Midlife wife crisis9

[sandi2]

Question. Tonight w wants to go over the stipulation before we give it back to the lawyer. I really want her to know I still do t want this. Is there anything I can say or do? I know everyone always says don’t talk about the relationship but I want her to know I still don’t want this!!!

She knows!

Even if she knows I don’t want it I feel she needs to still hear it from me.

She doesn't need to hear it. It's you that feels the need to tell her.

I know if I saw my w hurting and see how much this home meant to her I wouldn’t do that to her. I honestly believe I would have a change of heart. I’m looking for advice from the vets here!!! I think I know the answer but just thought I would ask.

She is not you. It's easy to say what you would or wouldn't do if things were reversed, but you can't pressure her into keeping the house just b/c you love it.

[IHCLACS]

Wolf im in the same exact position at the moment. BIL is actually already moving his $hit in, in anticipation of me moving my stuff out. Refi is approved and on the table. I put my foot down with STBXW that Im not comfortable with him living here until I'm moved out in 1-2 months. Wolf. She knows. She doesn't care. LISTEN TO ME. SHE DOESN'T CARE SHE DOESNT CARE. SHE DOESNT CARE!!! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS. She wouldn't have given all of her actions and all of this thought and planning to go through with this if she wasn't emotionally prepared to. She thinks the grass is greener. She might be wrong or right. Only time will tell. Let her live with her choices if she no longer values you. Your self respect and dignity comes first in your life. Before your XW, before your family, before your children, all of it. It [censored], and I know you are hurting. I am too, but I want you to try and think about it this way... If your W can make your life a living hell with what she has done in recent times. If all those lines in the sand have been crossed, if she wants out.. disrespects you, buys you out of your castle that you worked on for her, your family, etc, treats you as disposable, is no longer attracted to you, is repulsed by you, is taking a means of legal action against you, etc... What else can she do to you? LET HER GO! DISMISS HER. FOCUS IN YOUR OWN PRIORITIES, TAKE YOUR POWER BACK! If she wanted you back tomorrow? After all this could you respect her? Her decision? More importantly could you respect yourself? if you took her back tomorrow I can promise promise you that within weeks or months, not only with the same problems reappear, but you will wind up hating yourself for it and you won't be attracted to her cuz you want to taking someone back that didn't really was reluctant to get back with you in the first place. Nobody wants pity, everyone wants willingness. She will only come back because she probably ran out of options. or you made some significant changes from a far to where she perceives you as valuable again. do you really want someone to make choices like that in your life?

I'm starting to realize a lot of people here might disagree with me but this whole thing from dating to marriage it's all an attraction game and people always want someone that's more valuable then themselves or so they're perceived to be. There will be a mix of delusion and reality in their minds from both sides. But your self worth come first before anybody's.

I don't mean to sound prideful. But you two are either working for each other or not at all there really is no halfway, and when someone has one or both feet out the door you let them go. Just like a hiring manager. Learn from all the mistakes you made in your marriage about yourself and what you contributed to the dysfunction. Correct them 180 on them have some respect for yourself. More importantly learn to recognize the signs and signals of when they're starting to leave by their actions... I can't encourage this enough learn from it. You will see it with clairity in hindsight, just like every other relationship that failed.

Wolf you wouldn't do those things as mentioned because you have honor, morals, and principles. What does that say if your W's regard to the relationship? I'm sure she has her side of things too in legitimacy. But she's going in another direction. She has her own mind, her own feelings, her own choices, and her own consequences to deal with. Let them go.

[Ready2Change]

Question. Tonight w wants to go over the stipulation before we give it back to the lawyer. I really want her to know I still do t want this. Is there anything I can say or do?

Personally I believe the best thing you can do is stop interacting with her.

Let her go over it by herself and red line it. Then you will review it.

[AnotherStander]

I really want her to know I still do t want this. Is there anything I can say or do? I know everyone always says don’t talk about the relationship but I want her to know I still don’t want this!!! Even if she knows I don’t want it I feel she needs to still hear it from me.

