Thanks for participating in this forum! It's a beacon of light during a very dark time for me.
First some info: Me 47, W 43 Together 25 years M 20 years S 18, S10
About 3 months ago, I noticed my wife stomping around, seemingly angry at everyone and everything. (About 3 months prior to this, she joined the gym, made new friends etc.) I took her out of the house for a drive and asked her what was going on. First she said she didn't know what was happening, that she was confused. Later in the conversation, she said she felt trapped in an a sexless (too infrequent for both of us), emotionless marriage and she didn't want to do it anymore. I was in semi-shock, but I asked if she wanted a divorce, and he said she didn't know, but she needed some space.
She started individual counseling a week later and has continued since. Her counselor recommended a trial separation, which I agreed to. It is tough because she runs a business out of the house, but she shows up in the morning before kids get up and stays throughout the day while I'm at work. Since our initial R talk, I have made several changes. Working out regularly, lost 22 lbs., more present with family interactions, etc. I actually feel awakened, for lack of a better term. She says the changes are only temporary and won't last etc. I know that's not true, but I don't get defensive or argue. I would very much like to save this marriage, and we have started marriage counseling. The counselor suggested we keep this semi separation and that she come to the house for family dinners on Sundays, which she agreed to do. We've had one of those and it seemed to go just fine. While I haven't pleaded or begged, I have acknowledged my shortcomings in the marriage and apologized to her for how she feels. I also think it's likely there is an OM the picture, which, given her feelings when she finally let them out, would not be a surprise. I know the odds are strongly against me, but I can actually see a vibrant marriage rebirth if we can get through this.My wife checks almost every box on every MLC symptoms list you can find.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please think back to 18-24 months....did something happen? Death of family member/close friend, new job, lost a job, became an empty nester, health issues? Something triggered her unhappiness and she's trying to figure out what is wrong w/her and why she feels the way that she does.
For now, I would listen and validate her thoughts/feelings. I would not give advice unless she asks for it. Be a friend who listens. Don't push or put pressure on her to come back into the marriage. The comments that she has made are typical MLC jargon.
Continue working on you, make the changes for you and if you are happy w/them, then make them a permanent part of your life. Focus on your family and give her all of the time and space she needs.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We became 1/2 empty nesters this past weekend with my oldest going to college. None of the other situations you mentioned are in play here. We were 22 and 18 when we met and I am convinced she’s convinced herself that she married too young and is missing out on something(s). I truly believe MLC is the biggest driver here. Yes
For now, I would listen and validate her thoughts/feelings. I would not give advice unless she asks for it. Be a friend who listens. Don't push or put pressure on her to come back into the marriage. The comments that she has made are typical MLC jargon.
Hi job,
I was wondering if you think there are any unique aspects an LBS should apply in DBing when dealing with an MLC spouse that are different to the other types situations where a spouse has ended the M, and/or things that should absolutely not be done in an MLC situation that should be done in any other situation?
I ask because I strongly feel mine has MLC. Thank you D
Originally Posted by WMLC
Thoughts?
Hi WMLC - sorry you're here. In addition to what job has said I'd respectfully add to that by saying maybe look to your W's past and if there was any childhood trauma. Cheers D
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Hi Wmlc. My H is in MLC. Stay strong and try not to figure her out. As suggested, be there for her, be her friend, listen. Videos have really helped me. Lots out there. It's her challenge to figure out. Do things for you & your kids.
Best of luck
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I am posting a link form the Newcomers' thread and the info in this link can be applied in either the case of MLC or a Walkaway. I would also take the time and read the homework links that Cadet has consolidated into one thread, as well as the Resources Thread on this forum.
Also, you may want to start a thread of your own on this forum so that others can assist and/or provide advice to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Something happened 18-24 months ago to trigger her thoughts/feelings of unhappiness. It takes that much time for them to get to the point that you will hear what we call the "bomb drop (bd) and then all the usual MLC lingo about not being happy 3 months, on and on until it's way off the charts like 10 and/or 15 years. Right now, she has no real clear cut idea as to why she's unhappy, but she is and that is the depression talking. Take some time and read up about depression.
Again, please consider treating her as a friend, listen to what she has to say and validate her feelings, even if you know that what she is saying may not be how you remember things. Her feelings are hers and hers alone to own. As she rewrites history, you will hear things that you know just aren't true or the way that you remember them. Arguing w/her will only make her angry and she will then clam up and not talk to you at all. That's why it is important to just listen and sift through the garage that comes out of her mouth.
Here is a link from the Resources Thread that might prove useful to you:
Last edited by job; 09/04/1905:23 PM. Reason: added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do want this to be saved, but I am not confident that I can wait 1, 2, 3 years etc to do so. Trying to detach with each passing hour. I would also add that I noticed that she starting "changing" (new car, tattoo, etc) about 18 months ago. But she didn't verbalize anything until 3 months ago. This seems somewhat typical of MLC situations, from what I can tell.
W has been experiencing MLC symptoms for about 18 months. W stays at a friend's house each night and returns to run her business each morning. I do not say or initiate anything when she leaves at night or when she arrives in the a.m. If she says "goodbye" or "have a good night," I will return the same. Sometimes I get a kiss goodbye or half-hug, but I do not initiate. We have S18 (just went away to college!) and S10, and almost all of our communications revolve strictly around the kids or finances/bills. I do not text or call her, and only respond if she reaches out. Last night when she left, she said "Text me if you need anything." I did not text her.
I am working on detaching and finally feel like it's finally beginning to happen. I work out regularly and have lost 30 lbs. I spend my time away from work completing my bachelor's degree or looking for new things to do with my S10. We are in MC, and I have no expectations as to where that will lead. But I know that I will be okay no matter what happens. Focused on improving my life while she winds her way through the darkness.
All of your input/comments has been tremendously helpful. Thank you!
Me 47, W 43 Together 25 years M 20 years Separated 7/5/19 S18, S10
