I pointed out that our sex life had been much more frequent, and the quality was way up. She said "Has it?"
.
I found this exchange very interesting. It sounds like either WW selective memory "script"-- only remembering the bad and not the good about the MR or else just flat out misremembering the facts to fit their narrative. Alternatively, it is a case of mismatched expectations. Either way, a WHOLE lot conveyed by just a couple of words.
Another unrelated thought... Someone suggested a sex therapist and I would definitely endorse that based on personal experience. There are MC s who are also sex therapists... Gives them extra insight into intimacy on all levels. If you can find one who is also faith based and pro-marriage, jackpot. We found one such and she was so helpful we'd drive 3 1/2 hours to see her (she also did telemedicine sessions). At any rate, MC "fit" is crucial, and it definitely sounds as if sexual issues might be present in your case... And that therefore som sex counseling expertise might be in order
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Steve, it seems like based on the EAs of both you and W, neither of you is happy in the relationship. Given the history of EAs dating back to more than 15 years ago this does not seem to be some sort of short term crisis either. I am curious if you have given any thought to perhaps both of you may be better off with someone that actually makes you happy? Do your MC/IC have any thoughts on this? What are the reasons you are choosing to stay in a situation that has had you both unhappy for such a long time? Sorry for the blunt question.
I think this is a fair question to ask. However, the answer is similar to almost anyone that omes here looking for help. And that's when it's going well it is really good. There have been a lot of issues between us and individually that have caused our issues. Rather than throwing in the towel and giving up we've chosen to stick it out and work on those issues. It is incorrect to categorize us as solidly unhappy for 20 years. Has there been unhappiness? Yes, but not too the point where or ultimate decision was to D. Not that it hasn't been a consideration at times for one or both of us.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Steve hope things are improving mate. Keep giving all you’ve got so you know you left no stone unturned. I suggested last week emdr therapy for your wife. Do both of yourselves a favour and look into it. Good luck D
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Hey Steve, I see a lot of well-meaning advice and speculation in your thread in recent days. You have made a big impact on many people here, including me, and we feel the need to reciprocate.
We are all flawed people and I think that anything other than advice on how to proceed in DBing is inappropriate and sanctimonious. All of our sitchs a similar yet different and although some paths of action are clear, other's, only we can say for sure. And as Sandi pointed out, timing is everything.
The "Right Person Myth" is one many people fall for. The very idea that we will perform our best and be happy within a relationship once we meet the Right person is a delusion that exempts us from fixing our own faults.
I know you understand this. Besides, it's not the point of this forum.
Let us know how things progress and we are all here with your best interest in mind.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Steve, just read about all this and seems a lot has happened in the few weeks since I left. Hope you are ok and that things will get better for you!
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Thanks guys. Appreciate all of you. GAL huge this past weekend. Was up at the property all weekend. W and I were in contact appropriately on text and calls. I was trying to strike a balance between being connected (since our connection has been so strong) and having her miss me a bit. When I got home last night she came right over and gave me a huge hug and a kiss.
The bump in the road seems over. I still will insist on counseling, but I will definitely need to lead on that. I will take all of the outstanding advice given here for that as the time approaches.
Thanks for the support everyone! I know I was one of the success stories, and I think I still am. Despite her slipping up, and my admission to my past transgressions. One of the things that is soooooo important in DBing is not focusing on what you can't change (the past) but focusing on doing thing the right way from this moment forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, it seems like based on the EAs of both you and W, neither of you is happy in the relationship. Given the history of EAs dating back to more than 15 years ago this does not seem to be some sort of short term crisis either. I am curious if you have given any thought to perhaps both of you may be better off with someone that actually makes you happy? Do your MC/IC have any thoughts on this? What are the reasons you are choosing to stay in a situation that has had you both unhappy for such a long time? Sorry for the blunt question.
I think this is a fair question to ask. However, the answer is similar to almost anyone that omes here looking for help. And that's when it's going well it is really good. There have been a lot of issues between us and individually that have caused our issues. Rather than throwing in the towel and giving up we've chosen to stick it out and work on those issues. It is incorrect to categorize us as solidly unhappy for 20 years. Has there been unhappiness? Yes, but not too the point where or ultimate decision was to D. Not that it hasn't been a consideration at times for one or both of us.
Fair enough. It is easy to look at the 'grass is greener on the other side' and throw in the towel. One of the things we fail to do in our MRs is look at the green grass on our own side as often as we should. If we did that there would be less dissatisfaction and unhappiness and as a result less temptation to stray from the MR.
...GAL huge this past weekend. Was up at the property all weekend. W and I were in contact appropriately on text and calls. I was trying to strike a balance between being connected (since our connection has been so strong) and having her miss me a bit. When I got home last night she came right over and gave me a huge hug and a kiss.
I also try to balance in some dirty/flirty texting when I am away from my lady.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