Wolf, here's the problem. She's done for now, so if you say anything she's just going to BD you all over again. But her feelings may change in a week or a month or a year, so you'll ALWAYS wonder if you should say something AGAIN, just in case her feelings have changed. But you don't need to say something, because if and when her feelings do change, SHE will seek YOU out. She's not going to change her mind and then sit at home saying "I wish wolf would ask again, because now I'm ready to reconcile." No, if she wants it she will make it quite clear to you.

At the end of the day you're probably going to say something anyway, because you can't stand not to. But you've got to have zero expectations, because it's not going to change anything. Paradoxically if you had zero expectations then you wouldn't need to ask. So don't ask, but if you ask have zero expectations, but if you have zero expectations then you won't need to ask

LISTEN TO ME. SHE DOESN'T CARE SHE DOESNT CARE. SHE DOESNT CARE!!! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS. She wouldn't have given all of her actions and all of this thought and planning to go through with this if she wasn't emotionally prepared to. She thinks the grass is greener. She might be wrong or right. Only time will tell. Let her live with her choices if she no longer values you. Your self respect and dignity comes first in your life. Before your XW, before your family, before your children, all of it. It [censored], and I know you are hurting. I am too, but I want you to try and think about it this way... If your W can make your life a living hell with what she has done in recent times. If all those lines in the sand have been crossed, if she wants out.. disrespects you, buys you out of your castle that you worked on for her, your family, etc, treats you as disposable, is no longer attracted to you, is repulsed by you, is taking a means of legal action against you, etc... What else can she do to you? LET HER GO! DISMISS HER. FOCUS IN YOUR OWN PRIORITIES, TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!

^^^This is good stuff!!^^^

[Wolfman]

Thank you for the advice everyone. I made an appointment with my lawyer to look over the stipulation. Her lawyer made changes to it. So I told her I’m going to have my lawyer look it over now because I don’t know what all those changes mean. She was annoyed. She goes how long till we get this done? Now I have to wait longer? I told her look there are changes on here so yes I have to have my lawyer look it over. She said I just want this all done and be able to move on. I said ok it will be done soon. She said I just want it to be done so she can be alone. She is enjoying her alone time and the fact that she doesn’t have to respond to anyone. She is free to do what she wants and she loves it. I knew that was why she was enjoying this divorce, the freedom. I would love to know when that gets old? Will she ever miss the family dynamic? Maybe never? I am trying real hard to move forward. I’m getting better but still have a ways to go. I can’t believe how selfish she has become but that is a mid life crisis. I just want to be the best person possible at this point.
It’s official she is done. There was no remorse there. I just need to really start accepting this and I will be better. School has started and I am not as depressed in the morning. It keeps me occupied.

[Jac12]

I'm in the same boat as you Wolf. My W is loving the freedom of being on her own, responding to nobody. I also wonder when that will get old. But then I realize she's probably not on her own...she's likely with another guy. So...who knows but just focus on you.

[Wolfman]

I'm in the same boat as you Wolf. My W is loving the freedom of being on her own, responding to nobody. I also wonder when that will get old. But then I realize she's probably not on her own...she's likely with another guy. So...who knows but just focus on you.

It’s so sad that this is what they want. Why have a family? Why have kids? I just feel so duped. How does someone change that much? She was all about family and now her freedom!! I guess I need to take her approach, enjoy my freedom. Unfortunately I am starting to lose love for her. I’ve been at this for a year now. I have stood by, went and GAL, 180, made changes in my behaviors and nothing from her. It’s time I deserve better. I am a good man with a lot of love to give. I’m not saying this doesn’t hurt, because it does but I need to move on in my life. I would love to be a family again but if she doesn’t want it then I am ready to move on. Thank you everyone for chiming in, it helps a lot!!
I don’t know about anyone else here. I am going to speak honestly, I feel like a failure for getting divorced. I tried so hard and worked so hard but she is too far gone. She is not coming back. If she ever did I am playing the lotto, better chance at winning lotto than her coming back!!!

