I keep reading on here and other places about childhood issues. I mean everyone has some sort of childhood issues. Does that mean no marriage should work?
My XW went through a lot of abuse in college. Physical and mental. We had 25 great years together before BD. I don't attribute her past to BD, they are unrelated events. LBS's look for all kinds of excuses/ reasons to explain why BD happened, but more often than not there are no specific reasons. Sure if pressed the WAS will offer some things up, but the reality is something is going on in their head and they can't explain it. This is the one thing all LBS's need to accept, but is also the one thing that they struggle with the most- you will never know WHY, and you've got to learn to let go of the need to know. There's a book called "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!" that addresses why teens do some unexplainable things, things that may be completely out of character with who they normally are. The long and short of the book is there are chemical changes happening in their brains that fundamentally alter their higher reasoning temporarily, make them "crazy". I honestly think much the same happens in many WAS's but that it is not well understood by the medical community.
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My w’s childhood seemed to be pretty good from what she has told me. They traveled a lot, she got pretty much whatever she wanted, she had no chores (not a good thing) 2 loving parents, beautiful home, lots of friends. So what there caused her to stray from the marriage? If anything seeing how loving her family is and was should have made her try harder to keep our m together. Her mom was a stay at home mom and was so loving to her father. Even to this day they always hold hands, she makes it s point to sit next to him and when she does she always puts her hand on his leg. I guess the only thing I can think of is that my w resents the fact that she had to work. She has mentioned that a few times through our m. I guess her working and having to do things around the home (again she never had any chores growing up) made her think this is not the life she wants. She wants the fairytale, a lot of money, she doesn’t work, travel as much as she wants and buy whatever she wants. But she knew what I did for a living. Why now after 19 years does it not make her happy? She was happy for so long and if anything things got even better. I guess I just missed her emotional well being. It’s sad because I have learned so much from this. From everyone on here on what I have lacked, books I have read and podcasts I have listened to. I am the lover that she wants, unfortunately she is not ready to give it another chance. Maybe never again.
^^^All of that is a waste of your mental resources. Complete waste of time. You don't know, her parents don't know, SHE doesn't know. YOU have got to LET GO of the need to know. Because you never will! Focus on you and your GAL.
You can’t change the past. Even with all of that mind reading and ruminating. Just relax man. Be yourself. Keep working on yourself.
Live the present time. Past is past, future...who knows. Time waits for no one. As Cadet’s welcome post says: use your time wisely. Be the lighthouse for the kids, GAL and keep moving forward. You have R2C there, listen to him.
Stay strong Wolf. DB!
Better times coming. That’s for sure.
Hope.
(((Wolfman)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I keep reading on here and other places about childhood issues. I mean everyone has some sort of childhood issues. Does that mean no marriage should work?
^^^All of that is a waste of your mental resources. Complete waste of time. You don't know, her parents don't know, SHE doesn't know. YOU have got to LET GO of the need to know. Because you never will! Focus on you and your GAL.
So true it is a waste of time. I am trying real hard to not waste my time on this. I am trying real hard to work on myself and GAL. I guess at times I am sad because the family dream is gone. But I will be honest with you I think I am ready for a new life. I know I will be fine, I know life will be good. It’s taken me about a year to get to this point. I know there is better out there and I deserve better.
I am getting ready to truly move on. Neffer and R2C thank you for your words of wisdom. It really helps!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I think I'm a bit like you in churning over looking for answers when things don't make sense. Isnt an overthinking mind a curse sometimes! too really looked into childhood issues after BD in searching for answers. I personally believe it's important. I had no idea before BD how much childhood issues (trauma, abandonment, abuse neglect) come into play, at least I believe they did in my sitch. I always thought nature, not nurture, but I think I was wrong. I believe the way we do things as adults is in our subconscious, planted at an early age. I shocked myself when I looked into my childhood, and how so many of my ways of doing things were rooted from an early age.
You mentioned your W's mother was stay at home, happy, good wife etc. You then mentioned your W had some sort of change after she went to work, and didn't like work. It may be your W was programmed by her M that her role was SAH, like her mum. There's probably some sort of abandonment issues for your W as well. Look to your childhood too. She may have reacted to something from your past you were subconsciously doing, without any of you knowing about it. I'm identifying and fixing my childhood issues. It's going to take a long time, but its worth it.
Defintiely dont ask your W about her childhood now. Focus on fixing you, if you need fixing that way.
I've read that childhood issues don't doom a marraige discretely, as long as you talk and keep talking about them during the M, work out what happened in childhood, and work through how childhood issues effect M behaviour and communicate about it, rather than repressing it - for example "W, is there a childhood story behind (behaviour/reaction/attitude/belief) XYZ)?". Looking back on my sitch, I think if I'd done that, it may have changed things. We each touched on childhood issues superficially, but never delved deep. I didnt think it mattered.
The above is just my perspective, and maybe food for thought. Good luck mate
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
So yesterday I met with my lawyer to go over the stipulation. There were some things that had to be corrected but for the most part it wasn’t too bad. Honesty I go back and forth, that I can’t believe at times this is happening. I know I need to accept this but it is so hard. I give so many of you on here credit, how I feel you cake to terms with this faster than I have. I know it’s stupid but I looked back at old texts of conversations and she would write how much she loved me and this was when we first separated. To now where she has no feelings for me anymore. My mind stinks because it takes me back to all the good times. I wish her mind would do that. Her mind only focuses on the bad. I know in life we don’t always get what we want but her forcing me to do all these things makes it that much harder. Sorry for the dwelling. LH you are going to kick my butt for this post. The last couple of days I have felt pretty good too. But anytime something brings us closer to d it hurts. I have been “happy” the last few days but today not so much. I still feel real embarrassed about getting divorced, it makes me feel like a failure. Sorry for the down post. I guess better days are coming. I hope so. Thank you DS9 for your post. Neffer your post made me think about how to stay focused. AS the whole thing about your teen is crazy is interesting. But does it say they ever realize what they are doing in the book. Do they ever “come back” to their normal self? My friends daughter drowning triggered something in my wife, I wonder if she will ever realize what she is doing?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Well, you don´t have to sit there waiting for her Wolfie.
There are going to be ups and downs but you need to be surfing up all that. PMA. Listen to AS, LH, R2C, DS,... I come from the other side. And we all say the same: better times coming. Why? Because they depend on you.
Control expectations, live reality, have hope. Then keep on DB. GAL!
Shine there man! Be the lighthouse for your kids.
(((Wolf)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
