This is going to be hard to type out but to get the most help I can I will lay everything out and go from there.
First me and my wife have been married 11 years, and been together 16. We were each other’s first love and met just out of highschool, went through college together, got married, have good jobs, have 4 little girls (10, 7, 5, 3), built a house, you know the “Dream”, which it really was until I destroyed it.
Our marriage wasn’t bad, but we had some arguments, like everyone, but about two years ago I really started getting depressed about our relationship. As stated, we have four girls, it got to the point where I gave baths, cooked supper, got them ready for school/daycare, dropped them off, picked them up, ect. Of course, she helped sometimes, but I easily did 75%. We also have a small farm and some cattle, so there is always work to be done. It got to the point where I felt really unappreciated, she never said that she appreciated me, sex life was boring and stale, her job always came first, I always pushed her and supported her in everything she wanted to do. Her parents use to call her my princess and even my wife has said many times I have always had her on a pedestal. Her mom told me for years that I was creating a monster, with the amount I did for her, how I took care of things, bills, kids, building a bigger house than I wanted, ect. If the kids acted out, I took care of that, weather at school events, family events, church. I didn’t think anything about it, I loved my wife and my family. Anyway, we started fighting more and more, over the same issues, (about splitting responsibilities more fairly), Nothing changed, mainly because I would give in, and bottle things up, then I would explode, which of course got us nowhere.
I had become friends with my secretary, totally innocent, might text outside of work once a week. Visit about kids, my wife, my family, whatever. Told her of the fun things we and my wife would do, I always talked about her. Then as we get to know each other a little better I started making the mistake of complaining about my wife or relationship, partially because she did that quite often. At first, I even acted like I knew what she was talking about or whatever, even if I didn’t because I didn’t want her to feel bad about her relationship when mine was pretty good. Over time though she started validating my feelings of things being unfair in my marriage, and she would say how wonderful a dad and husband I was, and she couldn’t understand how my wife couldn’t see that and treat me accordingly. So we started to text more and she tried to flirt with me a few times, but I actually shut that down, told her it made me uncomfortable because I was married. I should have said I wasn’t going to talk to her anymore at that point, but I had never dated anyone but my wife and getting attention from a woman 9 years younger than me made me feel pretty good, I guess.
Now looking back I completely believe I fell into limerence. I could see no faults with her, and I vilified my wife and our entire relationship. My affair quickly took off and I completely checked out from my wife for a year. I threatened divorce all the time, did as I pleased, when I pleased, which wasn’t how I have ever acted, was mean verbally to my wife, I was just a horrible person. Then after about a year I started coming out of the fog, I started seeing how much my wife loved me, how manipulating, selfish, and controlling this other woman was, and me and my wife started spending more time together, even going out with friends and having date nights. Mind you my wife knows I am not happy in the marriage but has no idea I am having an affair. She believed I wouldn’t/couldn’t ever do that to her. I didn’t think I could either. Anyway, October 2018 we went out with some friends, and had a late night, while out my phone started going off like crazy around midnight from my affair partner, my wife keeps asking who’s calling course I lie, (I had her name saved under a fake name), anyway get home, go to bed, she waits me out, goes through my phone, and rightfully so losses her head. After a few hours of yelling, crying, talking, denial, admission, things start getting calmed down. Luckily in the text messages she had seen where I had tried several times to tell my affair I didn’t want to divorce, I didn’t want to destroy my kids stable home, I didn’t want to be this person anymore. But she always found a way back in and I truthfully believe it had to do with me being in limerence and telling myself that I would never would have had an affair unless this woman was my “soulmate”.