[Jac12]

Wolf all you can do is move on with your life. Do what you want to do and spend time with the people that you enjoy being with.

We seem to be in the same boat. I don't get it either. My W just walked away and left her responsibilities behind. I thought we had a good marriage overall. Laughed a lot together and enjoyed time with each other. But something changed...maybe it was depression or her dad dying/being sick or maybe she really just doesn't want to be with me. But as of now, she's been clear she doesn't want this life so I need to move on. And so do you.

Maybe they'll regret it down the road. Maybe they'll want to reconcile. Maybe both of us will have found someone better suited for us by then and we won't be interested in reconciling.

I'm often shocked that I'm in this position. Came out of nowhere. But...time to man up. If she doens't want to be with me then good riddance to her. I'll be ok. So will you.

[Wolfman]

Wolf all you can do is move on with your life. Do what you want to do and spend time with the people that you enjoy being with.

We seem to be in the same boat. I don't get it either. My W just walked away and left her responsibilities behind. I thought we had a good marriage overall. Laughed a lot together and enjoyed time with each other. But something changed...maybe it was depression or her dad dying/being sick or maybe she really just doesn't want to be with me. But as of now, she's been clear she doesn't want this life so I need to move on. And so do you.

Maybe they'll regret it down the road. Maybe they'll want to reconcile. Maybe both of us will have found someone better suited for us by then and we won't be interested in reconciling.

I'm often shocked that I'm in this position. Came out of nowhere. But...time to man up. If she doens't want to be with me then good riddance to her. I'll be ok. So will you.

Same exact thing here. When my friends daughter drowned it made her question life. And that life is short and that she needs to live it up!! I have said it before not sure if you have been following my situation but we went on 5 vacations a year, went to dinner all the time, just always together, then that tragic event and she did a complete 180. Tonight is a perfect example of her 180. Friday nights for years she never wanted to do anything, complained how tired she always was. Ever since our separation she stays out late on Friday’s, 1-2 am. The point I am trying to make is how does someone for years never want to go out on a Friday, talk about how tired she is and to never make plans on a Friday to now staying out late every Friday? This is not the same woman I married. And I don’t think the “one” I married will be coming back. So all I can do is move on with my life.
Jac sorry you are going through this, this really stinks!!! I won’t understand nor am I trying to understand anymore how someone changes so much? How she talked about how much she wanted a family and to always be together to this!! All I know is I am not waiting anymore for her. I know I am a great guy and I deserve a great woman!!

[Wolfman]

I keep reading on here and other places about childhood issues. I mean everyone has some sort of childhood issues. Does that mean no marriage should work? My w’s childhood seemed to be pretty good from what she has told me. They traveled a lot, she got pretty much whatever she wanted, she had no chores (not a good thing) 2 loving parents, beautiful home, lots of friends. So what there caused her to stray from the marriage? If anything seeing how loving her family is and was should have made her try harder to keep our m together. Her mom was a stay at home mom and was so loving to her father. Even to this day they always hold hands, she makes it s point to sit next to him and when she does she always puts her hand on his leg. I guess the only thing I can think of is that my w resents the fact that she had to work. She has mentioned that a few times through our m. I guess her working and having to do things around the home (again she never had any chores growing up) made her think this is not the life she wants. She wants the fairytale, a lot of money, she doesn’t work, travel as much as she wants and buy whatever she wants. But she knew what I did for a living. Why now after 19 years does it not make her happy? She was happy for so long and if anything things got even better. I guess I just missed her emotional well being. It’s sad because I have learned so much from this. From everyone on here on what I have lacked, books I have read and podcasts I have listened to. I am the lover that she wants, unfortunately she is not ready to give it another chance. Maybe never again.