Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3

[DaB35]

Part 1:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861875#Post2861875

Part 2
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2863376#Post2863376

[DaB35]

Well let's see what happens on Sunday. I don't plan on being at the house very long.

I've discovered from my mortgage broker that there is a further £500 cost, so I'll just tell her about that when I see her.

[DaB35]

Less is always better. You want to avoid meeting face to face like the plague. You are a busy guy.

Ask her when is a good time to pick up the mail. Quickly swing by and pick it up. When you do, you are late getting someplace important. You are also dressed well and smell good and your car is clean and you look happy and are excited to get to wherever you are going and you do not tell her.....

I am busy, but I want to go as I have a chance to practice "acting As If" for real, and being happy and positive.
Just had my car washed today in fact! On Saturday I'll probably clean the inside.

I will arrange something on Sunday anyway and just leave after an hour or so. I don't need to be there long.

[Ready2Change]

leave after an hour or so

Sounds like pursuit...

[DaB35]

I need to get some stuff out the garage anyway as well as the mail.

I'm intending to just discuss what's necessary and then go. Might take less than an hour, might take more.

Regardless, I will be emitting GAL!

[DaB35]

Journal

Is the general consensus that my W has indeed massively over-reacted to my mistakes?

I find it really interesting that the majority of people I have spoken to in person - and some of them, including my parents, know EVERY detail of what I did behind her back - are all agreed on the fact that after just under 3 yrs of M she threw in the towel. I have not revealed everything I did on here as I'm not sure (a) it matters or (b) I assume it is not appropriate for me to describe on this forum.

This is not to excuse my behaviour. I have remorse, but no longer feel the shame any more, as lots of people KNOW what I did - it's not a secret that I'm fuelling with shame. It's made it easier to deal with certainly.

I get that it was a lot for her to discover. To her I was essentially 'perfect' - probably a really bad thing to think as every little thing I did wrong was seen as pretty major by both me and her (NGS definitely). Then her discovery of what I'd done behind her back for years shattered that perception of me, that I was a 'decent man'.
I AM a decent man - I just let my selfishness cloud my judgement and didn't move forward until now.

If R happens further down the line, so be it (though I'm not so sure my W's sister will be pleased).
Even if it's too late for R and D is final, I know that I am getting better.

I will be AMOAFWL.

[Traveler]

Is the general consensus that my W has indeed massively over-reacted to my mistakes?

Well, since 98% of men between the ages of 18 and 35 have looked at porn in the last 6 months, leaving you over that would be highly unusual. That's why several of us suspect there's more going on here.

[DaB35]

I genuinely don't think she's seeing someone else. For the amount of times she's banged on about my breaking the marital vows etc., I really don't think she has it in her to be seeing someone on the side.

Her main reasons for leaving are:
1. the deceit and length of time - lasted the entire 8 yrs of our R. She feels that I knowingly did it, and 'loved' or 'enjoyed' it as I never stopped. However I did want to stop as I was feeling ashamed of it for a long time. She feels I rejected her and didn't want her.
2. the fact that I contributed to the sites (uploaded things, commented, friended other users, etc.)
3. messaged the women online for 8 months
4. uploaded 2 pics of SIL in a private chat with 1 of the women

She is completely anti-porn. No wriggle room on that.

She also said she was unhappy with me being rather 'passive' in the R, however she didn't bring it up regularly. We were otherwise very happy - she wasn't grumpy or anything - and we never really argued. She would always tell me "you're a good man" and "you work hard".

This is why it's such a shock.

[Ready2Change]

Well, since 98%99.999% of men between the ages of 18 and 35 75 have looked at porn in the last 6 months,

That's why several of us suspect there's more going on here.

Tarzan does not let go of one vine until he has a firm grip on the next one.

I genuinely don't think she's seeing someone else.

Most of us said things like this in the beginning. Most of us were wrong.

She also said she was unhappy with me being rather 'passive' in the R,

Yes, quite unattractive behavior. Right now is not the time to pursue, but rather lead. Focus on alpha male traits.
Review this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984

She would always tell me "you're a good man" and "you work hard".

You want your your woman saying "You are a sexy man" or "You are my rock" or "I feel safe when I am around you"

[DaB35]

She would call me sexy and say that I was handsome.

The only other things that were going on would be her feeling that she would always have to take the lead in the R, and the somewhat sporadic sex (weeks at a time separating each time we had it).
She brought it up a few times but would expect me to change immediately and I didn't. Because of NGS I avoided the confrontation and dismissed it and didn't do anything about it - not "comfortable with the uncomfortable".

She is quite demanding. Gets bored easily. Doesn't like a weekend in the house - we HAVE to go out. That's fine but I'd be worried about money for example in that respect.

Honestly, I can't think of other issues we had in the M.