- I pressed for getting some time with the kids during my ten day gap. W agreed. This was my #1 goal of the session and I'm really happy about it.
- W said she feels like I am always saying "No" to her requests. Interesting because I feel like I am more than reasonable. I pointed this out, and the counselor talked her through how she is likely experiencing the "no"s stronger than the "yes"es.
- W brought up a recent situation where she felt unsupported by me. The counselor talked her through this and pointed out that she just didn't ask for what she wanted. She assumed I was going to read her mind. I assumed she wanted space so didn't offer what she apparently wanted. There was a lot of this during the session. He said something along the lines of "Expectations are reservations for future resentments."
- W started to get emotional and said she was worried about what would happen if she didn't do right by me. The counselor talked her through how she needs to go to IC to sort this out, that there's nothing I can do other than sit and listen openly (which is exactly what I did).
- W implied I may be having "house guests" at my house. Obviously she was fishing, and I was a little bewildered that her mind would go there.
- We agreed to limit our weekly calls to 30 minutes tops.
In short, zero work towards working on the MR. We scheduled something for middle of next month.
Couple triggers for me during this session:
- W said we moved up here for my happiness and my job. This is not entirely true. We could not afford the lifestyle she desired in our old city. It was a joint decision. She appears to have erased this from her memory.
- W said she was afraid given how scary I was to her on a daily basis when we lived together. I was surprised to hear this. Part of her narrative, and if she's unwilling to talk it through there's nothing I can really do.
I'm not sure what to do with all of this. I can't help her get over the abuse narrative or whatever is going on in her head. I can just let her work on herself, just like I am working on myself. It frightens me how a potential D would go, given her mindset.
Glad to hear that you asked for and got what you wanted in terms of the kids.
Just keep on keepin on, do the best you can with the kids, and be the best man you can be. That is all you can do. Worrying about how it would go is useless. If you D, it will go how it goes. You can control you and your emotions and reactions, just like right now. Take good notes, each day with the kids, what you did, etc...so you can remember later when something comes up about how you never do anything fun with them or whatever.
I'm not on here much right now, checking in once in a while to see how folks are doing. Nothing changed on my front so not much to report other than more anger. When asked why I am not included in kids events at school(she didn't tell me about them so I couldn't go; found out from the kids after the fact), she told me its because I parked the boat crooked behind the garage. CRAZY I tell you!
Stay strong, LB55
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Sounds like a successful co-parenting session. You got your time in the middle of the 10-day stretches, and most issues the MC said were hers to deal with in IC--"Expectations are reservations for future resentments." Since she cancelled her IC sessions, I suppose she feels no urgency in resolving those.
Was there any discussion about your reporting your whereabouts during custody?
I agree her fear of you, even if completely unwarranted, opens you up to craziness during the divorce. As you say, not much you can do about that except to be a great dad and then deal with it if/when it happens.
Glad to hear that you asked for and got what you wanted in terms of the kids.
Just keep on keepin on, do the best you can with the kids, and be the best man you can be. That is all you can do. Worrying about how it would go is useless. If you D, it will go how it goes. You can control you and your emotions and reactions, just like right now. Take good notes, each day with the kids, what you did, etc...so you can remember later when something comes up about how you never do anything fun with them or whatever.
Thanks LB55 - I have been lax on the daily journal and need to keep on top of that, as you suggest.
Originally Posted by LB55
I'm not on here much right now, checking in once in a while to see how folks are doing. Nothing changed on my front so not much to report other than more anger. When asked why I am not included in kids events at school(she didn't tell me about them so I couldn't go; found out from the kids after the fact), she told me its because I parked the boat crooked behind the garage. CRAZY I tell you!
That is absolutely crazy -- I also get triggered when my W does things which she would not be allowed to do post-D (for instance, school and doctor appointments, etc.). Sorry to hear you are going through that.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Sounds like a successful co-parenting session. You got your time in the middle of the 10-day stretches, and most issues the MC said were hers to deal with in IC--"Expectations are reservations for future resentments." Since she cancelled her IC sessions, I suppose she feels no urgency in resolving those.
Was there any discussion about your reporting your whereabouts during custody?
I agree her fear of you, even if completely unwarranted, opens you up to craziness during the divorce. As you say, not much you can do about that except to be a great dad and then deal with it if/when it happens.
CW - It's unclear if she canceled IC, or just couldn't find someone to watch D3 while she goes (which is nuts, because she could have asked me and I probably would have flexed my work schedule to watch D3). Even more triggering is that my W points to a gap in February where I skipped a few sessions as a reason to be "scared" of me.
There was no direct custody discussion. When I brought up the 10 day gap, the MC said it was not healthy for kids to go that long without in-person parenting time. My W's response to this: "Yeah, it's hard going 4 days with them. And the 10 days only happens sometimes." I immediately re-directed: "Actually our schedule IS 4-10, so 10 day gaps will be very regular."