So, I text the other woman in front of my wife told her done, over, I love my wife, ect. I then blocked her, and deleted every form of communication. Then came months of talking, I admit I had a hard time letting go, and I was depressed. I had never broken up with someone, and at that point I thought I loved her, but I also knew I loved my wife and kids. My wife somehow understood this, and we talked about things, and I assured her I loved her and I was where I wanted to be. After a few months’ things improved dramatically, and after 3- or 4-months post affair, we both agreed our marriage was better than ever. We had 1 mutual friend that walked in on a conversation, so we told him about everything and he was a great support system for me and my wife both. My wife told him so many times that she wished the affair never happened, but our marriage was better that ever and she couldn’t remember being so happy. We put each other and our marriage first, took a cruise, spent toms of time together, sex life became better than our entire relationship. Truthfully, I thought I had survived and now my life was flourishing. My wife took on a new happiness that hadn’t been there since I can remember, we were like kids in love. We flirted, we touched, we smiled, we talked and communicated, things seemed perfect. Occasionally some memory or trigger would happen and she would have a rough day, I would ask her what she needed from me, and she a lot of times would ask me if I really wanted her, If I really loved her, that I didn’t stay because of guilt, I would confirm all those thing, tell her it was never her, it was me, and then after a day or two things were good again. But those episodes got fewer and fewer.
THEN, We go out with some friends one night and a customer/acquittance of mine went with us, I wouldn’t call him a friend, but he would call and text me occasionally outside of our business relationship, knew the names of my kids, as I did his. Would occasionally stop by the house if he drove by. He is divorced and the rumor was he ran around on his wife for years, married her twice, but has always been a womanizer. Well that night he sat around and just kept going on and on about how bad his wife did him over, that she cheated on him, that he just couldn’t get over it, even four years after they divorced. All he ever wanted was the simple life, ect, ect. Night ends we all go our separate ways, well then a few days later he starts texting my wife about bringing our girls to his pool sometime when he had his kids. Then asked my wife, who he had only met two or three days previous, that he had heard I had an affair and if we were ok. Then started playing on him going through the same thing because that was what his wife did to him and telling her that the pain would never go away.
I caught on 3 or 4 days into this, wife comes clean about everything say she realizes that he was playing on her fears, telling her she was beautiful, that this other girl didn’t hold a candle to her, that all he wanted was to marry his best friend, that she was a rare girl, that he could see himself loving her. All just filled her head full of lies and BS. So she stops contacting him, apologizes like crazy, says she loves me only me, and will do anything to make it work. We go back to being good for another month, its in the past, I still feel like I am making up for my wrong doings so I don’t even bring this thing up. Then June 19th, my wife text me, “I’m done, I cant do this anymore”. This other man had text her and told her the girl I had an affair with was pregnant and thought it could be mine. It was a totally fabricated lie. I ended up getting to how it started and that person even reached out to my wife and told her it was all a lie, but it didn’t matter it was a downhill from there. A month later(July 23rd, While on family vacation) she demanded separation when we got home, said it was just for her to get some space, I moved out ( I can’t afford the house), we figure out kid arrangements, and the night after I move out she goes and sees this other man and stays the night, and since I left, every time she doesn’t have our kids she stays the night. She got me out so she could turn her emotional affair into a physical one, and maybe be less guilty because we were separated so that made it ok.
I am reading The Divorce Remedy, I have one of their coaches, I’m going to a marital councilor. Im still reeling from everything because 2 weeks before she told me to get out, she told me she was overwhelmed but loved me and never was leaving. I seen a text on her phone with this her and the OM expressing their love for each other and that was 3 days after I moved out and only about a month of them talking. This morning I go out to get our girls ready for school even though its her day because she has an early meeting and laying in the bathroom trash can is a pregnancy test, thank god its negative, but I am losing my mind. This last 45 days since she kicked me out has been crazy.
All she talks about is divorce now, we have split money and are living separate lives as far as bills and money go. She goes from hating me, to telling me she always wants me in her life and to always be friends. Says she loves and cares for me, and always will, but just cant get over the affair. She cant see that she is doing the exact same thing. Before leaving and I knew she was talking to this other man she told me, “what if he is my soul mate”. Told me all the happiness in the last year was all just faked, that she wished it was real. All our friends and family thought it was real.
This man has done this to 3 or 4 other marriages I have found out. And the messages she showed me when I first discovered it in May is like a perfect script to playing on someone’s fears and hurt. Additionally while the weekend she was telling me to move out he was trying to get the girls number I had an affair with(small communities), so clearly he wasn’t madly in love like my wife thinks she is. I am trying to do the right things, I truly believe this wont last as #1, he doesn’t even see his own kids hardly, and I have 4 girls under 10, he doesn’t want them, #2 He has a long history of being a womanizer, #3 I completely believe she is in limerence the same as I was. She has totally changed everything she believes in in a matter of weeks.
