Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Hi CW.

More to come tomorrow but the quote of the night was from the W:

"I've said I'm sorry as many times as I'm going to. I'm not going to sit around and kiss someone's a$$ that obviously doesn't care about my feelings."

This was in response to me saying. "It's not my responsibility to cover up your infidelity."

We're invited to a family tailgate party this weekend and to spend the night at her sister's house. (The sister and BIL know but no one else knows.)

The W doesn't want to stay but I do. I told her I was staying and she could either leave the kids with me or take them home. She was livid. She was asking how could I do that? There'll be all kinds of questions. That's where I said the "it's not my responsibility..." thing.

She texted me that she wants to separate the cell phones. I texted back that if she wanted to start separating things we need to sit down and have a conversation. So we did. She started talking about us being together in the future but she couldn't see how. I asked her what the biggest road block was and she said she didn't think I could change.

Hmmmm...I asked if there was anything else and she said of course. There's many other smaller things.
I was stunned. She's been displaying classic affair fog behavior but that really highlighted the depths of the dysfunction.

[Ske0187]

Hello again.

Friday evening the W asked what I was doing as far as spending the night at the sister's house. I wasn't too sure what I was going to be doing but I was leaning towards coming home just to keep the peace a little and I had Jiu Jitsu Sunday afternoon.

The W asked and I said I'm probably coming back. She said "Why don't you stay?" I was then perplexed. She was pissed that I wanted to stay and then wanted me to stay. I just started shaking my head from the turnaround. I shouldn't have though.

I gave her the reason about Jiu Jitsu. She then got pissed about me shaking my head. I was more or less speechless about her turn around so I was kind of quiet about it. She started acting like I was insulting her about it and started raising her voice. I asked her to calm down and she said all she was trying to do was be accommodating. I told her I appreciated that but she needed to calm down a little so we could talk. She then went into what I had said the night prior and misstated what I had said. I corrected her, (BIG mistake) stating what I had actually said. She totally drew me into an argument. I had told myself this wouldn't happen but it did...

She then transitioned into blaming and name calling. She called me a narcissist and an a$$hole. I then said "This is why I don't like to talk to you. You're just not safe to talk to." She said. Well, I'm sorry for calling you an a-hole, but you are a narcissist so I'm not apologizing for that.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a narcissist but I had to look it up. I'm not happy that she baited me into some minor level of self doubt. That irks me. I think I'm just a normal guy and with the exception of the surprise WW, I had normal guy marital problems. I now realize they were alot bigger than I thought but none of them were because I'm a narcissist...WTF...

I'm thinking she's not telling her therapist the truth about our relationship. I think she's probably giving her the "history rewritten" version of our issues and leaving out the infidelity. Otherwise, she wouldn't have come up with the narcissism angle. She's very smart but that's not really in her wheelhouse.

Anyway, I'm in the "this isn't going to work out" mode right now. If I wait long enough, my mind will change again though. I really don't know how much of this is working for me or against me. I'm thinking it may be too early to tell.

I've started meditating. I really didn't think much of it in the past but it really seems to get my mind calmed down from it's frantic pace so I'm glad for it.

My SIL asked how things were going. I said really crappy. She still wants me to go to MC. I'm not sure I want to go while the W still has contact with the OM. I'm only considering it because maybe the MC would open her up to see the fog she's in and what she is putting at risk. I think it's probably a waste of time at the moment and would end up just being in the "I did everything I could." category.

Time is on my side and going or not going to MC isn't a super critical decision at the moment. It's only been six weeks since BD and my mind is still everywhere.

Well, back to the trenches...

Thanks for listening.

[Thornton]

Hey Ske,

I would recommend IC counseling but not MC while your wife is still talking to OM.

I've seen it a million times where a WAS will attend marriage counseling and then tell everyone "Well I've tried everything, even MC, and our R is still broken. Guess its time to officially leave Ske".

[Ske0187]

Thanks Thornton.

I appreciate it.

I'm in IC now. IC keeps hinting at MC. I've been pretty adamant about not going until now. I feel a little wishy washy but I accept that as my reality right now so no biggie there.

Like a said though my mind is all over the place so it's good that the folks here are consistent in their advice.

Lord knows I need it...

I think my next stop may be an attorney for a consultation. The W has been very emotional and vicious. I'm afraid she's going to file as a result of her emotions. I don't want anything to go through the court until we've both agreed to do it. I want both of us to be in control of our assets not the court. The only time I would go would be to keep the kids in the house but I'm not so sure of that either. My plan would be to co-parent on a 2-2-3 schedule anyway. We'll see.

Thanks again for the comment.

[kas99]

Hey ske,

With a vicious W there is no "we". I'm not saying she won't be fair I'm saying prepare in case she's not.

