Is the rest of my life ruined???

[SoTorn]

Just ignore her reactions. You need to get to the point where you literally do not care what she thinks, says or does. Live your life for you. Thats it. Stop worrying about what she thinks.

[AnotherStander]

Still detaching. Trying not to react to her BS snide/vicious/unrealistic/passive aggressive comments.
It really is counterintuitive to not try to correct her BS. That is a 180 though.

Good, keep it up!

We're relatively cordial to each other except when I do me. (GAL) She gets PISSED. It's really hard to not react emotionally. (Internally) I haven't reacted so that's good.

Can you give an example of this? WAS's don't typically get pissed about a LBS doing GAL stuff unless they are just disappearing without warning and/ or dumping home/kid care responsibilities on them.

W You're going up to bed?!?!
H Yeah.
W Why are you going so early? You always go at 8. Why are you changing all of a sudden. You don't want to be in the same room as me? Is it so bad?

I so want to say YES!!!! I don't want to be in the same room! Same house! Same life! I'm sooo pissed at you for all of the things you did!!!! YOU KILLED ME AND THE KIDS!!! But I don't... I say, "No, I see how it might look like that to you and see that you're upset about it but it really isn't like that. I'm just tired. I hope you sleep well.

Great! That was a perfect "validating" response.

How do I do me when I have to know she's going to be there for the kids? I'd like to just go do something when I get off work but I don't know if she'll be home in time for the babysitter to leave. Maybe I'll have to have a discussion about a pseudo visitation/custody schedule even though we live in the same house still.

Yes. Sit down with her, tell her you would like a day or two a week just to do whatever you want after work and offer her the same. Set designated days, like you watch the kids Monday and Wednesday so she is free to do what she wants and she watches them Tuesday and Thursday. Something like that.

I don't see this working. She's always said I don't pay attention to her.

How am I supposed to do one of "the rules" when it replicates one of the things she's said she hates about me?

This is a common question. Here's the thing, right now you can't do anything "right" in her eyes. You come home from work on time every day then you are controlling and smothering her. You come home late from work then you are abandoning your responsibilities. You try to talk to her then you're not giving her enough time and space. You don't talk to her then you are being cold and indifferent. Right? YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. So you DB. You DB until she gets over all her anger and resentment and hatred. You remain the rock and the lighthouse throughout. Some day she'll get over it and THEN you might have a shot at recon, but until then you're going to get anger and hatred and she will speak in absolutes- "we're NEVER getting back together", there's NO chance this will ever work", etc.

[Ske0187]

AS, Thanks for the response.

Good, keep it up!

Wow! I did something right!!!

Can you give an example of this? WAS's don't typically get pissed about a LBS doing GAL stuff unless they are just disappearing without warning and/ or dumping home/kid care responsibilities on them.

I'm just leaving without saying anything unless she asks. Then very vague. I always have taken care of the kids at probably the 75/25% (Me 75) when we're at home so that's a 180. That sounds neglectful but isn't. She takes good care of them when I'm not doing whatever.

Great! That was a perfect "validating" response.

Hard to do.

Yes. Sit down with her, tell her you would like a day or two a week just to do whatever you want after work and offer her the same. Set designated days, like you watch the kids Monday and Wednesday so she is free to do what she wants and she watches them Tuesday and Thursday. Something like that.

I did that last night. She had a blow up last night and then came to "Work things out." about the one sided argument. I didn't participate and went to my room. She doesn't want anything to do with scheduling. I offered to do a calendar online. One of her lies was/is that she wanted to get rid of all of her Google apps etc. that way I couldn't tell what she was doing or see her emails. We had complete transparency until her A started and I didn't check up on her. Still don't want to know. Now, that's her excuse to not wanting an electronic calendar or anything on her cell. She's paranoid that I'll see what she's doing and doesn't want me to have access.

This is a common question. Here's the thing, right now you can't do anything "right" in her eyes. You come home from work on time every day then you are controlling and smothering her. You come home late from work then you are abandoning your responsibilities. You try to talk to her then you're not giving her enough time and space. You don't talk to her then you are being cold and indifferent. Right? YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. So you DB. You DB until she gets over all her anger and resentment and hatred. You remain the rock and the lighthouse throughout. Some day she'll get over it and THEN you might have a shot at recon, but until then you're going to get anger and hatred and she will speak in absolutes- "we're NEVER getting back together", there's NO chance this will ever work", etc.

Yeah that been readily apparent and once again last night. She took our nephew back to his dorm. When she got back, she started with "Let me ask you a question." in a snide tone. That's her go to when she's about to spew or accuse me of something. She says, "Right when I left, your blue tooth shut off in the car." Insinuating I shut it off so because I'm hiding something. That's attitude is part of her alien persona. (I didn't shut anything off or even touch my cell.) Then, "What happened to being completely open?" "That's you just being totally hypocritical." I just got up off of the couch and started taking the dog's out for the last time. She got really pissed and kept spewing.

