turn and look over your shoulder. She HAS to feel herself loosing you. Genuinely loosing you. And you have to be totally ok with that. Then and only then will you have a shot
Focus on yourself. What would put a smile on your face right now that has nothing to do with her. Go do that.
Focus on your kids.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Time and space will give her the opportunity to see if you are the reason she is unhappy and to see if she misses you. It will also give you the opportunity to see that life goes on and your happiness and identity isn't tied to the marriage. As time goes by and her resentment fades and your idealization of the marriage you thought you had dissipates there may come a time where you both decide that maybe the life you had was good .Maybe it can be even better with the two of you working towards a new relationship. Only time will tell.
The bottom line is you want to be with someone who chooses, respects and wants to be with you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Keep remembering this. Hammer it into your heads. Happiness is a choice. Just like love marriage and commitment is a choice. The feelings are the fruits or the results of that choice. It comes from within. It doesn't come from external gratification or novelty.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Your WW isn't going to change in any short period of time. You shouldn't expect that there is any chance of R until you have seen consistent actions from WW over a very long period of time. These back and forths mean nothing. She could tell you today that she wants you and only you and make all the promises in the world. It means nothing. Talk is cheap. Don't feed the beast by jumping at every crumb they toss out.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think it is VERY common for LBS's who were BD'd less than a year ago to say they are ready for D, when in fact they are REALLY hoping it'll be a wake up call that will "snap her out of it". It's a horrible idea! Because right now, D is likely what she wants. So if you suggest it to her, you will find a very willing participant. And that will be a huge gut-punch to you. Then what do you do, because you don't want D, but she does, and you told her you were going to pursue it. It's a lose-lose situation for you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Brace yourself for the inevitable: there is someone else. I know you will deny this, we all go through the denial stage. But all of the markers are there. I am guessing it is someone he works with. I am not saying this to hurt you (though it probably does) but because you have to face the reality of the situation.
My advice? Go whole hog on DBing.
"I responded that I had been hopeful he wouldn't actually go through with this, but now that he was taking action, I needed some time to wrap my head around it. I would be willing to get together to catch up, but I wouldn't be signing anything without my own attorney present."
This response was almost good, but you should have left out: " I would be willing to get together to catch up" That is not LRT. That is more desperate, needy, non-DBing behavior. You should be pulling the plug on all social activities with him. Yes I know this is scary. Most of us that get told this start asking "but then how will I know if he wants to get back together". Trust me on this......IF HE EVER WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER, YOU WILL KNOW. It will be unambiguous.
We have a saying around here: When they want to get back together you will know, if they don't you will be confused.
So how are you feeling right now? Confused, right?
Let him go to get him back. Tell him you are not comfortable getting together to sign anything. Tell him to send you the paperwork so you can have your lawyer look it over. Then just stop communicating about it. If he continues to text you about it, just restate that he is to send it to you so that you can have your attorney look it over. He will get angry. He will get mad. He wants to fast track things, take the easy way out. Your job isn't to stop the D, but A) to protect yourself and B) to slow things down so he can have some time to consider what he is actually doing. Do not actively block the D, but don't do anything that helps it along. For instance, if he says "I need to X document from our files, can you find it and send it/bring it?" Your response: "I am sorry, I am very busy at the moment, you are welcome to let yourself in and find whatever you need."
In the meantime........GAL like a madwoman. Do not sit home and stew and worry. Get out and stay active physically and mentally. Join a gym. Find ladies groups. Start going to church (my favorite!). Also, get into IC for yourself. This combines GAL with 180s. We all can improve ourselves, use this time as a chance to make self-improvements.
And finally study and learn what detachment is and start detaching. Detaching in a nutshell is not reacting emotionally to what he says and does. He could come to you and tell you "I have been engaging in threesomes with 2 women at the office" and your response would be a nonplussed "oh....ok." No more crying, begging, pleading.
A certain bald-headed Texas TV psychologist likes to ask women like you "why are you sitting around waiting for this old boy?" So start deciding what you want, and start going out and getting it. (Note: saying you want HIM is not allowed, it has to be things like fulfillment, happiness, etc. IE things he can't provide for you and that you shouldn't be looking to others to provide anyway!)
Finally, realize that you can only control you. Not him. Drop the rope. Detach. Move forward with or without him.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
IMHO, once the WW has dropped the bomb or the betrayed spouse discovers there is a third party……there should be an immediate shift that makes a statement about the betrayed spouse. He is not going to be soft, tender, accommodating, available, chatty, or BFF's with the wayward spouse who has disrespected him. I suggest there that there is a noticeable crack/break in their MR. That means the betrayed spouse will not pretend that everything is honky-dory in their MR, and play happy family with the wayward spouse. I’m going to stop telling LBH’s to be polite, b/c somehow they manage to turn into chatty bagpipes that can’t find the function key to close his mouth. Just be civil. Don’t be a jerk………just be civil following the period after the BD. Most men want to start showing his changes and dancing to the tune of “please pick me”, and jumping through hoops of fire if it will persuade his WW to stay with him. No, this is not effective with a wayward.
I get how the LBS wants to go into marriage repair mode and “win” back the spouse who no longer loves or even feels attracted to them....but it doesn’t work. Even if the LBS does a 180 on all their old bad habits and becomes a terrific version of their former self…….it doesn’t win back the wayward wife. I’m not against improving yourself, but the WW is not interested as long as she is in a state of limerance. It is not the time to try to impress her with improvements as her H, b/c there has been a firing and another man is filling that position (at least, emotionally). If the LBH will give the WW serious personal space, emotionally and physically, and take the time to develop bigger b@lls (him, not his WW), and lets her face some consequences that come from her bad decisions/choices………..then he’ll have an opportunity to show her what a great catch she put on the open market for all the single females out there. I can talk more about this later.
Well, some people may read today's post and think I am trying to get you divorced. I promise that's not the case.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just be civil. Don’t be a jerk………just be civil following the period after the BD. Most men want to start showing his changes and dancing to the tune of “please pick me”, and jumping through hoops of fire if it will persuade his WW to stay with him. No, this is not effective with a wayward.