She blames me for everything now, says its my fault she ever even talked to another man, that if I wouldn’t have had an affair, she never would have done this. I have made all the mistakes of begging and moving out, and believing what she says, telling her I love her, I mean all the mistakes until I started reading and getting the coaches advice, and listening to pod cast. She makes statements all the time that make it obvious that she doesn’t think she is in the wrong, that she was justified because I moved out before she ever seen him. Although she was sending photos to him, talking constantly, she was in full blown emotional affair. One time before telling me we were separating asked me how long before these feeling for this other man would go away?
Even after we separated she said to me, "why couldn't have you loved me like this 3 or 4 months ago?". Well until the OM entered the picture she never had even uttered the word divorce or separation. I thought we were good, she never opened up with the amount of pain she was still dealing with, but she did to the OM and of course he told her that would only stop if she got rid of me.
I will say I accept full responsibility for my action, I have since day one of my affair coming out. At this point she doesn't accept any responsibility, acts like she is justified, but I understand that. I use my therapist acronym in all interactions: LUVER Listen. Understand. Validate. Empathize. Repeat.
So what are my chances? Please ask any questions for clarification or if you want more, I feel like this is already to long.
Me 34 Her 34 T:16 years M:11 4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3 Her EA May 2019 Separated July 30th 2019 Her PA Started August 1st, 2019 Filed October 3rd, 2019
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Says she loves and cares for me, and always will, but just cant get over the affair. She cant see that she is doing the exact same thing.
I don't see these as equivalent. You had a 1+ year secret physical and emotional affair. Your wife told you the marriage was over, and only after you chose to leave, she began a new physical relationship.
I get your ex-wife fell in love with OM the last month you were together. That was a betrayal.
Originally Posted by "JC08"
Occasionally.. she a lot of times would ask me if I really wanted her, If I really loved her, that I didn’t stay because of guilt..
If she's anything like me, she felt this far more than she vocalized this. Yesterday my partner saw her IC, was too tired to talk most of the day, and send me lots of loving words and emojis. A part of me can't help but think, "That's what she did the last time she betrayed me by moving out days after saying she never would." You also say she believes in soulmates, and that you have a PA/EA goes against that notion.
Originally Posted by "JC08"
THEN, We go out with some friends one night and a customer/acquittance of mine went with us
Oof. Bad timing to encounter a predator.
Originally Posted by "JC08"
So what are my chances?
Advantage #1 you have over the average person is you know this is a marathon. Your PA/EA lasted over a year, it took you 3-4 months to get over it, and the betrayed partner obviously needed even longer.
Advantage #2 You know OM is a serial womanizer who's done this 4x before. The statistician in me wonders, how long do those usually last? Who ends it? Why? Past history is often a good indicator.
Hi JC. Your sitch and mine are very similar. Try to read all DR book and links that Cadet posted. Take your time, control yourself.
I´m the WWH in my story. I felt for OW what you felt for yours. Made the same mistakes, said the same things, felt the same feelings. The soul mate fog. All limerance fueled. I saw the light of my W and I was able to take the road home. I´m there now. And I´m also here. I survived waywardness when I found this forum. People here is pure gold.
Start working on yourself. Keep reading, keep posting. The goal is to get into amoafwl (a man only a fool would leave). Be the best father for your kids. Do all that for yourself. Get into a grown up man.
Start DB. Apply the basics. Keep asking, keep moving forward.
Help is here JC. Trust the process. Patience, hope, DB
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
[quote="JC08"]Says she loves and cares for me, and always will, but just cant get over the affair. She cant see that she is doing the exact same thing.
I don't see these as equivalent. You had a 1+ year secret physical and emotional affair. Your wife told you the marriage was over, and only after you chose to leave, she began a new physical relationship.
I get your ex-wife fell in love with OM the last month you were together. That was a betrayal.
