Whoops I botched the name, meant to be "sorting" and not "sorted".
Journal
So much going on right now that this post will only touch on a few topics.
On the GAL front, I went to a men's group this morning. I'm going to stick with it for awhile. I might post more later. For now I'll say they seem very aligned with DB and NGS principles, but obviously there are people going there for all different kinds of reasons. I made sure to speak up, and ended up with a weeklong commitment that the group is going to hold me accountable to (in this case, not getting baited into text message battles with my W). I was almost immediately tested later today and I have to say that extra little commitment helped me gain a little extra resolve. It's not unlike this forum, with the vets holding us relative noobs accountable with 2x4s.
Then I got a haircut, lunch, went to the gym, video-chatted my kids, cooked myself dinner (a rarity!), went for a walk out by the beautiful lake by my house, sat on a bench there and did a 10 minute silent meditation. My body is worn out, and I'm headed out at 6am to go surfing with a buddy.
On the emotional front, I've been posting a lot recently about my anger and frustration over the child safety issue. I recognize this is part of a process and will take some time. These are confusing emotions for me. Until a couple months ago I think I had the classic NG response to anger - I either suppressed it, or let it drive me to react. Is my anger over the child safety issue? Or is it anger over being jilted? Am I angry about the upheaval in my life? Am I angry on behalf of my kids?
I know that I'm not going to figure it out by using my brain. I've done that for 40 years and gotten nowhere. Thanks brain.
The emotions are unsettling, but they are there. I need to sit and let them settle. However long it takes. Just sit and be with them. Take advantage of IC, meditation, and my alone time when not with the kids.
Then I got a haircut, lunch, went to the gym, video-chatted my kids, cooked myself dinner (a rarity!), went for a walk out by the beautiful lake by my house, sat on a bench there and did a 10 minute silent meditation. My body is worn out, and I'm headed out at 6am to go surfing with a buddy.
Getting a life? think back to when you were happy. Are these the things that drove your passion or are they trivial tokens? If you reconnect with your core and restore your old beliefs and habits you will feel more in control. Best of luck.
Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
Thanks FM - To be honest I'm still testing out things to reconnect with my core. I haven't been in this situation since I was much younger, and I can tell the things I like to do have changed. Some old hobbies still excite me, some do not.
W and I had our weekly 1:1 call last night and got in a fairly significant tiff. Next weekend is mine with the kids, she had asked to have one of the nights/days because her friend is visiting with her 3 daughters. I told her no.
I didn't want to swap one Fri-Sat for another weekend, because I felt like that chops up my time with the kids into 1 weekend day. I said I would do it in return for a Friday-Sun am time slot somewhere else, which really offended her because it wasn't equal timeshare. I guess I understand, but I don't see the harm in asking.
I violated a lot of DB principles during the conversation. I fell into some old NG habits. I want to be accommodating and likable. And I start to think, "Eh, one night, what does it hurt?"
She was upset. I got the full guilt trip: I get Labor Day. She has offered for me to join them on Halloween. I am being rigid. Weekends are her only time to enjoy the kids too. On and on...
But I stood my ground, something I wouldn't have done before. Yeah, it [censored] for the kids that they won't spend much time with these 3 kids. But also... I didn't plan their visit. My W planned it, before consulting me, and now thinks I'm too "rigid". It ticks me off that now it will "disappoint" our kids not to spend time with these other kids. Then my W went on and on about how difficult it is maintaining the house, and how she'll be running around with the kids now that school and activities are starting, and how she feels so overwhelmed with all the responsibility.
And I screwed up and stopped validating. I brought up that I don't exactly enjoy the situation either. That I'm working full time to support the family, going 10 day stretches without seeing the kids... it is not what I want either. That I feel like she has been quite rigid on issues. I know it was a mistake, but I'm not going to sugar-coat things on this forum. It happened.
We also discussed the remote house where she lives. Maintenance is becoming a headache, and I think the inconvenience of shuttling the kids around this year (now that 2 are in school) is going to make things worse. W seems really overwhelmed now that school is starting. I am frustrated she did not pull together her work schedule while kids were off school, seems like it will only get harder for her. Quite honestly forget the MR I think we will need to sell by next summer. This whole co-parenting thing would be a lot easier if we both had homes in convenient locations - and even if we R I don't think that house works for our family situation. I didn't say all that, it was just my impression after the call.
There's going to be a lot spinning in my head this week, and even more after our two appointments today.