Your last point is so right... I can't address her fear. Amidst my frustration and my own fears, I have a kind of sadness for her. She has chosen to blame me for everything, and it is an awful way to live.
CW - I didn't completely answer your question about the custody/whereabouts.
It was mentioned briefly in the session, how my W got upset because I was not updating her one day what I was doing with the kids, but we resolved it without escalation. I had basically said, "You're right, I'm sorry, that is something I had agreed to, I'll do better next time. I also hope we can talk about when we can wind this down." And that was that.
The MC session veered almost into a 1:1 between the counselor and my W, with him pressing her quite a bit, and I felt like giving the space for that to happen. It felt important.
They were dancing around the issue that she mind-reads me all the time and assumes extremely negative things. I was sitting there listening quietly. The MC handled this all extremely well - he was indirect about it, but getting his point across. I'm not sure it will stick, because my W is fully engrossed in this idea that I am some scary monster.
A couple thoughts came out of this:
1. W is not having these insights in her own IC. My guess is she has further entrenched herself as the victim. Not really my problem, but just an observation.
2. It's all fine and good to sit and wait for my W to change (and I have seen no signs to date) and go to these sessions and have the MC point out little things, but I'm not sure it's really doing me any good.
- I pressed for getting some time with the kids during my ten day gap. W agreed. This was my #1 goal of the session and I'm really happy about it. .
I am happy for you! Glad you spoke up and asked for what you wanted.
Originally Posted by unchien
Not really my problem, but just an observation.
Yes, you cannot control her. She has to work out her issues on her own. Just be sure you continue to speak up for yourself and don't let her feelings deprive you of your rights
Hey U - just caught up on your sit. Good for you sticking up for what you wanted with custody - glad to hear it
Originally Posted by unchien
It's all fine and good to sit and wait for my W to change (and I have seen no signs to date) and go to these sessions and have the MC point out little things, but I'm not sure it's really doing me any good.
Unfortunately it is going to take a whole lot longer than a couple of months. I think that's what the vets mean when they say this is a marathon. I think that's also why they say to consider the M dead at BD, and recommend not going to MC. However, if W is not going to IC, at least she is still open to going to MC. So I would view that as a positive, even if she is doing IC in MC (I hope that makes sense? Lol)
Neither you nor I nor anyone can change someone's perspective, especially in crisis type situations. They have to figure it out on their own. We can be sympathetic, empathetic, try to see things from their perspective, etc ad nauseum, but at the end of the day it is that person that has to pull themselves through it. Nobody else can.
Hope you have a good weekend, U - get some good GAL in there
Hey U, will echo others and say that I'm glad that you have more time with the kids.
Your comment about your W feeling the "no's" more than the "yes's" resonates so much. My W is convinced that I treated her like a doormat for our entire relationship and that she never got anything she wanted. It's patently insane but, as you've said, there's nothing you can do yourself to change her mind.
I LOVE your "Expectations are reservations for future resentments." quote. Sums up many of my/W's relationship issues.
Hope you've got some good plans for this weekend.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
I've been GAL'ing like crazy this weekend, but finding myself really triggered today.
My W is off with the kids out of town this weekend.
- She did not tell me she was pulling the kids from school both Friday and Monday for this trip until I asked. - After giving me a hard time about car seat safety, she told me S7 has been riding without a car seat all weekend. - We have 2 credit cards for stores that have very high balances this month, and I don't know why. These are both cards my W pays. One of the stores I did not use at all last month. - She withdrew a fairly large amount of cash, an amount above which we agreed we would notify each other. She never notified me.
The financial stuff is frustrating - I went online to pay a bill and was not snooping.
The stuff with the kids is also frustrating.
My thoughts are:
1. We have a follow-up with the financial advisor this week. This may be the best venue for me to address my financial concerns.
2. I think my W and I should be communicating regularly for doctor appointments, school things, etc. and not waiting for a 1:1 call which happens every 1-2 weeks. A short update is helpful.
3. The car seat safety thing I am going to let go. Just because she would hold my feet to my fire if I did that, I am not going to go tit-for-tat.
Any feedback is very welcome... I want to be able to stand as long as I can, but this current setup is not helping. Maybe that means a formal financial separation, I'm not sure.
Sorry to hear about the ongoing drama with your XW mate. I'm not wholly familiar with your sitch, but is it fair to say your XW is a very difficult and angry person?
The school thing is grating for me, as it would be for you. If its something that would have been done if you were still together, let it go. If not, then raise it in the mediation.
Car seat - I think you should follow this up too. Its a safety issue, and may be unlawful where you are to have children that age travel unrestrained. Maybe have a look of incredulity and say something like "S7 told me she was riding without her booster seat. I didn't believe it as I know how cautious you are, but just thought I'd let you know what he told me". See what XW says.
CC - raise this at the financial advisor and follow up with an email. I'd look at a formal financial settlement and be done with the worry.
Good luck mate. Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