[Traveler]

Hi Ske,

I plan to respond more soon, but I have a ninja tip for this one—

She then went into what I had said the night prior and misstated what I had said. I corrected her, (BIG mistake) stating what I had actually said.

A speaker has an INTENT he turns into a MESSAGE that has an IMPACT on the listener. There’s almost always s gap between the intent and impact. Instead or arguing over the message—usually futile since even if you agree on words, it’s hard to agree on tone and body language—use “I intended to say X” and “You heard Y”. Suddenly, the disagreement is gone.

[Traveler]

Sorry, Ske, sounds like a miserable evening. It's always easier to get this stuff perfect from the sidelines.

She started acting like I was insulting her about it and started raising her voice. I asked her to calm down..

Oh, gosh! That line often triggers the opposite.

Few things on planet earth are more frustrating than someone dismissing your emotions. This is particularly irritating for women, for whom being called "crazy" or "irrational" has long felt like an effort to discredit us on the basis of gender.
https://www.bustle.com/p/6-ways-to-respond-when-someone-tells-you-to-calm-down-7735703

"The Muse" lists four alternatives: (1) Listen, (2) Empathize, (3) Offer to Help, (4) Breathe.

It's like they stole 3 of 4 responses from the DB playbook!

I'm pretty sure I'm not a narcissist but I had to look it up. Otherwise, she wouldn't have come up with the narcissism angle. She's very smart but that's not really in her wheelhouse.

Narcissism and the related term Gaslighting are commonly discussed in divorce groups. I somehow imagine the secretly cheating partner to being higher on the narcissism index.

[DS9]

Hey Ske,

Can I also suggest you never again tell her to calm down. This could infuriate her too, and she'll see it as patronising. If it reaches the stage where you need to say this, you're better walking away.

Don't worry about what she called you. I think it's projection. I got called a 'money hungry c--t'; a few times by my XW. Let it all wash over you, and do your boundaries.

[Ske0187]

Kas, CW, DS,

Thanks for your responses. Fantastic advice all.

I feel like a third grader wanting to say "I know!"

I read all of this advice on here and other places, over and over again but then once the "battle" is joined, it all goes out the window and I draw a blank or screw up.

It's like I took the class and then when I'm in the lab, I forget the freakin procedures...

I really appreciate the critiques. It will let me try to apply the techniques better next time. (I hope...)

Yeah, she's definitely projecting. It's one of the things she did before the BD. She must have accused me of cheating 15 times.

She was also gaslighting hardcore when I asked her why I couldn't get a hold of her on the phone after she was supposed to be off work. She'd say I was nuts, didn't know how much work she had, blah, blah, blah...

CW

I read that communication piece again yesterday. One of the things I've always had to do is to go back and explain my intent when I've said something that was taken out of context. I've become a little better on first articulation choosing my words more carefully. It's way easier to get my point across if I haven't sent her into orbit first.

"Never tell her to calm down again." That should be a mantra like "There's no place like home, there's no place like home" I may have that tattooed on the back of my hand.

Thanks again!

[Ske0187]

Hi Everyone!

I just discovered that the W went out with the AP on my birthday. She then came home and made me a birthday cake. Sick...

In previous posts I mentioned having to go to the range on my birthday to qualify and I would have to see the W and AP there. At first I was not keen on the idea at all but then I got another perspective and was actually looking forward to it. Sick right...I was actually looking forward to giving them both anxiety...

The night before, I didn't go to my room when I usually do and the W asked me what I was doing. I said I didn't have to go in early because I was shooting in the morning. Somehow then, she manipulated the nanny to not be there the next day. I have no idea how. The nanny's not involved in our problems. Anyway, she told me the nanny was sick and one of us would have to stay home. I was disappointed because of my sick plan but I'm always looking for a reason to spend time with my rats so I said I would stay home. Little did I know I fell into her nefarious plan.

I had a blast with my kids though. They're so funny! (Almost all the time...)

Apparently, they had planned on spending the day together because neither of them showed up to work that day.

What a bunch of crap. I knew they were still seeing each other at work but the whole day off thing had me bothered. Then I decided to not be bothered. I mean, I know they're still seeing each other so what's the diff if I find out a detail and she lied and deceived.

I already know she's a lying cheater. Was I supposed to be surprised???

Anyway, I got a full day with my kids out of it. Happy Birthday to me!

BTW the cake was a keto cake and it was horrible...

I'm going to go over this in IC this afternoon then I'll have it off of my chest twice before I see the W this evening. I'm really going to have to plaster a smile on my face and watch my attitude tonight for sure. I was going to drink a beer but that's out. I gotta be on my game now.

I'm getting a divorce in my mind for the last two weeks. This didn't help keeping my fantasy and reality lives apart...

I get to take my D2.5 to gymnastics and pancakes in the morning. I can't wait!