I went upstairs to my room to get ready for bed. About five minutes later, she followed me up under the auspices of getting her laundry. Spewing the entire time. I just stood there for a awhile not really watching but waiting for her to get her laundry. It took her a while and as I was about to leave she finished. On her way out she said, "You didn't have to watch me, I'm not going to take anything you F-n tool bag.

About 30 min later she knocks and comes in with about half the attitude. I told her if she wanted to talk she would have to calm down and talk to me with out an attitude. She complied.

She wanted to talk about "How things are going." She says if things are going to be like this then we might as well separate everything and get ready for it to be over. She want's to know why I'm not saying anything besides what she told me when we talk. That I'm not doing anything to make her want to stay. Why I'm I going to IC, for her/us/me? She says I act like it's over and if I think it's over that I should just go ahead and move out.

She says it everything she can do to come home everyday and she thinks of moving out. She brought up separating the bank accounts and other things. I just told her that if she wants I won't stand in her way. She says "I'm not moving out until we get the D." Okie dokie then...

She basically indicated that she was still blaming me, she was still focused on herself and that my 180s/detaching is noticeable.

I basically validated where I could didn't say a lot when I couldn't validate and brought up the schedule.

She's loony right now.

[Ske0187]

I have a dilemma coming up. I have to qualify with a firearm every quarter. The W and her AP are instructors who will be running the qualification. I will actually have to see them both at the same time. I have no other choice.

What the best course of action here. It's completely unavoidable. There will be many other people (Co-workers) there who know us both and have no idea this is going on.

There are couple things I can ask her for. None of which are really feasible operationally.

I can ask her to not be there when I am.

I can ask her to make sure he's not there.

Asking her to do either goes against the rules here. Any ideas???

Thanks.

[DejaVu6]

Hi Ske. Yikes...that is a crappy situation, no doubt. I would like to draw your attention to the phrase... “It’s completely unavoidable”. Sounds like you don’t have much of a choice so maybe you could look at it as an opportunity to DB. In other words, what a great chance to show your W and her AP that you are moving forward with your life and not being affected by what they do. Put a smile on your face, do your work, be friendly and show them you are unaffected by it all. Sounds like there is a goal for the day and you and your co-workers will be focused on getting qualified. Most of them likely would not notice anything if you keep your focus on the task at hand. Much of what you are worried about is probably a non-issue if you can keep yourself together. Trust me...your W and her AP are feeling even less comfortable than you with the situation so use that to your advantage. Having said all that, I am sorry you have to go through this. It is definitely a situation none of us would like to be in. However, it does not HAVE to be as bad as you think if you view it as a DB challenge to conquer. Good luck! (((HUGS)))

[AnotherStander]

I did that last night. She had a blow up last night and then came to "Work things out." about the one sided argument. I didn't participate and went to my room. She doesn't want anything to do with scheduling.

In that case, just tell her that you are taking days X and Y each week to do your own thing. Tell her she is welcome to do the same if she chooses, that's up to her.

I just got up off of the couch and started taking the dog's out for the last time. She got really pissed and kept spewing.

Good. I would just add that before leaving say something like "I will not tolerate being treated this way, if you want to treat me with respect then I will listen, otherwise I am not interested." THEN leave.

She says I act like it's over and if I think it's over that I should just go ahead and move out.

"This isn't what I want but I can see it is what you want so I will not stand in your way. But I am not leaving, that's YOUR choice to make."

She says "I'm not moving out until we get the D." Okie dokie then...

All the anger and spewing could be her trying to coerce you into pursuing S and/or D, she would definitely not be the first WAS to try this tactic. Just keep doing what you're doing- don't put up with her crap and don't let her sway you.

She's loony right now.

It sure seems that way but it could be part of a covert plan.

I have a dilemma coming up. I have to qualify with a firearm every quarter. The W and her AP are instructors who will be running the qualification. I will actually have to see them both at the same time. I have no other choice.

What the best course of action here. It's completely unavoidable. There will be many other people (Co-workers) there who know us both and have no idea this is going on.

There are couple things I can ask her for. None of which are really feasible operationally.

I can ask her to not be there when I am.

I can ask her to make sure he's not there.

Asking her to do either goes against the rules here. Any ideas???

Thanks.

You can't do it at another facility? If it's unavoidable then just go and do it. Don't say anything to her, just go and act like everything is fine.