W and I had our weekly 1:1 call last night and got in a fairly significant tiff. Next weekend is mine with the kids, she had asked to have one of the nights/days because her friend is visiting with her 3 daughters. I told her no.
I didn't want to swap one Fri-Sat for another weekend, because I felt like that chops up my time with the kids into 1 weekend day. I said I would do it in return for a Friday-Sun am time slot somewhere else, which really offended her because it wasn't equal timeshare. I guess I understand, but I don't see the harm in asking.
I violated a lot of DB principles during the conversation. I fell into some old NG habits. I want to be accommodating and likable. And I start to think, "Eh, one night, what does it hurt?"
She was upset. I got the full guilt trip: I get Labor Day. She has offered for me to join them on Halloween. I am being rigid. Weekends are her only time to enjoy the kids too. On and on...
But I stood my ground, something I wouldn't have done before. Yeah, it [censored] for the kids that they won't spend much time with these 3 kids. But also... I didn't plan their visit. My W planned it, before consulting me, and now thinks I'm too "rigid". It ticks me off that now it will "disappoint" our kids not to spend time with these other kids. Then my W went on and on about how difficult it is maintaining the house, and how she'll be running around with the kids now that school and activities are starting, and how she feels so overwhelmed with all the responsibility.
And I screwed up and stopped validating. I brought up that I don't exactly enjoy the situation either. That I'm working full time to support the family, going 10 day stretches without seeing the kids... it is not what I want either. That I feel like she has been quite rigid on issues. I know it was a mistake, but I'm not going to sugar-coat things on this forum. It happened.
We also discussed the remote house where she lives. Maintenance is becoming a headache, and I think the inconvenience of shuttling the kids around this year (now that 2 are in school) is going to make things worse. W seems really overwhelmed now that school is starting. I am frustrated she did not pull together her work schedule while kids were off school, seems like it will only get harder for her. Quite honestly forget the MR I think we will need to sell by next summer. This whole co-parenting thing would be a lot easier if we both had homes in convenient locations - and even if we R I don't think that house works for our family situation. I didn't say all that, it was just my impression after the call.
There's going to be a lot spinning in my head this week, and even more after our two appointments today.
Hey U -
I dont have much advice to give today. I am in a low place again and trying to pull out of it. The cycling [censored].
At any rate - don't be so hard on yourself. Human beings are not perfect. We will screw up, we will give up, we will do things that we will regret later. The thing is to realize it and learn from it - and figure out a way not to makethat mistake again in the future.
Thanks IW. Navigating this separation with loving or friendly detachment is almost impossible.
The NGS emotions are flooding back. Anxiety first and foremost. I'm more nervous about having said "No" than about all the other things I said. It signals to me I have work to do... I am grateful that I recognize the anxiety flooding back and that I need to just pause and let it sit. It may take an hour, a day, a week to resolve... I just need to let it be.
There is a tinge of R hope mixed in to these emotions. But more strongly than R hope, I feel nervous about my W potentially retaliating in the future. "You didn't let me have the kids that one weekend so blah blah blah." And again my old NGS comes back and wants to resolve the nervousness and anxiety by capitulating. Conflict avoidance. Fear. I feel like a coward. Crudely speaking I need to get my b@lls back.
Thanks IW. Navigating this separation with loving or friendly detachment is almost impossible.
I am in the same boat as you. I am also doing all that I can to be friendly/cordial. I have seen minimal results. She isn't as confused or all over the map as when I was pursuing - maybe that's a good thing. Or maybe their mind gets made up that they've made their decision and that's that. Getting into their heads is always a mistake.
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The NGS emotions are flooding back. Anxiety first and foremost. I'm more nervous about having said "No" than about all the other things I said. It signals to me I have work to do... I am grateful that I recognize the anxiety flooding back and that I need to just pause and let it sit. It may take an hour, a day, a week to resolve... I just need to let it be.
Yes. I am right with you. I also have work to do.
Been cycling in and out of old pattern anxiety/panic mode for almost 5 days now. It cycles throughout the day. Breaking it is proving very difficult this time. I don't know why and it doesn't make sense - my sit is a year in. Why now? I ask myself that and then the spinning starts.
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There is a tinge of R hope mixed in to these emotions. But more strongly than R hope, I feel nervous about my W potentially retaliating in the future. "You didn't let me have the kids that one weekend so blah blah blah." And again my old NGS comes back and wants to resolve the nervousness and anxiety by capitulating. Conflict avoidance. Fear. I feel like a coward. Crudely speaking I need to get my b@lls back.