Well When she told me that we needed to separate, she said that it was just to get space and, she said it was for us to work on the marriage. We had went to MC, our first session, and she told the therapist that she wanted our marriage, but was afraid she would have these feelings and fear forever. The therapist explained how we would work through thing, talked about EMDR, and asked my wife if fixing our marriage was our goal. So I was surprised when she asked me to move out, but I actually assumed, because she promised me that she wasn't thinking about divorce, she just needed some space. I left on Wednesday, She went to see OM Thursday, the first night I had the kids. I guess at the time I thought I was doing things to give her space and our marriage was still the focus.
But I am fully aware that they are not on the same level. I wished she would have opened up to me about where she was really at. I stupidly thought things were great, if I would have known how she felt I would have asked about MC, I would have researched more, but I was dumb by not seeing how to actually repair from an affair, I thought it was behind us.
Me 34 Her 34 T:16 years M:11 4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3 Her EA May 2019 Separated July 30th 2019 Her PA Started August 1st, 2019 Filed October 3rd, 2019
My wife just text me, "Do you think I'll ever completely get over this? I can't watch a show with cheating without breaking down. It's almost been a year"
How do I respond and show empathy, but also relay that I want to do anything to help her. That I can be the man she always believed I was. Or do I just stick to the validate and empathize and tell her how sorry I am.
Now two weeks ago she told me that she was happy, and she didn't even think of Samantha anymore(The OW). Clearly that isn't the case.
Thank you so much for the replies. I have been reading all day!
Me 34 Her 34 T:16 years M:11 4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3 Her EA May 2019 Separated July 30th 2019 Her PA Started August 1st, 2019 Filed October 3rd, 2019
. I guess at the time I thought I was doing things to give her space and our marriage was still the focus.
Oof. There are several people here whose sitch's involved cheating and the repercussions--some who've restored their marriages. You'll get good advice here. It's human to err. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Hi JC, it sounds like the affair you had was resolved between the two of you and that things were fine afterwards. You both even said "better than ever". So I think she's using that as an excuse now for her wayward behavior. Don't buy into it.
You've done a lot of things right already it sounds like. You've read DR, you have a DB coach, you're giving her time and space. That's all great. Don't pursue her AT ALL. Leave her be. This affair of hers will fizzle out and she'll have to face why she went down this road. If you effectively remove yourself from the picture then she will hopefully face down her own demons and quit blaming you for everything. But that is HER journey to make and you can't speed it up, you can only get out of the way. If you try to intervene you are just going to slow her journey down. So leave her be. Get out and GAL. Be the best "you" that you can be. Be patient, these things take a long time to resolve!
I´m the WWH in my story. I felt for OW what you felt for yours. Made the same mistakes, said the same things, felt the same feelings. The soul mate fog. All limerance fueled. I saw the light of my W and I was able to take the road home. I´m there now. And I´m also here. I survived waywardness when I found this forum. People here is pure gold.
I wish I didn't have the knowledge to understand what she is feeling and going through, but sadly I do. I didn't know what limerance was until after her thing started. Its like a script to my affair and to hers. She has became such a incredibly different person in such a short time, the same as I did. It is such a powerful influence on everything you do. I remember her to begging and pleading to give her a chance to fix our marriage when I was in my affair, it did it just pushed me away more, it just made my heart harder towards her.
So as I navigate this time period I try to remember how I felt, how I acted, how even in the beginning of my affair I only seen the happiness, I only felt that high, I couldn't see what I was going to lose, what I had, What I would do to my wife and children, I was just selfish but somehow felt justified. I try to keep this in mind though that I came out of the fog, I seen reality, I remembered the love for my wife.
There was a long period of time during my affair that if my wife would have walked away I wouldn't have cared, I was so sure this OW was the one, I was so sure my wife didn't love me, I was just so sure. Once I came back out of orbit and into reality I fell so deeply in love with my wife, it seriously felt like we had the marriage we both always wanted. we didn't fight or argue for months, we communicated, we shared, we resolved, we had fun, we put our marriage front and center. Makes where we are now hurt a little more, but only I can control my emotions and actions moving forward.
Thanks for all the replies.
Me 34 Her 34 T:16 years M:11 4 Daughters: 10,7,6,3 Her EA May 2019 Separated July 30th 2019 Her PA Started August 1st, 2019 Filed October 3rd, 2019