[Ske0187]

Hi Ske. Yikes...that is a crappy situation, no doubt. I would like to draw your attention to the phrase... “It’s completely unavoidable”. Sounds like you don’t have much of a choice so maybe you could look at it as an opportunity to DB. In other words, what a great chance to show your W and her AP that you are moving forward with your life and not being affected by what they do. Put a smile on your face, do your work, be friendly and show them you are unaffected by it all. Sounds like there is a goal for the day and you and your co-workers will be focused on getting qualified. Most of them likely would not notice anything if you keep your focus on the task at hand. Much of what you are worried about is probably a non-issue if you can keep yourself together. Trust me...your W and her AP are feeling even less comfortable than you with the situation so use that to your advantage. Having said all that, I am sorry you have to go through this. It is definitely a situation none of us would like to be in. However, it does not HAVE to be as bad as you think if you view it as a DB challenge to conquer. Good luck! (((HUGS)))

HA! Genius! If history is any indication, work affairs are notoriously difficult to keep hidden from coworkers. It doesn't take much to get the rumor mill started and it's hard to hide goo goo eyes when you're boinking around.

Nose down, do my work, smile. Good advice. That's my usual demeanor anyway.

Also, I really didn't even look at it from their perspective! That's fantastic! That takes most of the stress away. I'm not saying I'm going to "bro hug" the dude (or shake his hand) He was my friend. Just a quick "what's up" as I stroll by. They have to be crapping bricks! HA! I know my W will have to say something before hand. She won't be able to control herself. She's TOTALLY stressed that I'm going to expose them at work. I really think that would be counter productive for the future. I know there's some debate on that but whatever.

Thank you and thanks for the virtual hugs!!!

[Ske0187]

Hi AS Thanks for the reply.

Once again great advice. No wonder so many people come here!

[quoteIn that case, just tell her that you are taking days X and Y each week to do your own thing. Tell her she is welcome to do the same if she chooses, that's up to her. ][/quote]

Perfect. She'll LOVE that...

Good. I would just add that before leaving say something like "I will not tolerate being treated this way, if you want to treat me with respect then I will listen, otherwise I am not interested." THEN leave.

I something similar but waaaay shorter. Not nearly as smooth. I don't even think she heard it. I'll use yours next time.

"This isn't what I want but I can see it is what you want so I will not stand in your way. But I am not leaving, that's YOUR choice to make."

I said that almost word for word. I didn't say "It's what you want." She always says, "You don't know what I want!!!" when I say stuff like that. Definite trigger!!

All the anger and spewing could be her trying to coerce you into pursuing S and/or D, she would definitely not be the first WAS to try this tactic. Just keep doing what you're doing- don't put up with her crap and don't let her sway you.

It sure seems that way but it could be part of a covert plan.

Hmmmm. I'll have to crunch those numbers and think about that.

You can't do it at another facility? If it's unavoidable then just go and do it. Don't say anything to her, just go and act like everything is fine.

No, I have to do it there. But....Now, I'm not sure I would. I might have to go there to shoot (My fav activity) and bask in their discomfort. I'm not generally vengeful or spiteful but there hasn't been very much in the consequence bin for her and nothing at all for him so it might be somehow deeply gratifying in a really sadistic, dark place in my otherwise pure heart...

I'll just go and be chill...

The responses to this post have made my day/month... THANKS AGAIN!!!

[AnotherStander]

Perfect. She'll LOVE that...

Hahaha! A lot of times we offer suggestions but don't say "why" we offer them, so let me explain. You approached her suggesting a schedule that was beneficial to both of you and she declined to talk about it so fine, YOU are going to take control of YOUR life no matter how she reacts to it. So if she refuses to agree to an equitable suggestion, then you just tell her you are taking control of your half of it (your two or three evenings to yourself I mean) and could care less what she does with her half. She can take her time and you'll watch the kids, or she can blow it off, not your problem. This is you asserting that you will NOT be controlled and bullied by her, and it is also you saying you are not going to sit around moping at home while she sows her wild oats. OF COURSE she will not like it, but inside a seed of respect will have been planted, and over time as you remain consistent in your ways that respect will continue to grow.

I said that almost word for word. I didn't say "It's what you want." She always says, "You don't know what I want!!!" when I say stuff like that. Definite trigger!!

You're going to trigger her sometimes, because she is loaded and cocked and a good breeze is enough to trigger her. When it does trigger her then just go with the above, calmly but firmly state you will not be spoken to that way and if she continues then leave the room or the house. She's like a schoolyard bully hoping to get a reaction, and if she doesn't get one then eventually she'll tire of trying.

I might have to go there to shoot (My fav activity) and bask in their discomfort. I'm not generally vengeful or spiteful but there hasn't been very much in the consequence bin for her and nothing at all for him so it might be somehow deeply gratifying in a really sadistic, dark place in my otherwise pure heart...

LOL! Well I don't know about that, but hopefully you get to a place where you just don't care. You are fine going and doing your thing and you don't care if one or both of them is there, and you don't care what they think about you being there. I mean in the end that is the ultimate revenge, you living your awesome life no matter how crazy she gets.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Ske,


What works is counter intuitive.

H:"W, This is not working for me. I believe it is best Bla bla bla"


What should you say for the "bla bla ba"?