Yeah the nerves suck. Meditation mostly helps. The rest is telling yourself you won't e like this forever. But, like me, I think you've got to accept that it's a part of who you are.
I was having a conversation with someone a while ago about childhood development issues and they agreed that these things can be managed and dealt with, but they never truly go completely away. We just learn how to handle them and recognize the patterns when they start to show themselves.
I am glad you have some R hope - i think thats ok and part of what standing is. Unfortunately I have zero R hope at the moment. If anything I am expecting a rapid worsening soon. Call it intuition or a gut feeling. I am preparing for a huge bomb again and am guarded like a MF right now.
I can see you struggling with NGS still. Keep going man, even if you stumble, its ok. This is coming from those of us who have very little chance right now.
Big day today with both MC and then a financial consult.
I don't think I can pack everything into a single post.
MC highlights:
- The tiff last night seems to have resolved by me taking no further action. Old UC would have tried to smooth things over this morning. My W recognized she was triggered and it was reasonable for me to say "no" to her request. She still had a little resentment, thinking she deserved it because she had given me something in the past. I held my ground. Inside I thought "That's a covert contract!!"
- We talked about where to go next in MC. My W said she's not ready to dig deeper in MC to work through her feelings about the past several years. Her feelings are clearly authentic, she was not acting. At my turn I said I also have issues I would want to work on with her, but I felt until we work on her feelings first that we will not make any progress. My W said she needs to focus on IC and really dig into her feelings, as she apparently has spent most of her IC sessions dealing with the logistics of the S. I can't blame her, I've done a lot of the same in IC. Our MC pressed her, and pointed out maybe this suggested she needed to deal with individual issues that have nothing to do with me. She agreed. It was a little bit surreal sitting there.
- I decided to open up a little. That could be a whole other post. I felt really good about it, I felt authentic, I felt real, I felt calm, and I had no expectations. I just said I'm going to keep working on myself, for my own sake and for all my relationships in my life. I hoped one day my W would be willing to work on the MR, and for now I am here for her, but I'm looking forward to all the positive things I'm working on and feel like I'm making great progress. I was really positive about it -- it's really easy to be positive when you actually feel positive, so this was easy for me.
- My W remarked how calm I seem lately, and that she notices the changes. Again, I'm not making them for her, but it was validating to be noticed. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing.
Financial:
This is more boring. We are going to run a "what would temporary spousal support look like today?" (using the state calculator) just so we each have an idea. We are also going to establish separate bank and credit accounts for personal expenses. I am excited about this one... tired of having petty conflict about how much she spent on her hair or how much I spent on dinner with a friend. It was weird to be talking about all these scenarios without much emotion.
After the 2 sessions W and I were swapping car seats between our cars. She gave me a really tight goodbye hug. I don't know what it means, and don't really care, but I found it noteworthy and weird. That's all.
In short, we are stopping MC for a few weeks because we aren't working on the MR. We both see what's holding us up. All I can do is keep working on myself. Maybe my W will make some progress and be willing to work together again. Maybe not. Maybe she will want out. I have no idea. Just gotta keep plugging on.
Overall I'm completely exhausted, need a good night's sleep.
I'm spending some time trying to recalibrate after yesterday, and focus on what's important.
I appreciate the honesty my W brought to MC yesterday. She is not ready to work on the MR.
She admitted she has individual issues to work on in IC, and lately her IC sessions have focused on separation issues (child safety, etc.) rather than personal work. She wants to focus on herself again and processing what happened in our MR. She said she's not ready to share her feelings about what happened prior to our separation - in particular when I pulled the car over in March and she feared for her life.
I don't feel as blamed as I did 2 months ago. I did things I regret. Whether they should be called abuse I don't know, but I know I am changing into a person who would not make those same decisions (like pulling the car over).
I am slightly more accepting of limbo today. I feel less urgency. I feel like I got more from my W than "I need time and space." I have a healthy dose of skepticism mixed in, but I can accept that today she is not ready to dive deep.
Even if my W and I can get over this first hurdle, there are other issues that would need to be addressed. It's a long road ahead either way.
Financially it is easy to get triggered. But quite honestly I think it's best for everyone involved to have a clear picture of the financial implications either way. So I am okay with that piece.
