That’s her plan , what’s yours ? Btw I think Rville is probably a great path for you both You
My plan is to continue to work on me. Huge GAL this weekend, I'll be up at the hunting property all weekend. Continue to cement my 180s. I am not sure she is totally convinced that bad Steve won't eventually reappear. Continue to be self-differentiated. Recently saw this stated as being the best individual that you can be. A successful couple is made up of two complete individuals.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W knew about both of those after I came clean following her EA in 05.
I stayed clear of all online activity like that afterward. And avoided social media.
Then (this is the difficult one to admit to),
You are preaching to the choir, b/c I know how hard it is to admit, even to a group of faceless people behind their computers. I'm glad you opened up about it on the board, and my hope for you is to heal. I want to note here how you proactively took measures to avoid the snare of online chat rooms, dating sites, etc. That is what we have to do. Recognize the first act we took that led us down an inappropriate path. Responding to an email or text from an old flame, going into a chatroom, joining a dating site, etc.........are first steps.
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my longtime on again off again girlfriend contacted me via email in 2010. Eventually she started texting. Her marriage was rocky, she had just ended a 2 year PA with a guy I know. We started just confiding in each other. But eventually out turned sexual. There was sexting, even some phone sex. She would talk about meeting but it never materialized. I cut it off at one point but it started back up. It lasted overall about 21 months. She started going to MC to work on her marriage. By the way, she's contacted me on and off since 2012, sometimes trying to rekindle things but I've been resolute since then that there is no chance. Oh she lived about a half hour away.
I find it interesting, and maybe this is a "man thing", IDK............but in posts about your W's OM and your OW, you state the mileage/time distance of the affair partner. Maybe H's link the distance of the affair partner to their availability, or lack thereof, for a PA. It's just something I've noticed in other LBH's posts, also.
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The fourth was another girl I met, quite a bit younger than me (12 years), that I met online just after getting married. She was interested (lives about an hour away), but I made it clear I was married and not looking to cheat. We stayed in casual contact for years. She got married in 2007. In 2013 her marriage was having trouble. And she was pregnant with her only child. She contacted me, and it turned into sexting with her sending nudes. It lasted about 5 months and she later blamed it on pregnancy hormones and her husband not wanting to have sex while she was pregnant. She insinuated I took advantage of that.
That's the major details. I probably don't need to tell you all that in all 4 cases my marriage was not very good, and of course these actions didn't help. Further, I had various jobs stresses during the last two. Not an excuse but these helped me escape since this weren't great at home. I vowed after 2013 to never again let things like this happen.
When a person's needs in their MR are not met for a long time, I believe they can become vulnerable and search for something that fills that void. I'm not trying to excuse an affair, just saying that when you went to a chatroom, you were looking for something. It seems that you and your W have both tried to fill a void through other means. Perhaps sex therapy might help, IDK, and have no experience with it. I told you early on that I was M very young and had extremely little knowledge about sex and zero knowledge of how sex (and especially the lack thereof) affects a man's health.
In the second paragraph, you used a key word that feeds online EA’s. That word is "escape". That was exactly what I was trying to do. I had no desire to meet any those guys in person. I just wanted to flirt and escape my reality. Plus, they fed my ego......but that's how the game is played. It usually doesn't stop with flirting, b/c the whole scenario is inappropriate, so eventually it's going to involve more.
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Sandi, yes I've prayed and asked for forgiveness. Though my beliefs on true repentance means I will need to confess to my W at some point.
Okay, the hard part is forgiving yourself. Take 100% ownership for your choices. Don't blame the other women or stress for the EA's, and don't have a victim mentality due to the SSM. I know it's difficult, Steve, and I'm not saying that the SSM didn't condition you, but you still have to fully own it, in order to completely heal, IMHO. You will always deeply regret what you did, but you can move forward and not stay stuck in the past. IDK how fragile your W is, and I'm not going to tell you to confess your EA's to her at this time. I think it should be under the direction of a therapist........and of course, God leading you. I often say that "timing" is everything. I believe it with all my heart.
Personally, I look at finding a faith-based therapist much like I look at a surgeon. If she/he is a Christian, that’s a plus……..but quite frankly, what is more important is that she/he is highly qualified and experienced to perform surgery on me.
You’ve had 1 ½ years and I realize she needs therapy for her childhood issues, but maybe you need to lead the way in finding a therapist, rather than waiting on her to make the move. If you will find a therapist to see both of you together, then she/he would probably recommend a psychiatrist to your W, suggest changing her meds, etc. Make sense?
(((hugs)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Want you know that I recently volunteered that I had some of my own failures (maybe EA) from years ago. I want to work towards transparency with my wife (which feels like giving her TT from the BS incidentally, and I worry might kill us, sadly) now that she's started seemingly trying. I've told her a few things in batches over the last week. She always reacts so horrifically that it's difficult for me but I'm doing my best even if she refuses to see that.
Shes still angry, maybe she'll leave, but I feel better moving towards not having any of my own secrets.
Last edited by oops13; 09/07/1904:12 PM.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
Steve, it seems like based on the EAs of both you and W, neither of you is happy in the relationship. Given the history of EAs dating back to more than 15 years ago this does not seem to be some sort of short term crisis either. I am curious if you have given any thought to perhaps both of you may be better off with someone that actually makes you happy? Do your MC/IC have any thoughts on this? What are the reasons you are choosing to stay in a situation that has had you both unhappy for such a long time? Sorry for the blunt question.
