It was my idea to try MC. The first session was matter of fact, no raised voices or crying. The MC surmised that we are two good people who have just grown apart. Wife mentioned all the usual MLC language, (I’ve felt like this for a long time” “You’re a good man and I care about you but I’m not in love with you” “I got married too young” etc. I just tried to actively listen and validate her feelings. She is depressed and in a MLC, and she’s throwing away everything because she thinks that will make her happy. She had said “it’s not you, it’s me” a couple of times, too. I’m going to see how it goes with a general strategy to validate and listen. Truthfully, I’m tired of being in limbo land already, and it’s only been 3 months. We will see what happens!
MC is a good way to see id she is willing to try to save the relationship
depending on the therapist some will push D --I think it depends on their beliefs and what we ask of them b4 therapy some therapists will also support DB and your standing if that is what you want-
We went to 2 MC One I picked and he supported the M and trying but XH refused to go back and said M was over
then XH picked his therapist at the time who was D herself and she promoted D She encouraged XH to leave and pursue his dream life and OW She did not believe in MLC and was probably a MLCer herself as I look back
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
MC scheduled for tomorrow night (Thursday). Just received this text from W. Translations?
"I made an appointment to see my IC at 6:30 tonight. Can you pick up S10 at soccer? I'm having a really difficult time with tomorrow coming up and I needed to talk to her this evening. My anxiety is through the roof. Today is just (crappy). I know I said I'd be here a few nights a week to put S10 to bed and this week hasn't worked out too well and I'm sorry, and I know you don't think I care about S10 through this, but I do. I'm still trying to deal with all of this and between my sprained ankle and work and whatnot it's just been crappy."
She recognizes that she needs to be speaking to her therapist. That's a good thing. She is emotional over load right now and needs to work some things out.
At least she's communicating w/you and is asking for your assistance in picking your S10 up from soccer. She is trying to be responsible in this area.
Respond back and thank her for letting you know and that you'll pick up your child.
Otherwise, don't over think/over analyze every word or action or you will drive yourself crazy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, Job. My response was: "I will pick up S10 at soccer."
What could be so weighty about a MC session that she gets such bad anxiety? Might she finally have the gumption to say she wants a D? My plan is to actively listen and validate, pretty much no matter what is said. She is clearly in crisis mode, and it is impacting all facets of her life. Tough to watch happen, but I realize it's her journey to navigate.
MC session was meh. W is still cordial, but ILUBNILWU was her standard response/defense. MC gave her many opportunities to express any hope of R, but she wouldn’t go there. We are going to begin discussions on custody and division of debts, etc. I am only somewhat begrudgingly going along with it, as I am not going to beg her to stay . Only a miracle could save it now. I know i will be okay, but not looking forward to the coming upheaval.
MC session was meh. W is still cordial, but ILUBNILWU was her standard response/defense. MC gave her many opportunities to express any hope of R, but she wouldn’t go there. We are going to begin discussions on custody and division of debts, etc. I am only somewhat begrudgingly going along with it, as I am not going to beg her to stay . Only a miracle could save it now. I know i will be okay, but not looking forward to the coming upheaval.
Sorry to hear this. And I agree on your reaction. The MLC has to want to R. Keep on being strong. How are the kids doing with this? One at college and one at home right?
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Kids don’t really know yet. It’s going to be traumatic for them, no doubt. It would be much easier for me to process this whole thing without kids involved. Just going to keep working on myself and trying to arrange the best possible D settlement for me and the kids. Not much else I can do when 50 perfect of the situation is in MLC and not seeing reality clearly.
but you are better off moving forward in your mind and life, grieving healing and therapy if it helps u-- if she is clearly not going to consider working on the relationship
She can change her mind- at any point especially if her new life crumbles or the Individual therapist can get her to do the real work on herself
remember they leave because they are unhappy They usually fall into MLC in the first place due to unresolved childhood issues
this is not your fault and nothing could make her resolve those issues except for her and a good therapist
Some Mlcers will recover and choose the path back..we see them here sometimes...
but most will pursue what appears to be the more fun option... to start over to play..leave responsibility behind, spend..vacation new people and affairs
what they fail to see is that wherever they go they will take there unhappiness with them and the new things whatever they are will fade in time and only create more unhappiness
I rarely see anyone and I know o one who has left a M in MLC and created the life of their dreams but more likely see the MLCer in a worse mental condition years later we cant fix the inside on the outside
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Update: I suggested to W Monday morning of this week that we discuss possible custody arrangements on Tuesday evening. She agreed. She then asked to move to Thursday evening (tonight) and has just asked to now move it to tomorrow, which I agreed to, as I am truthfully in no rush to get a D. The reasons given were that she was tired, etc. The purpose of my asking to begin the discussions was because I feel there is a chance (if even a small one) that once when she starts seeing what will happen with the kids, finances, etc., as we move toward a D, she MAY not be so positive that a D will make her happy. Wishful thinking? Likely, but does anyone have any experience with this? FYI, we are very civil to one another and this is not what I would term a "broken household." She is desperate to get rid of her unhappiness, which she has projected onto me at the moment.
